I blew benefits on coke addiction…it was so bad, I’d lick car seat & sniff carpet if I dropped drugs before wake-up call

CRAWLING around my bedroom floor, I scanned the carpet for any traces of white powder.

My body was crying out for a “bump”, but unable to get hold of my dealer – and in debt to him already – I resorted to desperate measures to try to satisfy my craving for a cocaine high.

Now, I look back on moments like this and feel horrified at how low I sank, controlled by my addiction and blinded to everything else but using.

It was summer 2019 when I first took coke, aged 23, and like many people who end up addicted, it began as “just a bit of fun”. Before then, although I’d enjoyed alcohol when I was socialising, I’d never touched drugs. I didn’t know anyone who took them, and they scared me.

However, I’d made a new friend through a Facebook group and, one night, while we were out clubbing, she offered me a line of cocaine in the toilets. My heart was thumping with fear, but I was curious and I wanted to fit in, so I took it. It’s a decision I would come to bitterly regret.

I couldn’t believe the immediate effect. Straightaway, I felt energised, happy and filled with self-confidence, in contrast to my naturally anxious, shy self.

I danced, I laughed, I felt like a version of myself I had never been before, and because I drank far less than usual, the next morning I didn’t even have a hangover. It was brilliant. What had I been scared of all these years?

I became a social user – a line or two in a club on a night out with my new friends became as normal as a couple of cocktails. I wasn’t buying it myself, they shared theirs with me, and I didn’t use it other than when I was with them.

I was living with my parents and working as a gigging musician and waitress, and just didn’t feel the need for drugs when not with my friends.

When I did use it, however, cocaine brought me a sense of peace. To me, there was nothing not to love about it, and addiction certainly wasn’t on my radar. Addicts were down-and-outs, not normal young women like me and my friends, with jobs, nice homes and good lives.

In late 2020, I began a relationship with a guy who also used cocaine, and he had access to a dealer through his flatmate. We started to take it together on nights in with a takeaway, as well as nights out, like at the midweek pub quiz or even if we went to the cinema.

If I was being sociable, I wanted to be high, because it was just more enjoyable and I felt happier and more confident.

As 2021 progressed, I was using more regularly, although always with others in a social context, and had started buying cocaine myself.

Looking back, I can see that was a red flag – I wanted it, or needed it, frequently enough to get it myself and spend my own money. At the time, though, I felt mature having my own dealer.

My relationship ended in late 2021, but I carried on using and, as things escalated in 2022, the effects of my drug habit began to creep into the rest of my life.

By now, I was even taking it before seeing my family for special occasions, such as someone’s birthday. If I didn’t use, I’d feel lethargic, disengaged and distracted.

I’d stay out all weekend with friends, then arrive home at my parents’ on a massive comedown, my mood erratic. I’d lock myself away in my bedroom, wired and paranoid.

‘I refused to waste any’

Mum and I had always been very close, but when she or Dad tried to ask me what was going on in my life and if I was taking drugs, I’d feel furious and isolate myself.

I began using alone in my bedroom or in my car – once even licking the car seat when I spilled a line because I refused to waste any.

At that time, I was working freelance in social media management, but I began to lose clients because I wouldn’t turn up to meetings or the quality of my work wasn’t good enough – my mind was on getting my next bump instead. Predictably, I ended up with no work and claiming Universal Credit.

I ended up out of work and claiming Universal Credit, spending around £500 a month on coke.

I was spending around £500 a month on cocaine, as well as letting things like my phone bill and car insurance go unpaid and racking up debt of hundreds of pounds with my dealer.

At the back of my mind, I knew things had changed from doing the odd line in a nightclub toilet, but I still didn’t recognise I was an addict.

Refusing to let anything come between me and cocaine, I didn’t care that my parents were worried and upset and our relationship was in tatters. I’d become totally selfish. Physically, I looked shattered and pale.

By 2024, I couldn’t even sit through a film at the cinema without having to go to the loo several times to use, because I needed greater and more frequent quantities of cocaine to reach the high I craved.

‘I spiralled into despair’

Then, that December, a close friend died. After years of cocaine use, his mental health had suffered to the point that he ended his life.

Devastated, I spiralled into despair, and in February this year, I tried to end my own life, too.

It was a terrible time. I was sectioned for my own protection and sent to Wythenshawe Hospital.

However, in trying to end my life, I saved it, because I finally admitted to my shell-shocked family what had been going on for the past six years.

Although they’d strongly suspected I’d been using drugs, they had no idea to what extent, or that it had been right under their noses.

At first, I felt enormous relief, unburdening myself of my secret. But, still an addict, I also experienced regret and panic, because now that it was out in the open, I knew it was going to be harder to use with all eyes on me.

I was discharged from hospital and began having therapy and attending Cocaine Anonymous meetings.

I was stunned by the other people I met there – professionals, parents, many of them women. They were just normal people like me who’d been sucked into addiction.

I’ve had hundreds of DMs from women addicted to cocaine and former addicts – there are so many of us.

Over the next few months, I relapsed several times, and hated myself for it. The final time, though, in July, I was honest with my mum and my therapist.

With support, I knew I was through with cocaine for good. I distanced myself from my entire friendship group, as I knew I could never be around users again.

I was also diagnosed with ADHD, and have learned that people with the condition have a higher risk of developing a cocaine addiction, because of the combination of impulsivity and inattention that many have, and using the drug to medicate those symptoms. Knowing I wasn’t to “blame” for becoming an addict really helped me.

I’ve now been clean for 80 days and, alongside my therapy and group sessions, I post about my journey on social media to keep myself accountable and hopefully inspire others. I’ve had hundreds of DMs from women addicted to cocaine, as well as former addicts – there are so many of us out there.

One line in a nightclub toilet almost ended my life, wreaking havoc on my relationships, my finances and my career. I’m slowly healing now and, although I’m not working at the moment, I hope to return to social-media management next year when I’m further along in my recovery.

In the meantime, I want my story to give hope to other women so they know they too can battle cocaine addiction – and win.

• Follow Bethany at @Sobrietywithbeth.