We all think we know what a sex addict is.
It’s the insatiable partner who demands a ridiculously high amount of sex, right?
But here’s the twist most women don’t expect – sex addiction doesn’t always manifest as your partner trying to bed you every second of the day. The real red flags often fly under the radar, revealing themselves in less obvious ways.
Sex addiction is a compulsive behaviour. It’s not just a case of an overly high libido. It’s secretive, obsessive, and can decimate the strongest relationship if left unchecked.
Here are seven signs your partner might be hiding a sex addiction – and not one of them is him simply wanting more sex than you.
1. He’s emotionally disconnected during sex
You get the feeling he’s going through the motions. He’s physically present but emotionally miles away.
Sex for sex addicts isn’t about intimacy or connection. It’s about chasing a high. You’ll often feel used after sex.
Your partner could be a secret sex addict, says Tracey Cox, and being emotionally distant is one of the key signs (stock image)
2. He has a history of repeated cheating
If there’s one symptom of sex addiction that rings true for all, it’s cheating. I’m not talking one-time mistakes. This is repeated infidelity, often excused with lines like ‘It didn’t mean anything’. He’s not lying, it doesn’t. It’s sex to scratch an itch, nothing to do with the person.
If he’s cheated a lot in the past or with you – and it seems compulsive, like he has no control over it and is powerless to stop – that’s a blaring siren, not just a red flag.
3. He’s glued to his phone – and paranoid about privacy
The thing about sex addiction is that it’s easier to hide than other addictions. Sugar addiction causes weight gain, the effects of most drugs and alcohol are often obvious.
Gambling eventually shows up as an empty bank account. Evidence of sex addiction is less visible. Porn can be watched on his phone wherever he wants; hook-up apps can be downloaded and deleted once a connection is made.
But if you are going to find out, it will usually be by searching his phone. This is why he changes passwords like socks and gets anxious if you pick it up or unexpectedly look over his shoulder while he’s using it.
We all deserve privacy, but secrecy is different. Many sex addicts rely on porn, sexting or dating apps to feed their compulsion – and he’s terrified you’ll find out.
4. His porn use is excessive – and escalating
For most men, watching porn isn’t a problem. But watching it obsessively and at inappropriate times – like during work or just after you’ve had sex – might be.
If he needs increasingly extreme content to get aroused, it’s a sign of tolerance. His brain is seeking more of an erotic jolt to get the desired effect.
British relationship expert Tracey Cox reveals the telltale signs that mean your partner could be a sex addict
The harder it gets to achieve, the more he’s forced to have even riskier sexual encounters to get it. Often these will go against his personal values or religious beliefs.
5. He lies about his sexual history or avoids the topic entirely
Does he gloss over questions about past relationships or give inconsistent answers about his sex life before you? A sex addict often hides their past, especially if it includes risky behaviour, multiple partners or lots of failed relationships.
A lot of addicts are so fixated on getting sex, they avoid other responsibilities. It’s not just the cheating that destroys their relationships, it’s because the relationship isn’t prioritised. He’ll fail to turn up at his child’s school play because he couldn’t resist hooking up for sex with a random person on the way.
6. Sex feels like a performance
That’s because you’re starring in his fantasy, not your shared reality.
Does he insist on specific positions or for you to follow what seems like a sexual script? All done with a detachment that leaves you cold. If he’s more interested in reenacting porn scenes than engaging with you, he’s chasing the thrill not the bond.
7. He has mood swings
It’s common for addicts to feel shame and depression about their inability to control their sexual urges. He may feel hopeless or powerless over his addiction and fearful and anxious about the effect it’s having on you.
Sex addicts aren’t bad people. Most didn’t choose to become addicted to sex. It usually starts out as a way of coping with something else they’re struggling with.
Having said that, this doesn’t mean you have to try to cure him, even if you love him. Any addiction is difficult to conquer. Which is why…
8. You’ve caught him before – and nothing changed
You found evidence: explicit messages, proof he’s watching porn for hours at a time, hidden dating profiles. He swore he’d stop. He cried for hours! But two weeks later, he’s back at it.
This cycle – guilt, promises, relapse – is classic addiction behaviour.
Sex addiction isn’t about him being immoral, it’s a psychological issue that sometimes has roots in childhood trauma, anxiety and impulse control disorders.
If any of these signs hit too close to home, it’s time for a serious, honest conversation. Therapy (especially from a certified sex addiction specialist) can help but only if he wants it.
The chance of an addict recovering is disappointingly low, but you don’t even stand a chance unless he’s as desperate to fix it as you are.
You’ll find Tracey’s product ranges exclusively at lovehoney.co.uk. You’ll find details of her books, podcasts and blog at traceycox.com.
