IT’S a big moment, watching your baby pack up their stuff and head off to university, college or their first house share.
It can also be really emotional, with two-thirds of parents saying they suffered from empty-nest syndrome when their children moved out.*
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You might be looking forward to cheaper food bills and fewer laundry loads, but feelings of grief, lack of purpose and even abandonment can creep in.
There is a major silver lining to your kids no longer being under the same roof, though – you can finally devote more time to your one and only.
“When your grown-up children finally fly the nest, it can be like someone handed your body and bedroom back to you,” says Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney.
It may even be a full circle if you’re still in a relationship with your kids’ father.
“First, you get together and you’re having lots of sex as there are just two of you. Then you have children and you become Mummy and Daddy, you’re tired and you have no privacy because the kids keep coming into the bedroom,” says therapist and sex and relationships expert Marisa Peer.
“Suddenly, they’re gone and you can actually reclaim who you were. You can go back to having fantastic sex, because there are no children to interrupt you. It can be care-free, spontaneous and fun.”
But it might also feel a little awkward, after years of living in a crowded house, not to mention it might also have been a long time since you actually felt sexy.
So our experts reveal how to get back in the saddle and make the most of that empty nest. . .
Get back in Touch
If it’s been a while since you last got steamy between the sheets, let’s refresh you on the benefits.
There are no clear statistics for how often married couples are having sex, but studies suggest it’s an average of once a week, usually reducing with age.
Sex is closely linked with marital satisfaction, meaning that if you’re happy with your sex life, you are likely to be happy in your relationship.**
“Having fun sex with your partner makes it much more likely you’ll stay together,” says Marisa. “After all, sex is incredibly bonding – it’s the thing you only do with that person.”
A great relationship requires three things, explains Marisa: sexual chemistry, best-friend chemistry, and mutual respect and admiration.
“Sexual chemistry is really important. Some couples say: ‘At this stage, we’re friends. We don’t even have sex. We’ve got a lovely relationship.’ But if sex matters to you, and it was once important, it’s worth doing.”
There are health benefits, too – those orgasms and the physical exertion are good for the heart, brain, immune system, stress and mood. Studies suggest regular sex may even slow ageing.***
Don’t Overthink It
Getting going again can feel slightly overwhelming if you’re out of the habit.
Marisa suggests asking yourself three questions. How important is sex to you? Is it important to both or just one of you? Why do you want to have sex again?
“Once you’ve answered those questions, the next question is: what’s stopping you?” she says.
“Do you think your body isn’t as attractive any more? Or is it more: ‘I’m past all of that now,’ or: ‘We haven’t done it for so long that I don’t know how to?’” asks Marisa.
“Men don’t care if you’ve got cellulite, a bit of a stomach or if you’ve lost your skin tone after having children. They care about a warm and receptive partner. Sex is a natural act. It doesn’t have to be perfect, so don’t overthink it.”
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Explore each other
A child-free house could be a chance to not only revive your sex life, but really supercharge it.
“There are so many sex toys available now and many are designed by women, for women,” says Marisa.
“Go online, look at what’s out there and think: ‘That could be fun’. And why shouldn’t you have a fun sex life again?”
Sex toys aren’t just for the adventurous, but the sexually inquisitive, too.
Online orders usually come in plain packaging, so no one knows what you’ve bought, plus there’s so much to choose from.
Stick to the bestsellers or simple ones to start with.
Try Maude Vibe, £39, Boutique Bellesa Finger Pro Flutter Vibrator, £49, or Rocks Off RO-90 Soft Lilac Bullet Vibrator, £8.
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Just not in the mood?
Sex might be the last thing you’re thinking about if you’re missing having the kids around.
But try to reframe your empty nest as a sign that you have raised healthy, happy children.
“You’ve been a great parent and you don’t want your kids still living at home when they’re 40,” Marisa says.
“This is your time to travel, do stuff, go out, have sex and just do whatever you want, because it’s your time to be selfish, and you don’t get that time very often in life.”
If you can’t shift the feelings of sadness, talk to a trusted friend or loved one, or speak to your GP if you have symptoms of depression, such as feeling teary or hopeless for more than two weeks.
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How to make the first move
“After years of being thought of as ‘just Mum’, flipping the switch to ‘desirable and desired’ can feel awkward,” says Annabelle.
She reveals how to get back to your sexier self and make a move.
Try solo sex first
“Start by exploring solo. A luxurious massage, bath and a quiet evening can work wonders, or add a new toy to your drawer that’s all about your pleasure. Think of this as your rediscovery era.”
Flirt with each other
“A cheeky whisper or lingering touch while loading the dishwasher, a slow kiss goodbye or a saucy text mid-afternoon – that’s all foreplay.”
Ramp it up
“Physical closeness doesn’t have to jump straight to fireworks. Start with a longer-than-usual hug, a hand on their thigh while you’re watching a film, or a slow back rub. These small gestures build anticipation and make it much easier to move things into steamier territory.”
Experiment together
“If you’re feeling nervous, suggest you both listen to the audio erotica Quinn app. Shared excitement is powerful and hot.”
Say what you want
“Being open can feel vulnerable, but it’s also deeply sexy. Say: ‘I’ve been thinking about us, and I’d love to feel more connected again’, or even: ‘Want to help me test this new toy?’ You’ll know what suits your dynamic best.”
Get dressed up
“Slip into something that makes you feel amazing. You could create a ‘touch me here’ lingerie set. Take a Sharpie, or sew little discreet ribbon tags, and mark your lingerie with playful instructions like: ‘Kiss here’, or: ‘Don’t stop’. When your partner notices, it becomes a private, erotic treasure map.”
Keep it silent and sexy
“Try initiating sex without saying a word. Slip a small vibrator into your bed before your partner gets in with a note saying: ‘Press play if you want to stay up late’. It’s silent, sexy, and gives them a subtle nudge to get things going.”
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