How to get your man to talk – and what NOT to say

Women tend to relish the opportunity to vent to a friend over a glass of wine.

Men, on the other hand, aren’t so quick to chat about what got them feeling emotional this week, or how they are struggling.

They are far more skilled at hiding their innermost worries or sense of hopelessness, often with heartbreaking consequences – three times as many men as women die by suicide every year in England.*

The Government has pledged to invest £3.6 million over the next three years in suicide prevention projects for at-risk men.

It’s part of the new and first-ever men’s health strategy, announced this week, which sets out plans for dealing with the physical and mental health challenges specifically facing men.

The Department of Health said men are less likely to seek help and can suffer in silence, and are more likely to smoke, drink, gamble and use drugs than women.

It may feel like the conversation around men’s mental health has improved over the past 30 years, but as the hit TV series Adolescence showed, the pressures young men face are constantly evolving.

The online “manosphere” is harming boys and young men, inciting misogyny and violence against girls and women, while also exacerbating a sense of seclusion and dismissal of vulnerability.

But the crisis of toxic masculinity is an age-old issue.

“Men go around carrying all sorts of rules, regulations, internal structures to do with strength, rational thinking, and self-control, which makes it very difficult to be able to share psychological distress and address it,” says psychologist Marcantonio Spada, chief clinical officer at mental healthcare provider Onebright.

“The reality is that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, but for too long, social norms have denied men the tools to reach out,” says therapist Marisa Peer.

“We can all do better to support men’s mental health. “Being an ally means creating safety, trust, and giving permission for men to express themselves. Even small, consistent acts can help break the cycle of isolation,” adds Marisa.

To mark Movember, an annual campaign to change the face of men’s health, and International Men’s Day, we’ve come up with some simple everyday ways for us all to make a difference.

THE EARLY YEARS

“From a very young age, boys are told to ‘be strong’ and ‘don’t cry’. Society teaches them that showing vulnerability is weakness, which drives men to internalise their struggles instead of seeking support,” says Marisa.

“This conditioning creates a silent prison – men tend to feel isolated, ashamed and often alone with their emotions.”

We need to be role models to our young boys and encourage open conversation about feelings, says Marcantonio.

“It is about asking questions, listening without judgement and encouraging reflection to support boys’ self-regulation.”

Social media may be concerning for parents – bewildering, even.

As boys are emotionally developing, comparing themselves to others online and constantly seeking validation through likes and views can negatively affect their social skills and sense of self-worth, says Marcantonio.

“We need to explain to young boys that technology is fundamentally addictive, and to stress the importance of exercise and creativity,” he adds.

THE MIDLIFE CRISIS

The highest rate of suicide is in men aged 50-54.* “Men in midlife can face pressures around career, identity and family responsibility, which can feel overwhelming. And many struggle with regret, loneliness and the fear that they’ve ‘missed their chance’ for happiness,” says Marisa.

“As allies, we can help by checking in regularly, offering unconditional support and reminding them that vulnerability is strength, not failure. Avoid trying to ‘fix’ them, and say things like: ‘I hear you’ or ‘I’m here for you’, which is far more powerful.”

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You’d hope you would know if your partner, father, brother, friend or son was struggling mentally, but it is not always obvious. Are they drinking more? Playing their favourite sport less? Snapping at you? Anything out of character can be a signal that something is up.

“Common behaviours could be withdrawal and coldness, or destructive behaviours like substance abuse, or it could be increased frustration or irritability, particularly as anger is often the one emotion men have been culturally conditioned to display,” says George.

Another sign is overworking. “Men will typically seek avoidance and work because they feel they can problem-solve there, as opposed to the emotional realm,” says Marcantonio.

OWN YOUR PREJUDICES

To be a better ally, it’s important to be brutally honest about your own prejudices. The expectations we have of men can trigger knee-jerk reactions, even if we don’t realise it or admit it out loud.

“Men’s mental health is still a relatively recent phenomenon, so it is no wonder that if a man does open up about work, financial or cultural pressures, you might be thinking: ‘I thought men didn’t discuss these things’ or ‘Why are they showing signs of weakness?’” says Marcantonio.

Plus, life is busy. When you are juggling work, childcare, running a home and caring for elderly parents, your partner’s vulnerabilities can feel like one more thing you need to deal with.

“A common mistake people make is minimising a man’s emotions, saying things like: ‘You’ll be fine’, or ‘Don’t be silly’,” says Marisa.

“These responses, though well-intentioned, can reinforce the idea that his feelings are invalid. Over time, this builds distance and mistrust, and can even contribute to depression or feelings of failure.

“What men need most is acknowledgment, empathy and the freedom to feel fully, without criticism.”

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP

If you want to suggest someone seeks professional help, George says: “Avoid instructions such as: ‘You should see a therapist’, and instead say: ‘Have you thought about speaking to someone?’

Men often want support, but need guidance.” Samaritans (Samaritans.org), CALM (Thecalmzone.net), Combat Stress (Combatstress.org.uk) and Tough Enough to Care (Toughenoughtocare.help) offer resources and advice.

ASK: ‘ARE YOU OK?’

These three small words can go a long way, even if you don’t get much of a response. “Men may be more resistant to specific emotional language, such as: ‘You seem really sad’, or accusatory language like: ‘What’s wrong with you at the moment?’ and more receptive to inviting language, such as: ‘You don’t seem to be yourself’.

You may need to ask it more than once, as many men’s default response will be: ‘I’m fine’,” says George Bell, author of Be A Man About It.

Environment matters, too. “Men are often more guarded in public. A private setting can help, or an active one, such as walking side by side, as many men find it hard having a face-to-face conversation on vulnerable issues,” says George.

FIVE WAYS TO BE A DAILY ALLY

Small gestures can have the biggest impact on mental health. Here are Marcantonio’s suggestions:

Use open-ended questions. Ask: “Is there anything on your mind?” Then stay present with the silence. There might be some resistance, but often the floodgates do open.

Practise active listening. Take an interest in the simple things someone is saying. Ask more questions, ask them to explain what they mean, and reflect on it.

Validate emotions. Just because you may not get stressed by something, that doesn’t mean someone else can’t or shouldn’t. Instead of saying: “Get on with it,” try: “This is how you feel now, am I right? Have you thought about anything you can do, or is there a way I can help you?”

Support without pressure. Let the person know you support them and that you are there for them – they will remember. Tell them: “When you’re ready, I’m ready.”

Challenge toxic narratives. If you hear someone say something derogatory, such as: “You need to man up,” ask: “Can you tell me what you mean when you say that?” It’s an attempt to make someone stating aggressive things think about the impact of their words.