HAPPY families, twinkling lights and snow-covered landscapes – we are all very familiar at this time of year with the ideal picture of the perfect Christmas.
Yet we all know the reality can look very different – with family rifts, financial stress, crippling loneliness and marital fallouts making for a miserable time.
If you’re feeling more glum than glam, read on for some tinsel tips on how to navigate what can be a tricky time of year.
Here, The Sun’s agony aunt advises on everything from how to dispatch those difficult in-laws before that second bottle of Baileys, to how to call time on overspending.
MARITAL STRIFE
FOR anyone who’s more likely to be fighting under the mistletoe this Christmas, it’s not too late to make positive changes so that you really can have the most wonderful time of the year.
Thanks to digital technology we now live in an ‘always on’ society, but spending more time on work can encroach upon your most important relationships — and this limits the quality time you have together.
So make sure that you activate your “out of office” message and turn off unnecessary notifications.
You’ll be amazed at how much more time you have to focus on your family.
Don’t be afraid to do less and say ‘No’.
The Christmas juggling act of trying to do everything can be exhausting.
The pressure to create a perfect celebration starts months in advance but we only have limited capacity to achieve it.
So sit down with loved ones and work out what your priorities are. Discuss what’s important and prioritise it.
Be sure to have regular check-ins with your partner.
With so many family and friends to catch up with, it’s important to ask your other half if they need anything, and to have the opportunity to tell them what is on your mind, too.
But doing that in front of a room full of people isn’t the same as quietly asking them when you are alone.
You and your partner are at the centre of everything, so make sure you are a unit together, discussing and deciding as a team.
GIFT GUILT
WHEN your children look at you with puppy-dog eyes because they want something — but your bank balance says ‘No’, just remember — the best gift you can give anyone is your time.
Gift expectations are fuelled by big retailers’ advertising and marketing budgets, so get in there early and set financial limits with your kids.
Discuss with them how big brands pay influencers to endorse their products in order to turn them into ‘must-have’ items.
Explain that you will get them a gift that you can afford.
Rather than buying expensive presents that you will later regret, think about whether you could gift fun experiences.
It doesn’t have to be extravagant, perhaps a trip to see the Christmas lights, or a new show — but shift the focus to spending quality time together.
Think of Christmas as a chance to renew a genuine sense of connection by changing the focus from extravagant gift-giving to spending quality time with those you love.
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INTRODUCING A NEW PARTNER
CHRISTMAS is an emotionally exhausting time — and not just for the children — so if you do have a new partner, go slow and lower your expectations.
If you’re introducing your new beau to your children, try to do it before Christmas Day and build up gradually to the festivities.
Youngsters whose parents have broken up are likely to want to spend quality time with their mum or dad rather than be on their best behaviour in front of the new boyfriend or girlfriend.
Shorter meetings in neutral spaces are always best at first, so that everyone can get to know each other slowly without any huge expectations.
Encourage the new partner to bring thoughtful and modest gifts, as extravagant expenditure can feel awkward.
WHEN IT’S THE EX’S TURN
THE reality of co-parenting at Christmas is really challenging for everyone involved.
But good, clear communication should soothe any unsettled emotions.
So arrange a time with your ex when they can wish the children a happy Christmas, give them their presents and spend some time with them.
Arrange activities and treats for when you are back with your children so that you have things to look forward to.
And make sure you have got something nice organised on Christmas Day — even if you’re just popping round to other family or friends’ homes to have a mince pie and a festive drink.
Children pick up on their parents’ emotions and will feel guilty if they know you are alone and feeling low.
GRIEF
FACING Christmas without a loved one is so hard.
Try not to shy away from all your shared memories of them.
Talk about them and encourage your friends and family to share their stories also.
Create a ritual where you spend some time quietly thinking about your loved one.
Perhaps you could go on their favourite walk, have a hot chocolate on their favourite bench, or go for a drink at their favourite pub.
Build activities that honour their memory into your festive holiday so that you feel closer to them.
Give yourself time to come to terms with the loss.
People grieve in different ways, and if you feel too sad to party, or too depressed to be alone, know that is OK — you’re learning to live with the death of someone special to you.
DEALING WITH TRICKY GUESTS
WHETHER you’re inviting people over for dinner or receiving invitations to visit others, be transparent about what you need so that everyone knows how to plan their time.
If being with Aunty Jill makes you want to scratch your skin off in frustration after an hour, make sure that you plan your exit.
If you’re the host, let guests know when to arrive and, most importantly, when you need people to leave.
Tell your guests what you would like them to contribute. You can still be a great host and ask people to bring a dish, or bedding.
If you are worried about your relationship you can email me and my team of counsellors on deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
It’s completely free and we reply to every single message with a personalised answer.
FIRST XMAS AS A SINGLETON
IF you have recently gone through a relationship break-up and you’re facing your first Christmas as a single mum or dad, it can feel like a particularly isolating time.
But rather than hibernating at home, be on the lookout for opportunities to get out and about and meet new people.
Think about your interests and see if there are any clubs you could join in your area.
Have a look at meetup.com to see what is going on locally.
Check out local online forums, or even noticeboards in the library or shop windows for information about any activities and social events.
Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family either — see if you can get involved in their preparations and help them out.
They’ll be glad of the help.
FAMILY RIFTS
IF you want to try and smooth the waters with someone in your family, send a reconciliation letter beforehand.
See if they are willing to meet up and talk things through, or you can ask a mutual friend or family member who they trust to talk to them and see if a breakthrough is possible.
But also understand that you can’t force anyone to re-enter the fold against their will.
So free yourself from the persistent stress of trying.
Set out your stall, then accept that the next step needs to come from them. From that point on, park the issue.
You’ve done all you can, so now put your efforts into stuffing that turkey and wrapping those stocking fillers.
LONELINESS
FOR anyone who is feeling isolated, the Christmas period can be a real challenge.
After all, everyone else seems to be snuggled up with their loved ones and many workplaces shut down at this time, reducing the opportunity for welcome company.
If you’re feeling isolated, take that as a positive sign that you are ready for more social contact.
You may need to be more creative to meet new people over this period but there are always opportunities to make connections.
Do think about volunteering for a charity.
Not only will you be helping others but the reward of getting involved will last long after the soup kitchen closes or charity shop shift ends.
My support pack on Widening Your Social Scene has plenty more ideas to help.
