This article is taken from the December-January 2026 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Get five issues for just £25.
Is there any better way of spending a late night in winter than watching the Ashes? Admittedly you’re going to end up wrecked the following day — or months, if you’re really determined. And if you’re an England supporter then the idea of watching has turned out to be a lot better, more often than not, than the reality of watching.
More often, that is, the Steve Harmison first ball wide that began the 2006/7 series than the Stuart Broad four wicket haul before lunch on the first morning of the 2013/14 series (although even that was a false dawn, with Australia going from 132/6 to win by 381 runs as the first part of a 5-0 whitewash). But what’s the point of watching sport if it’s not to harbour fantasies that what you want to happen will happen?
Things have changed since I first started listening to Ashes matches in Australia. For one thing, I now don’t have to hide my radio (remember those?) under the bedsheets. I’m a grown up. I can sit on the sofa and watch.
Those of us of a certain age will remember the forerunner of Test Match Special as the only way to keep up live with overseas Ashes tours. We had to wait until the following evening to watch the highlights on the BBC and to marvel at the huge crowds in the SCG and MCG. Part of me misses the ritual of listening to Alan McGilvray’s commentary, falling asleep, waking up to — inevitably — the news that England had collapsed and then coming back from school and watching the highlights after homework.
The first series I remember following was 1978/79. Australia had been ransacked by Kerry Packer’s World Series Cricket and England, under Mike Brearley, easily won the series 5-1 to retain the Ashes. Jeff Thomson had “retired” from Test cricket (he wanted to join WSC but his contract prevented him) so the Aussies called up a fiery prospect, Rodney Hogg. He was sensational, taking 6-74 in England’s first innings and a then-record 41 wickets in the series overall.
Writing this piece, an infuriating earworm has just popped into my mind once again. WSC came up with the song “C’mon Aussie C’mon, C’mon” to promote its competing series, and it was ubiquitous. Damn them; even after 47 years I can’t shift the bloody tune. Sorry, I’ve given it to you now.
Since that series win we’ve only managed another two in Australia, in 1986/7 and 2010/11. Meanwhile we’ve had five whitewashes. The 1986 series was expected to be a disaster. One wag famously wrote in advance of the First Test that Mike Gatting’s team had three problems: “They can’t bat, they can’t bowl, and they can’t field”. Ian Botham’s last century, 138 off 174 balls, propelled them to a seven-wicket win. In the Second Test Chris Broad, destined to be remembered as the father of Stuart as much as for his own achievements, scored the first of three centuries in consecutive Tests: 162 followed by 116 and 112.
The 2010 series began with a draw but there was an England run-fest in the second innings of the First Test. Andrew Strauss (110) and Alastair Cook (235 not out) put on 188 for the first wicket, in the process overtaking Jack Hobbs and Herbert Sutcliffe as England’s highest-scoring opening batsmen. Jonathan Trott (135 not out) then joined Cook for an unbeaten 329-run partnership before the declaration on 517/1. The Second Test was dominated by England, with Kevin Pietersen’s 227 and Cook’s 148 taking England to 620/5, the first time England had ever passed 500 in successive Ashes Tests. We won by an innings.
A collapse to 81 for 5 — all out for 123 — in the second innings of the Third Test handed Australia an easy win but England again passed 500 in the Fourth Test and won by an innings, retaining the Ashes. Another innings win in the Fifth Test (after scoring 644) was the first time an away side had ever won three matches in a Test series by an innings.
And that’s it — the last time we won in Australia, 14 years ago. There have been some highlights since then, such as Cook’s 244 not out in the 2017 Boxing Day Test which was the highest individual post-war score by an Englishman in Australia. But overall, it’s been dismal.
There’s been a lot of talk about how weakened the Australians are and how up for it the Bazball England team are. I’m not going to make any predictions but being both an England cricket and a Spurs fan, and Jewish, let’s just say I am psychologically programmed to expect the worst. Here’s (not) hoping …
