Dear Jane,
It was recently my birthday and, as a treat, my husband offered to make me a nice meal at home one night after work to celebrate.
I was thrilled – he doesn’t cook very often, so this was a big deal.
But that day, I got a notification on my phone that someone was at our front door and was shocked at what I saw on the doorbell camera footage.
My husband greeted a woman holding a colossal Uber Eats bag. It was way too much food for him to eat alone.
That’s when it hit me: he had ordered my birthday dinner to be delivered.
I returned home that night to a full spread laid out on the kitchen table as my husband grinned proudly and blatantly lied, telling me how much effort he put into preparing the elaborate meal.
In an effort to not ruin my special day, I just thanked him and enjoyed the food that he claimed he made.
But I am so heartbroken about his lie – especially on my birthday – that it has made me question the integrity of the man I married, even though I know he was trying to do something sweet.
Should I tell him that I know he lied, or just let him think I bought it?
Sincerely,
Getting just desserts
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Getting just desserts,
Forgive me, but you should get over it.
Your husband clearly had the best of intentions, but was unable to live up to them, so he chose the next best option.
While he may have told you a white lie, it is ridiculous to hold it against him.
Who knows why he wasn’t able to cook.
Maybe he’s a terrible cook. Maybe something came up at work and he ran out of time. Perhaps he did, in fact, cook you a meal but burnt it to a crisp.
What we do know is that he wanted to do something lovely for your birthday, and did so – even if it wasn’t to your liking.
Griping over the fact that it wasn’t homemade, and that he did not tell you, is besides the point.
It’s not as if he forgot your birthday or had remembered and done nothing to make you feel special.
Life is where we look and I would try to reframe this narrative.
Instead of focusing on the fact that your husband lied, focus on the fact that he was trying to make you feel loved and special on your birthday.
Though, you should absolutely tell him that you know – more so as in jest rather than distaste. You can always gently rib him about his cooking skills and allow the two of you to laugh about this together.
Dear Jane,
I recently broke up with my long-term boyfriend after growing apart.
He was shattered – apparently, he hadn’t seen it coming.
The problem is, months ago, we booked a summer vacation to a beach resort, already paid for and nonrefundable.
We had both been looking forward to it, so he suggested that we still go on the trip despite calling it quits.
While it may sound strange, I’m considering going with him. After all, we ended on good terms and still care about each other, but I worry it might give him the wrong idea.
I’m concerned he will think there’s a chance we could get back together, which there is not.
Is it wrong to still go on the trip – that I partially paid for – and risk hurting his feelings?
Sincerely,
Guilt tripped
Dear Guilt tripped,
Going on a trip with your ex-boyfriend only sounds strange if you had a terrible break up and vowed never to see each other again.
We often think that breakups have to be acrimonious, but exes who grow apart, and decide they want different things in life, are often able to maintain lifelong friendships.
One of my close friends is someone I dated for a while in my twenties.
The fact that we briefly dated has never hindered our friendship and, to this day, I adore him.
The two of you must be on good terms if your ex is asking you to go on the trip.
I would, however, set some boundaries.
Contact the hotel and ask for a room with two beds instead of just one, and have a serious conversation with your ex.
Tell him that you are delighted to remain friends and are looking forward to the trip together, but be clear about the reasons that pushed you apart – and that nothing romantic will happen between you.
If he agrees and understands, the two of you might be able to have a lovely time.
