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DEAR DEIDRE: MY on-off girlfriend and I recently got back together and everything was going brilliantly until she started to ask me to belittle her during sex.
We’d had a good sex life before, nothing wild, but it was far from boring. Still, her request completely threw me – mostly because it’s an unwelcome reminder of her x-rated antics while we were apart.
I know she had a couple of flings but there was one guy who she was with for a couple of months and he was into everything – sex parties, S&M, the lot.
My girlfriend told me she doesn’t have feelings for him but has admitted they had “a lot of fun in the bedroom together”.
So now when she asks me to call her derogatory names – all I can think is that she is imagining this other bloke. It’s killing me.
The other problem is that she now says she can’t get sexually excited unless I call her names, or role play being her pimp, but the whole thing is a complete turn-off for me.
She literally begs me to call her worthless or a filthy sl*t. She wants me to dominate completely in the bedroom.
The last time we had sex, I felt so uncomfortable but managed to call her ‘dirty’. Afterwards she told me it wasn’t enough.
She complains I’m not convincing enough, and I hated every second of it.
I love her, so why on earth would I want to treat her like dirt?
But what does our long term relationship look like if I can’t give her what she wants sexually?
I’m worried she thinks I’m boring and unadventurous and that she may even be re-thinking getting back together with me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your girlfriend has developed a kink after being introduced to being belittled in the bedroom by another partner.
Half-heartedly going along with her new demands, in the hope the issue will somehow miraculously resolve itself, is unrealistic.
Talk to your girlfriend and let her know why this new development makes you feel so uncomfortable.
Explore if there is a compromise to be had while making sure you are outlining your boundaries.
But also know there is nothing boring about caring for your girlfriend. You have your preferences and have every right to own them with pride.
Nobody – male or female – should ever do anything that makes them uncomfortable just to keep their partner happy.
You have a right to refuse to degrade her, and if she loves you she will accept your decision.
If she doesn’t, it suggests she cares more about her own sexual thrills than your feelings.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help.
Perhaps you could experiment with other sexual activities which are kinky but not degrading.
If you can’t find a compromise or other ways to enjoy your sexual connection, I’m sorry but you may have to accept that she is not the girl for you.
My support pack Kinky Sex Worries explains more.
Dear Deidre’s Kinky Sex Files
Deidre’s mailbag is stashed full with kinky dilemmas. One reader started questioning everything after learning about her husband’s disturbing kink; a different subscriber wrote in because his wife blamed his sexual kinks for her affair, while one man struggled to communicate his discomfort about his wife’s extreme fantasies.
The Kinky Truth
No form of sharing physical pleasure and satisfaction is wrong between a loving couple, as long as both are participating willingly and with genuine enjoyment, and as long as neither of you is being hurt, either physically or emotionally.
If something is sexually off putting for one partner but a turn on for another, it won’t help to tag it as dirty or perverted.
What one of us finds erotic, another finds degrading. What one thinks of as stimulating and erotic, another rejects as pornographic and disgusting.
It helps enormously when trying to sort out this kind of issue as a couple not to start taking moral standpoints and judging one another, but to see it as a practical problem you need to negotiate your way around.
What actually matters here is that you don’t want to do it. If you’d only do it under pressure, then it cannot be fun or pleasurable for you.
That’s not to say it isn’t worth trying some new things that might be pushing the boundaries for you.
If the rest of your relationship is a strong one then you may surprise yourself and find you are wonderfully turned on by the very thing you have never dared try.
At the least, even if you don’t enjoy everything you try, you may find you and your partner can now enjoy enough variation to take the heat out of the conflict.
In fact, serious conflicts over sex usually come down to a problem in the relationship generally.
If you are with a partner who really loves you, they aren’t going to want to upset you by pressing for out-of-the ordinary sex that you find distasteful or worrying.
If this is causing a great deal of conflict between you, it’s well worth while making an appointment to see a counsellor to find out what is really at issue and how it can be resolved.
By Sally Land, The Sun’s Agony Aunt.
Get in touch with the Dear Deidre team
Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors.
Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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