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DEAR DEIDRE: I can never unsee the stomach churning images of my husband having sex with my good friend – it’s a nightmare film I play over and over in my mind.
It was clear trouble was coming my way when my friend’s partner turned up unannounced on my doorstep in the middle of the day.
He was very flustered as he thrust his phone into my hand, announcing there was ‘something that I needed to see’.
There was no pre-amble – he simply pressed play on the footage of my husband pulling into their driveway late at night.
Nothing unusual about that I thought. The four of us were part of a very sociable group and my husband who is tee-total often gave others lifts home at the end of the night.
But my unease ramped up as I saw my friend lean over to the driver’s seat and plant a long and lingering kiss on my husband’s lips.
Pause, then they started laughing and she went in for a much longer kiss this time.
My stomach lurched as she then bobbed her head down towards his lap and it was very clear that he was enjoying her attention.
I had to turn away when she reappeared and they both clambered into the back seat.
It was obvious what was happening.
Unbeknownst to my husband every motion had been captured on her doorbell cam.
I’m 38 and my husband’s a year older. We’ve been married for 15 years. Sadly, this isn’t the first time he has been unfaithful.
I first discovered my husband had cheated on me when I saw a message pop up on his phone from another woman nearly ten years ago.
I was so shocked but when I confronted him, he confessed straight away.
He promised me he would stop seeing her and deleted her number from his phone.
I thought that was the end of it until I discovered a secret phone hidden in his car – there had been more women. I had a few sessions with a counsellor by myself because my husband refused to come with me.
I accepted that I had been neglecting him, and vowed to reinject some passion and excitement into our marriage. I started wearing sexy underwear and suggested different positions.
To my relief it seemed to work and I thought we were making a success of our marriage.
Six years on and it’s clear he can’t help himself and will never manage monogamy.
Seeing him and my friend in action killed the last drop of love I had for him.
I’ve told him I want a divorce and want him out but he’s refusing and says that if I insist he won’t help with the kids. We have two sons who are seven and nine.
It’s blackmail.
DEIDRE SAYS: Yes it is and I’m sorry to say your children will suffer if he continues to take this attitude.
If you are both unhappy in the marriage, it makes sense that your home will be miserable also.
Growing up in such an environment is so damaging for children who then are more likely to develop low self esteem and low confidence.
Don’t underestimate how much they see and hear.
Whether he wants to or not, your husband is legally responsible to contribute financially to your children’s upbringing.
And ideally, he will want to be involved in their lives as a child with two loving parents is far more likely to thrive.
You need legal advice so that you can make the best decisions for you and your children now and The Rights Of Women (rightsofwomen.org.uk) can give you free support.
You deserve to be happy and cared for and your husband has demonstrated repeatedly that he’s not capable of that commitment.
It’s entirely possible to split up and make sure your children are well supported.
The main considerations are never bad mouth your partner within ear shot of your children and talk about them respectfully.
When discussing childcare arrangements, keep your children’s welfare at the forefront of your mind.
For more support on this you can contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk) who help families in crisis.
My support pack Thinking Of Divorce has plenty more information.
Dear Deidre’s Cheating Dilemmas
From secret liaisons to long-term betrayals, affairs regularly surface in Deidre’s inbox.
One man couldn’t shake the woman he drunkenly slept with after a football match, despite her relentless pursuit.
Another reader was devastated to discover her husband had been carrying on a two-year affair with their daughter’s netball coach.
And a third man found himself trapped in a gym affair that turned toxic when his lover demanded thousands to keep their secret.
WHY DO PEOPLE CHEAT?
Cheating isn’t always just about sex. Someone may stray for all sorts of emotional, psychological, and circumstantial reasons. Here are few of the most common:
- Lack of intimacy – Feeling neglected, rejected or starved of affection can push people to seek connection elsewhere.
- Revenge – Cheating as payback after feeling betrayed, hurt, or undervalued in the relationship.
- Low self-esteem – Some cheat to feel wanted, sexy or powerful, especially after a confidence knock.
- Opportunity – Alcohol, secrecy, or travel can lower inhibitions and create the perfect storm.
- Addiction – Sex or porn addiction can override judgment, even in happy relationships.
- Curiosity – Especially in long-term relationships, some people crave novelty or miss the thrill of the early days.
- Emotional disconnect – If conversations have dried up or resentment is building, affairs can feel like a release.
- Validation – Some cheat just to be seen, heard, or appreciated, even if only briefly.
- Crisis point – Big life changes (bereavement, job loss, reaching your midlife) can trigger impulsive behaviour.
Ask me and my counsellors anything
Every problem get a personal and private reply from one of my trained counsellors within one working day.
Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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