I feel guilty about cheating on my boring husband – but rough hotel sex with new love is thrilling

DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER I check into a hotel with my lover for sex, I feel judged by the staff and guilty about cheating on my husband.

I can see them glancing at each other, whispering that I’m a cheat, and laughing at me when they think I’m not looking at them.

But I’m not a bad person. I just want to be loved and wanted, and my husband doesn’t appreciate me.

I’m in my mid-thirties and have been married for five years. My husband is ten years older. He is a nice guy and I love him, but our sex life is rubbish and he bores me.

Last year, I was so frustrated and unhappy that I started browsing hook-up sites. I didn’t want a relationship, just sex and excitement.

I found a guy there who, like me, was unhappily married.

We agreed to meet in a seedy hotel on the outskirts of town for sex. The first time, it was thrilling. I felt like I was playing a role in a film. The sex was rough and energetic, and I really enjoyed it.

But afterwards, my lover — who is my age — cuddled me for about 30 seconds. Then he jumped up to shower, as he had to go back to his wife.

I felt grubby. But the feeling soon passed, and it wasn’t long before we then repeated the experience.

Now we meet whenever it’s convenient. We don’t have meals out or dates — it’s purely sex.

But I’ve started feeling increasingly used and guilty.

When you walk into a hotel in the middle of the day and check out an hour or so later, everyone knows why you’re there. It’s humiliating.

I’ve realised cheating isn’t making me any happier. But I also need to feel wanted.

What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve tried to fill the big void in your marriage with no-strings sex.

But sex with your lover is empty, and so it can’t fill anything. Instead, it’s making you feel more unhappy, and worse about yourself.

Perhaps it’s time to put an end to your affair before you and your lover get discovered by one of your spouses.

If you love your husband, it’s worth putting your energies into improving your relationship. My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should help.

Seeing a couple therapist will give you a safe space to talk about the problems in your marriage and sex life.

You can set up an appointment with Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975).

If this doesn’t work, or isn’t an option, perhaps you need to think about ending your marriage.

THANK YOU FOR HELP ESCAPING MY ABUSIVE MALE PAL

DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I found myself in a toxic situation with a male friend who had sexually assaulted me several times, I didn’t know what to do.

I was confused because we’d stayed close after he did it the first time, and I felt I’d encouraged him by getting drunk, dancing and flirting.

He’d touch my breasts and private parts, force me to kiss him and take his clothes off uninvited. We’d been pals since we were students. I’m 32, he’s 33.

After the assaults, he’d always apologise and promise it wouldn’t happen again. You were so understanding and made me see it wasn’t my fault.

You advised me to contact Rape Crisis (rapecrisis.org.uk, 0808 500 2222) for support and to think about reporting him to the police.

You also acknowledged how ending my friendship would be hard, and helped me think about how I could make my life better, improve my self-esteem so I was less vulnerable and stop feeling lonely.

And you followed up to see if I was OK. I did go to the police and learned I wasn’t the only woman he’d assaulted.

Although I’m still struggling, I am now getting help.

I know it will take a long time to deal with what I’ve been through.

Thank you for being there, Deidre.

DEIDRE SAYS: Hopefully he won’t now be able to do this to another woman. It will take time for the pain to ease, but you are brave and strong.

ONLINE BOYFRIEND WILL NOT SHOW ME HIS FACE

DEAR DEIDRE: MY relationship is in trouble – although so far we have only chatted online, and he is too shy to even show his face.

He is an influencer and I’ve become super-jealous of all his female fans.

We connected on Instagram six months ago. We’re both in our late twenties and live hundreds of miles apart.

We soon moved on from DMs to WhatsApp and quickly realised we were falling for each other.

So, we agreed to be in an exclusive long-distance relationship.

We message back and forth all day, every day and talk about everything. I feel like we know each other inside out – he’s my soulmate.

But even though I’d quite like to do a video call some time, he says he’s too shy, and he always chickens out at the last minute.

That really bugs me because he’s not too shy to make content for his fans – most of whom are other girls.

We argue about it a lot and I can’t help feeling jealous. He says he doesn’t know them, and that I’m the one he loves.

He talks a lot about the future and how we’re going to get married – even though we haven’t set a date to meet.

But I worry he’s going to fall for one of his thousands of fans.

What can I do to cope with this better?

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s strange that your boyfriend is confident enough to make video content for his fans, but too shy to show his face to the woman he professes to love.

I’m afraid to say, that’s ringing alarm bells for me. I wonder if he’s not the person you think he is and doesn’t want you to find out.

Long-distance relationships can work, but you do need to meet up at some point, or there’s no future.

Perhaps you need to ask him to be really honest with you about why he refuses to show you his face.

My support pack, Love Online, has more information about this which may be of help to you.