Dear Jane,
I’m in my early 30s, and after years of struggling with my weight and finding it impossible to shed the pounds, I finally decided to go on Ozempic.
My husband has always made me feel beautiful, even when I was at my heaviest. But when I told him I was going to start doing weight loss shots, he seemed concerned.
He was worried about the side effects – and insisted that he loved me just the way I was and that I didn’t need to change. But I was doing this for myself, not for him.
It’s now been almost a year since I started taking Ozempic and I’ve lost almost half of my body weight.
The downside is that I now have a lot of loose skin and my breasts have shrunk and become saggy.
As I lost more and more weight, I noticed my husband wanted to have sex with me less and less. We haven’t had sex at all in the last month.
I finally worked up the courage to confront him about our lack of intimacy today, and he told me he’s just not attracted to me anymore – and that seeing my ‘deflated’ body makes him sad.
He explained that he loved the way my body looked when I was curvy, and just doesn’t find me ‘sexy’ anymore.
I’m distraught by this news. I feel amazing having lost so much weight – and even though I have a lot of ugly loose skin right now, I’m sure it will go away eventually.
Shall I try to re-invigorate my sex life somehow, or does my husband’s response mean my relationship is over?
From,
Skinny love
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Skinny love,
First, acknowledge what a huge transformation you have gone through. I understand it must be hard not to have the support of the person who is supposed to be your biggest champion.
Your husband’s words must be devastating to hear. Instead of supporting all of the changes you have gone through – emotionally and physically – he has projected his own preferences, and worse, is now withholding affection and intimacy, which is unimaginably painful and unfair.
Your husband’s response is concerning because it shows an emotional immaturity.
I am wondering if your new body and newfound confidence may be making him feel insecure. It can be very hard to accept a power shift in a relationship, and though it may not be intentional, he may feel unsettled and frightened by this new you.
There is a way forward, but it requires both of you being honest.
He has to understand why he feels this way, because ultimately, it’s not about your changing body – it’s about something deeper. Essentially, he’s trying to make this about you, when, in fact, this is about him.
You should also think about how it feels to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support this brave, transformative journey – and if you want to be with that person still. If your answer is an unequivocal yes, then it’s time for the two of you to find a couples therapist.
There is something deeper going on here. If you decide you want to continue with this relationship, and if he is willing to explore why he feels the way he does, a skilled therapist will help you figure out the real issues behind this, and create a path forward for the two of you.
Finally, I want to congratulate you. You have done something extraordinary, and you are allowed to want a partner who celebrates you and the changes you have made, without needing to diminish you or make you feel inadequate.
Dear Jane,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, and everything has been almost perfect.
But last week was my birthday, and I made it very clear to my boyfriend that birthdays are very important to me.
Every year, I organize a huge party with all of my friends, and I get showered in love and attention.
This year, however, my boyfriend convinced me to let him handle the birthday celebrations, so I didn’t plan anything myself.
I woke up on the morning of my birthday expecting breakfast in bed, piles of gifts and a grand plan for a day of fun, but all my boyfriend got me was a card and a bouquet of flowers.
His birthday plan for me was to get dinner at a very average local restaurant that we’ve been to several times before.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because I did have a nice day, but I was really disappointed by how low-key the celebration was.
I’m especially upset because I went out of my way to make sure my boyfriend had a great birthday. I got him a really thoughtful gift and organized for all his friends to meet us at a bar after the two of us had a perfect dinner.
Are my expectations too high, or is this an indicator that I have a useless boyfriend?
From,
Birthday blues
Dear Birthday blues,
As someone who adores their birthday, and whose love language is gifts, I completely understand how disappointed this made you. Particularly given that, left to your own devices, you would have organized the kind of birthday celebration that makes your heart feel full.
Sometimes, recognizing that our love languages are different can help us accept that our loved ones aren’t always capable of giving us what we need.
The love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and receiving gifts.
I’m guessing that your boyfriend’s love language is completely different than yours. Understanding what his is – and seeing what things he does for you that show you he loves you – may make it easier to let this go.
For the record, I don’t think your expectations are too high, nor do I think he is useless. I just suspect he has no clue what your expectations are.
The biggest takeaway from this is, next year, organize your own birthday. Or, if he insists on doing it again, be absolutely clear what you want. Tell him the kind of party you like, or the type of gift, or give him a choice of special restaurants that would make you feel truly celebrated.
