DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife’s affair has left me tormented, and I can’t stop picturing her with her lover.
I’m 28, she’s 27. We got together when I was 16. She’s an executive assistant in an insurance company and I’m a mechanic.
We had been sitting together on the sofa when she went to put the kettle on.
She left her phone and that’s when I saw a text from her boss. He’s 35.
It mentioned “great sex when they last slept together”.
I confronted her and she admitted they’d done it once, after a corporate dinner.
She said she was drunk and insisted it meant nothing.
I was livid, but she tried to divert the focus from her by saying that her boss is “very much a family man” and that he was having a tough time at home.
My wife said he confided in her, but in my mind it was all about manipulating her.
She did promise she would look for another job and, thankfully, she found one quickly.
However, a friend from my football team works in the same place and has told me that rumours are rife about my wife and her old boss “being together”.
I thought we were recovering, but when I confronted her, the truth unravelled.
She admitted they had sex three times and were still in touch. I went ballistic and this time I didn’t hold back. I said if she ever contacted him again, I’d walk out.
Finally, she’s stopped seeing him, but she still emails her former male colleagues.
The messages contain kisses and flirty comments.
I told her I wasn’t happy, but she says I’m being controlling.
DEIDRE SAYS: You are not being controlling. She betrayed you and must be prepared to respect your feelings if she wants to rebuild the trust.
If you are determined to make this marriage work, tell her she must have her focus on you, not other people.
Draw up some boundaries – and she can tell you what she wants from you, too. If something is lacking, she must be prepared to say.
Be clear that your relationship cannot be fixed while she flirts with others.
Encourage her to see herself as a professional in work who doesn’t need to impress men by being over-friendly.
Actively work on erasing those painful thoughts of her with her boss by replacing them with new, special memories that belong to the two of you.
My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
HER VILE EX STILL HAS NUDE PICTURES
DEAR DEIDRE: WHAT can I do about nude photographs on my girlfriend’s ex’s phone, now that she’s with me?
We are both 20 and at university. I know the guy she was with before me and he’s a low life.
My girlfriend came off her phone the other night and burst into tears.
She told me some of her naked photos were still on his mobile. He said he’d delete them but never did.
Another friend said he’d seen the pictures only last week because the guy had been sharing them and laughing about how he manipulates girls.
He’s also got photos of previous girlfriends.
I want to confront him but he will only deny it.
DEIDRE SAYS: If she sent the pictures to him, it isn’t a criminal offence to have them on his phone.
But if he’s sharing them without her consent, this is breaking the law under the Online Safety Act 2023.
Don’t take matters into your own hands, which may make the situation worse for both of you.
Instead, seek help on next steps from the Revenge Porn Helpline (revenge pornhelpline.org.uk).
To avoid this situation in future, tell your girlfriend to make a rule that she never sends or shares any photographs of herself with anybody that she wouldn’t like her parents to see.
TEMPTED BY NEIGHBOUR AS MY GUY’S LOST LIBIDO
DEAR DEIDRE: IT’S getting to the stage where I prefer sex toys to my boyfriend – but it’s not for the want of trying.
He seems to have zero libido. He’s 29 and I’m a woman of 25.
He never says he loves me and doesn’t initiate sex. If I try to come on to him, he pushes me away, saying I’m a “sex maniac”.
We don’t even talk much these days. He spends all his free time on video games.
If we do have a date night, there’s always an argument bubbling underneath.
There’s a single guy who lives in our block of flats. We’ve met in the foyer and the lift before.
He asked me out for a drink but I turned him down. I think if I was with him, I’d be treated like a princess.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re not a sex maniac for wanting a loving relationship with a great sex life.
He may have a low libido but unless he gets some help, you’ll be gone.
Ask your boyfriend to spend some time with you, with no distractions, and tell him you can’t continue to live this way. He has to focus on you regularly.
Give him a time limit to change – six weeks or so – or whatever feels right for you. If he doesn’t step up, then it’s over.
But don’t give the guy in the same block your number until you are free to do so.
No matter how tempting, cheating always makes things more difficult.
HIS PORN HABIT KILLS LOVE LIFE
MY husband would rather use a porn site than be anywhere near me.
We don’t even sleep in the same bed any more. I got fed up with him going into the bathroom with his phone for half an hour in the middle of the night.
We’ve been married for 16 years. He’s 46 and I’m 43. He says he loves me but we live like brother and sister these days.
I try to look after myself. My friends say I’m attractive and men I meet through work seem to want to flirt with me.
I long to be held and touched by my husband, though, and if I ask him for a cuddle, he puts his arms around me only for a matter of seconds. I’m no fool.
I know that he has pornography footage stored in files on his phone. I’ve seen it.
When I’ve confronted him about it, he says I’m making things up or I “must be having an affair”.
I don’t know where to go from here. Am I going to be subjected to a sexless marriage forever?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re not being treated fairly.
To him, your opinion doesn’t matter.
He gaslights you for calling out his own poor behaviour. His addiction has got to the stage where any human touch, apart from his own, feels alien.
He’d rather get his porn fix because it’s effortless.
Give him an ultimatum. Either he admits that his addiction to pornography is ruining your marriage and gets some help, or you’ll call time on it.
He can find help through Pivotal Foundations (pivotalrecovery.org).
It provides a free, eight-session introductory course to help understand obsessive pornography use and how to overcome it.
If he’s serious about saving his marriage, he’ll leave his phone in another room at night and at least move back into the bedroom so you can start to remember why you are together.
