Dear Vanessa,
Eighteen months ago, my husband and I agreed to let our daughter, and her partner move back in with us to help them save for a house deposit. At the time, it felt like the right thing to do. They were struggling with rent and the cost of living, and we wanted to support them.
But our daughter is 31 — and we’ve been without kids at home for over a decade. We’d settled into a quiet, comfortable life. That’s completely changed.
Since they moved in, it’s felt more like we’ve got teenagers in the house again. They stay up late, leave things everywhere, eat our food without replacing it, and don’t contribute financially.
We’re buying more groceries, the power bills have gone up, and we’re doing all the cleaning. They haven’t talked to us once about a timeline or progress on saving for a deposit.
We love them — but we’re exhausted, and we feel completely trapped. How can I have this awkward conversation in a way that’s positive and doesn’t damage the relationship?
Susan
Hi Susan,
You’re not alone — and no, you’re not being unkind.
Plenty of parents find themselves in this situation. What starts as a generous gesture can turn into a long-term, open-ended arrangement — especially when no structure is set from the beginning. Add rising costs and loss of privacy, and it’s no wonder you feel backed into a corner.
Leading money educator Vanessa Stoykov
After ten years of having your space to yourself, the dynamic has completely shifted — and not in a way that respects your home or your lifestyle.
It’s time for a reset — and it doesn’t have to be a blow-up.
The good news is that you can absolutely have this conversation with care, clarity, and even a bit of humour. Here’s how:
Make the ask fun — and fair.
• Choose your timing. Give a little heads-up: ‘Let’s have a quick catch-up this weekend — we’ve been thinking about how things are going.’
• Lead with warmth. Try: ‘We’re proud we could help, but we never really talked about how long this arrangement would last. It’s time we all get a bit of clarity around what comes next.’
• Ask for their plan. ‘Where are things at with saving? What’s your goal?’ If they don’t have a clear answer, that’s your cue to help set one — like aiming to move out in six months or when a certain amount is saved.
Here’s a suggestion that helps them take ownership while keeping the tone supportive:
• Propose a weekly grocery budget they can contribute to.
• Introduce a modest rent — not as a punishment, but as practice.
• Offer to refund the rent if they hit their savings goal by an agreed date.
This way, they’re learning to manage real-world costs — and if they follow through, they get a built-in bonus. It’s motivating, not mean.
Don’t forget the daily stuff.
It’s also okay to say, ‘We need a better balance with cooking, cleaning, and the general load around the house.’ You’re not a hotel — and adults living in your home need to show adult responsibility.
Boundaries protect relationships — rather than hurt them.
This isn’t about pushing them away. It’s about helping them grow up — and protecting your own wellbeing at the same time. The love doesn’t go away just because the house rules change. In fact, clear expectations often lead to stronger, more respectful relationships.
You’ve done your bit. Now it’s time to take your home — and your peace — back.
Take care,
Vanessa
