Q I want to warn others about the dangers of social media. My soon-to-be-ex husband of 40 years was constantly on his phone, to my intense frustration and despair. He had joined lots of Facebook groups and came across an old girlfriend from many years ago. He then (innocently at first) contacted her and, from there, they gradually rekindled their romance over a period of time.
Needless to say the fallout from that wasn’t good and, after much heartache, divorce proceedings are now in hand. I am faced with picking up the pieces of my life and feel totally daunted by having to start all over again. I’m sure this happens to others all the time. My advice is to think twice before a simple ‘like’ or ‘friend request’ sets up a connection that unravels lives. I believe none of this would have happened if it hadn’t been for social media.
A I can well understand how devastated you must be, and how frightened you may feel of the emptiness that seems to lie ahead. For a man in his 60s or 70s, it does seem rather immature that your husband allowed himself to become so obsessed with his phone, let alone to have thrown away 40 years of marriage for a romance that may be more about trying to recapture his youth than genuine love.
When a long marriage ends it can feel like a bereavement, leaving a painful void. It’s important to face that grief rather than bottle it up. Counselling can help – try relate.org.uk or even a bereavement organisation such as cruse.org.uk. And if you find you are sinking into depression, do speak to your GP. It is vital not to isolate yourself.
For a man in his 60s or 70s, it does seem rather immature that your husband allowed himself to become so obsessed with his phone, writes Caroline West-Meads
As your letter was anonymous, I can’t ask how long this phone obsession had been affecting your marriage, or whether things had been declining for some time. But if his attention was increasingly elsewhere, you may have been lonelier within the relationship than you realised.
Now, you could gradually find comfort in spending time with people who want to engage with you. Talking to others in the same situation can be helpful so look for divorce support groups on a platform like meetup.com. Close friends or adult children can be a support, too. You can also widen your social network through organisations such as u3a.org.uk, volunteering groups, community classes or the Women’s Institute. Ask your GP about social prescribing, which links people to activities in their area. You might even consider getting a small dog or cat. Having a living being in the house who is always happy to see you can really ease loneliness.
Although it may not feel possible now, the pain will gradually diminish. When you are ready, you may even want to find new love. For now, make sure you reach out for the support you need as you begin to rebuild your life.
SHOULD I TALK TO HER ABOUT POSTNATAL DEPRESSION?
Q My wife suffered badly from postnatal depression for several years after the birth of our second child. She refused to get help and it damaged our relationship. We eventually divorced when our eldest was 11, and I have always felt guilty. That daughter is now nearly 30 and having her first child. I am worried about history repeating itself. Her husband is nice enough but not the best communicator.
I also have a strained relationship with my ex-wife. I don’t know whether she has talked to our daughter about any of this, and I’m unsure whether I should raise it. My second wife thinks it would be best for my daughter to know.
A Your second wife is probably right that your daughter should be aware, though with some gentle provisos. Becoming a parent can be daunting and you don’t want to add to that anxiety. Your daughter may already have some sense that things were difficult for her mother. Even though your relationship with your ex is strained, a brief, calm conversation with her about how best to support your daughter together could be helpful.
Regarding the latter, rather than ‘telling’ her what happened, ask how she is feeling about being a mother and whether she has any worries and talk those through with her. Although you feel her husband may not be as emotionally tuned-in as you’d wish, you could mention what happened so he knows he can come to you for advice.
But try not to worry too much. You are clearly a thoughtful, loving father, and if your daughter struggles, you will recognise the signs early and help her get the care she needs.
