IT’S rare that I drop into the foetal position and reach for the Pepto-Bismol BEFORE my night out.
But that’s what I found myself doing as Meghan Markle dropped her vomit-inducing YouTwerk video just when I was heading to the pub on Wednesday night.
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Her and husband Prince Harry’s cringey performance of the Baby Momma Dance, in a private hospital room shortly before she gave birth to the couple’s second child Lilibet, left me gagging over a bin full of copies of his memoir Spare.
We’ve now had to endure years of the bizarre, “Don’t look at me . . . Why aren’t you looking at me?!” demands of M&H.
Their hypocrisy is dizzying and leaves many of us searching for a reason to explain their constant desire for on-their-terms attention.
Not least the conspiracy theorists now using the twerking episode — shared by Meghan on her Instagram to mark Lilibet’s fourth birthday — as reason to speculate that she was, in fact, never even pregnant.
Long has there been a notion that M&H were lying about their second pregnancy — and the throwback clip throws fuel on the fire.
Twitter critics are shouting that Meghan is wearing a fake “moon-bump” and there is no woman at full-term pregnancy who could grind with such vigour.
They claim she must be “superhuman” and that the video isn’t even in a hospital room.
Ultrasound image
Several claim, without credible evidence, her bump is too high or the wrong shape to be real.
Some spin groundless claims the video was faked, made on a film set or AI-generated — and say that if she had been about to give birth in hospital, she would have been in a gown and had jewellery removed.
Meanwhile a recent mood board of pictures on her Instagram showed a bare-bellied Meghan heavily preg-nant with first child Archie.
She even posted an ultrasound image of her unborn son — but many claimed it was all just a way to prove she was pregnant.
The daftest claims are that she has hired the kids to help her sell items from her various companies.
This is not the first time the Duchess of Sussex has faced false claims of faked pregnancy — with keyboard warriors claiming she hired a surrogate, wore dodgy, mis-fitting bumps and refused to announce the birth when it happened.
Like baddies in a Disney film, they seem regenerated when being talked about. Unless we say things that they don’t like, of course.
None of which has any clout, of course.
But it does strike many as strange that the couple who constantly bang on about privacy and safety would release a video of one of the most intimate days of their life together for no reason other than attention.
I, like the many self-respecting residents of this fine nation, can’t fathom why the married couple would a) make the video and b) having watched how excruciating it is, put it out to the world four years later.
But then, we’re not Meghan and Harry. Like baddies in a Disney film, they seem regenerated when being talked about. Unless we say things that they don’t like, of course.
We’ve now had to endure years of the bizarre “Don’t look at me . . . Why aren’t you looking at me?!” demands of M&H. Their hypocrisy is dizzying and leaves many of us trying to find a more complicated reason for their constant desire for on-their-terms attention.
Meghan has a tree-falling-in-woods attitude to life: if no one is watching her, did it even happen?
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She is an actress, after all. For decades she’s dreamed of red carpets, standing ovations and gold statuettes in her hand.
She needs eyes on her, whatever Netflix series she’s doing — whether it’s as a tradwife in the recent With Love, Meghan, moaning about the Royals in Harry & Meghan or not being watched by anyone in Polo.
Watching Harry dancing in the video, it’s impossible to decipher the exact moment his last drop of dignity left his body for ever.
After hitting “play” on the camera, he frantically zig-zags across the screen — pointing, stomping and crab-shuffling across the room.
Surely, if we could see his eyes, they must have shown his suffering? Those windows to the souls must have been crying for help.
Harry … has long been allowed only the odd walk-on part in The Meghan Show.
Perhaps I’m giving the pampered prince far too much credit — he’s my fellow fortysomething and no one of us should be capable of such toe-curling antics unless under duress.
I’m speaking as someone who suddenly finds the night bus timetable fascinating if the word karaoke is even uttered on a night out.
He gyrates as only the true British upper class learns how, at their first rugby club ball.
All he needs is some champagne poured from the bottle into his mouth by a bloke called Hugo and it would be like he’s back his old London nightclub haunt Boujis, in South Kensington.
Harry, who has spent thousands suing the Home Office and claiming his family aren’t safe on British soil, has long been allowed only the odd walk-on part in The Meghan Show.
Remember how he pointed out chickens to Oprah Winfrey while Meghan did the grown-up chat, giving the world headlines about the horrid Royals?
Or when he was seen, through a window, juggling like a chained-up garden jester while Meg and actress Melissa McCarthy celebrated her 40th birthday.
And let’s not forget that Time Magazine cover where he sat on a wall and peered over her shoulder, behind her power stance.
His bit-part in this sad excuse for delivery-room bantz shines through — as does the lack of laughter or chemistry between the pair.
He may also soon have competition in his understudy status, as on Wednesday Meghan expressed her dream of launching a future with Lilibet.
Chatting to Beyonce’s mother Tina Knowles on her podcast, she shared: “I wonder if one day I’ll be in business with Lili and we’ll be building something.”
Better keeeeep dancing, Harry.
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