When Louanne Ward’s childhood friend of 30 years ghosted her, she had no idea why.
The pair had been close since they were 14. They had travelled together, worked together and Hannah* had been maid of honour at Louanne’s wedding.
‘We watched each other’s children grow up and supported one another when our marriages ended. We were like Thelma and Louise, each other’s ride-or-die for three decades,’ Louanne tells me.
Then, one day five years ago, Louanne had to cancel lunch plans at the last minute – and Hannah hasn’t spoken to her since.
‘It was devastating. I never knew why. It was completely out of the blue,’ she says.
‘Over the years, I reached out at least 20 times. I still wish her a happy birthday every year. I’ve begged for her to talk to me and explain what I did to hurt her, why she decided to end the friendship. It can’t just have been cancelling lunch.’
Amid the confusion, there’s one thing Louanne, a relationship coach, is sure of.
‘In many ways the loss of a friend is worse than divorce. When you’re cut off, there’s no discussion, there’s no closure and often not a lot of support from peers – you’re expected to get over it fast. After all, it’s “just a friend”.’
Relationship coach Louanne Ward (pictured), who was ghosted by her best friend of 30 years, says friendship break-ups can be worse than divorce
‘I reached out at least 20 times, I still wish her a happy birthday every year. I’ve begged for her to talk to me and explain what I did to hurt her, why she decided to end the friendship,’ she says
She agrees friendships are challenged after your teenage years and increasingly difficult after the age of 35, when people’s lifestyles drastically change.
‘People settle down, have kids, and sometimes jealousy comes into play. You’re in different stages in life and that’s okay. People have lives and you might only see someone a few times a year or not at all,’ she says.
Nevertheless, she misses her friend – and refuses to believe she threw away 30 years over a cancelled lunch.
‘Being cut off without a word after 30 years was brutal,’ she adds.
‘I’ve been tempted to message her ex-husband to see if he knows why she “broke up” with me. But I haven’t crossed that line.
‘In a way, maybe it’s better not knowing her reasoning.
‘If she were to list everything she disliked about me, would that be worse? Probably. So I’ve made peace with it.’
Sometimes, friendship break-ups are less a case a ghosting, and more of a slow fade.
When someone you once trusted with your secrets, shared laughter with, and leaned on during your darkest moments suddenly becomes a source of hurt, the sense of betrayal can cut deeply (stock image)
Karla* broke up with her best friend Emma* when they were living in different cities.
‘In 2019, before I moved, I felt like our friendship was being tested because another woman came onto the scene and injected herself into the group, or tried to.
‘The two of them would hang out regularly, had a similar upbringing and morals. It was fine but I did feel like I was being replaced.’
In 2020, Emma struggled with her mental health after losing her father.
‘I felt awful I couldn’t be there to support her. Because of Covid restrictions at the time I couldn’t fly home,’ Karla says.
By the time lockdowns had ended, the friendship had run its course and they were no longer speaking.
‘Even though we don’t speak anymore, I still have hundreds of photos of us together on my phone. It’s like a memory graveyard,’ Karla says.
‘I’ll admit I do miss her but sometimes people come into your life, then they go. Like a book, these characters might only stay for a few chapters in your life rather than the whole plot, and I’ve come to accept that.’
Some friendship break-ups are far from innocuous, however.
Throughout her twenties and thirties, Jess* was Eva’s* best friend.
‘She was my maid of honour, my daughter’s godmother; we were as close as it gets,’ Eva says.
‘Even when Jess moved away, we still spoke every day and she would come and visit four or five times a year.’
During that time, Eva was in an abusive marriage and needed all the support she could get.
‘My ex-husband was abusive emotionally, physically and psychologically, and tried to control every aspect of my life,’ she explains.
‘He always needed to know where I was and would always put me down.’
Throughout their seven years of marriage, Eva says Jess was ‘ the one I trusted and confided in.
‘At the time, she was the only person who knew what was going on and saw some of the abuse happen first-hand. If anything, it made us closer.’
But, over time, Eva noticed a change in Jess’ behaviour whenever she was around her husband.
‘They both started to gang up on me. It was like adult bullying,’ she says.
They would call me “boring” for leaving dinner early, yet in reality I was 37 and had a child at home. I would be on mum duties and they would keep hanging out all night. They would collectively put me down.’
One night, Eva had friends over for her birthday. Later that evening, it was just the three of them as everyone else had left.
‘So I put my daughter to sleep and I went to bed too. But in the middle of the night, I woke up and heard kissing sounds.’
Eva was too scared to confirm her fears, so she didn’t confront them.
But the next morning, she asked her husband about it. He told her she was ‘crazy’ and ‘clearly dreaming’. But Eva knew she wasn’t.
‘A month later, I ended our marriage and Jess, to her credit, did support me through that,’ Eva says.
‘At the time, I didn’t confront her about what I’d heard.’
But a week later, her suspicions were confirmed after seeing a photo of Jess and her ex-husband together. Then Eva received a phone call.
It was Jess. ‘Your husband and I have been seeing each other for the last six months and I can’t be your friend anymore.’
I was horrified and found her betrayal more hurtful than my husband’s.
She said she’d always be there for me, and yet she chose him, knowing everything he was capable of. That was the ultimate betrayal.
I cannot express to you how horrific it was. And they only dated for a few months before he moved on with someone else.
Five years on, Eva says she has forgiven her ex-husband because they have a child together – but she will never forgive Jess.
* Names have been changed
