MONOPOLY, the greatest board game of all, is celebrating its 90th anniversary with a bank-busting bonanza of new editions, commemorative stamps and coins for Crimbo.
Since its launch in 1935, the game has sold more than 275million copies, with an estimated one billion players — sparking 357million family rows worldwide.
To honour its landmark birthday, manufacturers are rumoured to be updating the game and its rules to reflect the current UK landscape.
I’ve managed to get hold of a set and what I believe are its new instructions, so here’s an exclusive sneak preview of Modern Britain Monopoly (2026 Edition).
A mint-green electric vehicle now replaces the petrol-swigging sports car piece.
It boasts a range of 18 miles, 12 in winter, so players are advised they may need to recharge the vehicle after several circuits of the board, which now carries a 24-hour, 20mph speed limit.
The car will also incur a pay-per-space fee of 3p for each square passed.
Players with the dog token are warned they will face a £200 fine from environmental officers unless they carry a poo bag at all times.
VIOLENT PRISONERS
The boat icon is now a small dinghy, but with plenty of room for 40 fighting- age men who insist they’re 16. The top hat becomes a hoodie, while the boot remains, but restyled in vegan leather.
All financial transactions are strictly cashless and must be made via electronic payment, with a five per cent digital surcharge.
The Free Parking square becomes a Controlled Parking Zone, and anyone without a permit will be towed and subject to a £360 release fee.
Those on one of the railway station places must wait there for three turns due to unplanned engineering work.
On occasion of a player landing on the Water Works panel, he, she or they must pay a bill, which now includes a 40.7 per cent surcharge to fund the water company’s shareholder dividend payments and £123million in fines for pumping sewage into chalk streams.
The Electric Company utility square carries increased charges too, due to the cost of building countryside and sea view-blighting wind farms.
If any of the above fees aren’t paid immediately, or a player picks up a Chance card which reads “Go Directly To Jail”, they will be sent straight to prison, where they must remain for three turns.
This will increase to six if they have written a social media post critical of the new Modern Britain Monopoly rules.
A player may be released from jail directly, but only if in possession of a Get Out Of Jail Free Card.
This card will only apply to serious violent prisoners and sex offenders or if a player is male and has arrived here illegally on a small boat. On release, they must each be given £200 and an iPhone 17 Pro Max.
When passing Go, competitors will receive £200, which is now subject to an emergency tax rate of 58 per cent.
But if the player can demonstrate a serious medical condition such as a food intolerance, anxiety or irritable bowel syndrome, this will increase to a tax-free sum of £400 — and a free Ford Puma.
Hotels may be built in any area, preferably with gym and spa facilities, and owners will receive generous bonus payments if they make them available to government.
If a participant wishes to buy a property on which they land, they will be subject to a new mansion tax levy, dependent on area.
Those in Old Kent Road, Whitechapel Road, Islington, Euston and Pentonville Road must pay a duty of £5,000, while those on Bond Street, Park Lane, Mayfair, Regent Street and Piccadilly who are able to purchase via an offshore trust will not be liable.
Similarly, government ministers in posts such as Deputy Prime Minister and Chancellor Of The Exchequer will also be exempt.
Contestants wishing to construct extra houses on their property will not be able to do so unless they are on green belt land or in Areas Of Outstanding Natural Beauty.
Landlords will receive a fee from the Home Office if converted into an HMO, or House In Multiple Occupation.
Hotels may be built in any area, preferably with gym and spa facilities, and owners will receive generous bonus payments if they make them available to government.
The Chance and Community Chest cards have been freshened up too. If players successfully advance to Trafalgar Square without being stabbed and pass Go, they collect £200.
Fines for speeding 24mph in a 20mph zone are increased from £15 to £200 plus six points.
Those receiving a bequeathment of £100 will now be liable for inheritance tax. If it is your birthday and you collect £10 from every player, HMRC class this as taxable income.
The Community Chest school fees payment also increases to £4,000, excluding 20 per cent VAT.
Modern Britain Monopoly (2026 Edition) is sure to be the must-have family gift this Christmas. Celebrate the freedoms and joys of our great nation with your loved ones around the festive dinner table.
