We interrupt this sketch to bring you a charity appeal on behalf of the League Of Special Elected RepresentativeS.
To many people, politics looks like a game of rough and tumble, where members of parliament give as good as they get, deploying rhetoric and mockery to win arguments about the future of the country. But not all politicians are the same. We at LOSERS exist to give a little extra help to those who need it most.
Take “Nigel”. On a typical evening, you might find Nigel propping up the bar at 5 Hertford Street, trying to sell you crypto or gold bullion, and warning you about immigrants eating swans. But beneath his nut-brown exterior, Nigel might be shedding secret tears.
Nigel’s colleagues first noticed he was “different” a few years ago, when he began making speeches complaining about professional politicians. Had he not realised that he’d been a member of the European Parliament since 1999? When they sought help from LOSERS, we were able to explain that politicians like Nigel simply can’t be treated like anyone else, because it’s too upsetting for them to be questioned or challenged in any way.
But with the right support they can still live rich lives. Very rich lives, in some cases. Recently we were able to help another case, “Boris”, as he tried to raise funds to feed an unspecified number of children. We worked with a newspaper to get him paid hundreds of thousands of pounds to file the same column every week.
In 2019, when Boris was made homeless through fault all his own, we got him a party flat in central London, as well as a country pile and a bulletproof treehouse. Sadly, our appeal for gold wallpaper fell on deaf ears, and eventually Boris descended into a catastrophic spiral of sulks that saw him quit parliament to devote himself full-time to shagging.
Back with Nigel, as the years went on, he developed attention issues: if the people didn’t give him attention, he would drive to Dover and start filming small boats. So we worked with sympathetic millionaires to establish GB News, Britain’s first emotional support TV channel.
But perhaps you’re wondering what YOU can do to help Nigel? The most important thing to understand is that even though Nigel can give it out with the best of them, that doesn’t mean he can take it. Don’t be fooled by the bluster and the expensive suits: on the inside, Nigel is like a small child — mummy’s little man of destiny.
Recently another party leader, let’s call him “Keir”, assumed that because Nigel uses words like “fight” or “battle” in his own speeches, he wouldn’t mind if they were used towards him. That sent Nigel into a furious bout of YouTubing from which we haven’t yet been able to bring him back. You might have heard one of our LOSERS ambassadors, Zia Yusuf, talking about the case on the radio today.
Perhaps Nigel will one day be able to write about his struggle. In the meantime, remember the LOSERS code: “Always be nice to Nigel. But you can say what you like about immigrants.”
