I always feared my spiteful ex would cut our daughter out of his will. Now I’ve discovered he’s done something much worse: ASK JANA

Dear Jana,

My ex-husband passed away recently and I’ve just found out something that’s made me sick to my stomach.

We were married for 12 years and have a daughter; however, their relationship was always difficult.

As our marriage grew strained, she sided with me, as daughters often do. He became resentful, distant – which, of course, she did not deserve.

Even after our divorce, he didn’t make an effort to mend bridges with her. My daughter isn’t perfect – sometimes she was confrontational with him – but I always felt it was his duty as a father to take the high ground.

Despite this, when he got sick, she visited him. She cared for him. While it was not her responsibility to do so, she took the initiative in repairing their rift.

At his funeral, she showed grace beyond her years.

I will never forget her eulogy that had us all in tears.

Now, I’ve read his will and discovered he left her nothing. Not a cent, no property or shares, not even a keepsake. He did not even explain his decision in a letter.

Everything that should have been left to my daughter went to his stepdaughter from his second marriage. I always feared he might cut her out, but this feels deliberately cruel.

I’ve broken the news to her. She’s trying to be strong, but I know she is hurting. She is a Millennial and has friends who bought first homes with their inheritances – now she feels left behind.

I don’t know whether to tell her to contest the will or simply let it go.

Sincerely, 

Left Out. 

Dear Left Out, 

This might be an unpopular opinion but I say contest it. Here’s why.  

This wasn’t an oversight; it was deliberate. Your ex chose to send one final, spiteful message to your daughter and that was: you don’t matter to me. 

With the deepest respect, stuff that! 

This isn’t about money; it’s about the principle and your daughter’s dignity. It is also about her being provided for – which is the point of an inheritance.

Yes, it will be messy. There will be painful phone calls, legal fees and no doubt some disapproving relatives who feel you should simply respect your ex-husband’s wishes. Let them talk. 

If your daughter wins, great: she get something that should have always been hers. 

If she doesn’t, she still walks away knowing she didn’t let herself be erased from her father’s legacy.

Of course, give her the option and if she doesn’t want to pursue it, fine.

But make sure that decision comes from a position of clarity, not one of shame at being disinherited. 

Your role in all this is to show her what unconditional love looks like. Stand by her side, and fight the good fight.

Dear Jana, 

Over dinner last week, my husband casually told me that, years ago, on a business trip in Asia, he got a massage with a ‘happy ending’. 

He told the story like it was funny and said it didn’t count as cheating. I was speechless.

I can’t stop thinking about it. He says I’m blowing it out of proportion but I feel blindsided and betrayed.

I don’t know how on Earth he thinks it isn’t being unfaithful having another woman masturbate him on a massage table. Am I going mad? 

Sincerely, 

Rubbed the Wrong Way

Dear Rubbed the Wrong Way,

I think this one’s pretty black and white: if a man lets another woman touch his willy, he’s cheating.

I don’t care if it happened on a business trip or as part of a ‘massage’. If it ended in an orgasm while he’s in a committed relationship, it’s cheating. Full stop.

Also, those things aren’t free extras, by the way. She would have offered the service and he would have paid for it.

Part of me is wondering if he threw it out there to test the waters with you. Was he trying to see if he could get away with it again? Possibly.

You’re not overreacting. I know my girlfriends would, excuse my French, lose their s*** if their husbands told them they had paid for a handjob. 

Feeling hurt is a completely normal reaction – please don’t second-guess yourself. No, what he did may not be the same as waltzing into a brothel, but it’s close enough.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. Ask him why he never mentioned this before and if he really thinks it’s acceptable.

Ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

If he’s testing you, it’s time to show him that actions have consequences, and no, it’s not funny. Paying for a sexual act is not something guys ‘just do’ while overseas.

You need to have a serious think about your future if he refuses to take accountability.

Dear Jana, 

I’ve been divorced for two years, and my ex-husband’s family still invites me to everything.

I still get birthday invites, Christmas cards, even check-in texts from his mother. His sister calls me more now than when we were married.

I love them, I really do, but it’s getting awkward, especially now he has a new girlfriend.

Am I clinging to something that isn’t mine anymore? Or is it okay to keep the ex-in-laws in the breakup?

Sincerely, 

Still In the Family Chat

Dear Still In the Family Chat,

I’ve had a very similar experience to this. 

Two years ago, my brother broke up with a brilliant woman we all adored. She’d been at every birthday, Christmas and family event for four years, and she felt like the little sister I never had.

When they split, she was heartbroken – and so were we. 

But the best thing we did in those first few months was step back. Not because we stopped caring, but because constant check-ins would’ve made it harder for her to move on.

Now we’ve found a gentler rhythm. We like her posts, wish her a happy birthday and when she posted a photo with her new partner, I left a row of heart emojis because I was genuinely happy for her. 

That’s how you do it. Kind, but with some breathing room.

So no, you’re not doing anything wrong. But you do need to ask yourself if staying this involved is helping you move on, or keeping you emotionally tied to a relationship that has already ended.

You can absolutely pull back without cutting everyone off. Maybe skip the next big family event and suggest a one-on-one catch-up with his sister instead. 

Keep the connections that matter but shift the shape of them so they reflect where you’re at now.

And it’s also worth thinking about how your ex feels about it. If I was the new girlfriend, I wouldn’t be that impressed. It’s hard to start a relationship with your partner’s family when they’re still pining for the last partner.

Time for a new chapter.