Herald UK growth and innovation and the powerful leadership of our politicians who have brought a sense of justice, fairness and decency to modern British society. Available from all good toy shops for just £127.99 while stocks last.
Rise of the lad dads
AND so we reach the moment when John Lewis unveils its long-awaited Christmas ad.
What will it be this time? A cuddly, effeminate monster being embraced by a right-on family feasting on quinoa and matcha, ramming some woke liberal message down our retching throats?
But, no, hang on a minute, lads, look at that bloke in this year’s ad – he’s just like you and me.
Chap lives in a similar house, has the same haircut, is teary-eyed and reminiscing about clubbing while listening to one of the most enduring dance anthems.
He hugs his son who has given him some vinyl, the very same present I usually receive from my boys each year.
After years of forced hibernation, Lad Dads can now crawl out of our man caves, proudly slip on an England shirt and binge on Hooch again.
The clarion call came first in the summer from the biblical brothers as we were summoned to mass congregations in the holy fields of Wembley, Cardiff, Edinburgh, Dublin and Manchester, to communally sing and worship in celebration of our triumphant rebirth.
For many years we have felt marginalised and forgotten.
The best band in the world is back together, we’ve got some of the most talented players on Planet Football and a World Cup next year, so let’s bring the spirit of the Nineties and some swagger back to Britain.
Footloose and pronoun-free, Renaissance Lad is here to stay and we must utilise our newly restored voice wisely to right wrongs and make Britain a fairer and stronger place once more.
VIBE coding is the word of the year, according to Collins Dictionary, even though it appears to be two words, which isn’t the best look for a dictionary publisher.
Other terms to make the list, which apparently reflect “the mood, language and preoccupations of 2025”, include clanker, glaze and aura farming (two words, again).
No, me neither.
Andy’s ideal homes
DOESN’T seem as if Andy Windsor and his collection of 72 teddy bears (really, mate? You’re 65) is going to be too welcome in Sandringham, with locals furious about his impending arrival.
Here are a few suggestions of alternative locations and accommodation which the disgraced ex-royal may wish to consider, where I’m sure he would be better received:
- Huw Edwards’ spare room
- Norilsk, Siberia
- The Chine Hotel, Bournemouth
- Spinalonga Leper Colony, Crete
- Bleaker Island, The Falklands
- Bibby Stockholm barge
- Belmarsh, Sex Offenders Wing
Poppy slip to forget
WALKING through London this week, I was alarmed to see how few people were wearing poppies as we approach Remembrance Day and honour our war heroes.
I’ve yet to see anyone selling them outside the Tube stations I use, either.
But then I watched Deputy Prime Minister’s Questions, led by Haringey’s hapless halfwit David Lammy, who had seemingly forgotten to wear one himself.
When the mistake was spotted, a poppy was hastily and incorrectly attached to his right lapel, compounding his oversight.
Lest we forget, indeed.
Posh day out looks sombre
VICTORIA BECKHAM may be one of our leading fashion designers.
But when celebrating husband David’s knighthood at Windsor Castle this week, she and her sombre family looked like they had dressed for a funeral rather than a knight out saluting Sir Becks.
FIGURES show the Russian economy tanking, growing by just 0.3 per cent in the three months to August 2025.
Huge spending on Putin’s war machine and suffocating global sanctions have been blamed for the stalling of growth after almost four years of conflict with Ukraine.
In the same period the UK economy showed growth of, er, where is it now, oh yes, 0.3 per cent.
Padel power
RESIDENTS in a Hampshire village claim the building of three new indoor padel tennis courts could lead to them developing type 2 diabetes.
Grateley homeowners reckon the, er, racket generated from the sport will have an adverse effect on their health, causing disease and mental health issues. You cannot be serious.
The local council will be the umpires of that but may I suggest that locals peel themselves off their sofas, get some balls, dive in and start padelling as there ain’t no better cure for diabetes and depression than an hour thrashing around on a tennis court.
That, or a few months on the flab jabs.
The villagers’ health is more likely to be up s**t creek without a padel.
