DEAR JANE: My partner is hooked on an alarming new bedroom trend… but he says all his friends do it too

Dear Jane,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years.

Our sex life has always been great — certainly nothing crazy, but we have good, regular sex.

However, a few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I went to a friend’s wedding and got very drunk. Normally, when my boyfriend is intoxicated, he has a hard time performing in the bedroom. But this time he had absolutely no issue — in fact, he lasted far longer than usual.

I found this a little odd, but chalked it up to being a one-off thing.

However, the next time we had sex, he lasted almost an hour! This is completely unheard of for him, so I had to say something.

When I asked him why he was lasting so long, his response shocked me. He confessed that he had taken Viagra to help his performance.

He tried to assure me that he absolutely did not need the Viagra in order to find me desirable, rather he takes it because he enjoys the way it feels to be on the drug.

He also insists that all of his friends are taking it too, not even just for sex, but also sometimes before the gym or whenever they drink, ‘just in case’ they end up going home with someone.

I find the whole thing very disturbing. Frankly, I don’t even enjoy sex when it goes on too long, but my boyfriend doesn’t seem to care.

Every time we’ve been intimate since that wedding a few weeks ago, he’s taken Viagra. It’s starting to worry me.

Should I find his stash of pills and throw them away, or refuse to have sex with him if he has taken Viagra? How else can I make him stop this awful habit?

From,

Viagra Victim

Dear Viagra Victim,

What strikes me the most here is that your boyfriend has made a unilateral decision about your joint sex life, and is ignoring your needs to fulfill his own.

Despite his blatantly selfish behavior, however, I do not think the solution is to secretly dispose of his drug stash. That would only be tit-for-tat, and would not end well. 

Instead, I think you ought to work on improving communication and collaboration within your relationship. 

I would guess your boyfriend’s Viagra habit is, truthfully, an unfortunate result of weaknesses in intimate areas.

While you cannot make him stop popping the pills, you can communicate clearly why you don’t want to have sex with him when he takes them.

See if you can find a compromise: if he is really that committed to Viagra, perhaps you can put boundaries around when he uses it and how often.

If that’s untenable, please know that you are allowed to say no. 

It can be very frightening to say no to someone, particularly if you’re the type of person who usually says yes just to keep the peace.

But your sexual enjoyment is just as important as his, and you should never feel obliged to do something just for the sake of someone else’s pleasure.

You now need to have an honest conversation to find a way forward where both of your needs are being met.

If you’re not able to do that, if he isn’t able to meet your needs, then perhaps, despite everything else being fine, he is not the man for you. 

A lack of willingness to collaborate and work together signifies a greater problem, and you deserve someone who cares about your wants and needs just as much as their own.

Dear Jane,

A few weeks ago, my brother, who is just one year younger than me, confessed that he has been seeing my ex-girlfriend from high school.

He said they bumped into each other at a bar and got to talking, and then decided to go out for dinner just the two of them… and now they’re dating.

It’s been a few years and I have a new partner who makes me very happy, but the girl my brother’s with was my high school sweetheart. We dated for three years, went to prom together and only broke up because we were heading off to colleges in different states.

Not that I can admit it, but brother’s revelation has upset me — I hate the thought of them being together. But he seems very happy and I don’t want to rain on his parade.

The issue I foresee going forward is that my family is very tight-knit. We frequently have get-togethers and my girlfriend is always invited, so I’m sure my little brother’s new girlfriend will be, too!

Unfortunately, my girlfriend is not going to like that. She knows everything about my ex and probably won’t love the idea of me spending time with her.

On the other hand, my parents adored my high school girlfriend, and they will probably be thrilled that she is back in the picture, even if it’s now as my brother’s partner instead.

It will only enrage my girlfriend more to see how much my parents adore my ex.

We have a family dinner coming up to celebrate my dad’s birthday, and everyone will no doubt be there. I’m worried that, if I explain the situation to my current girlfriend, she will be upset and refuse to attend – and potentially tell me that I can’t go either!

Shall I just keep my girlfriend in the dark and let her find out on her own at dinner? At least that way she can’t react like a drama queen because we’ll be surrounded by my family. Hopefully then, she’ll see that the situation isn’t all that bad.

From,

Reluctant Eskimo Brother

Dear Reluctant Eskimo Brother,

I understand your discomfort at the situation. Your first love is precious, and of course it hurts to think of her with anyone else, particularly your own brother.

But, this kind of pain will quickly lose its sting as time goes on, particularly if you are as happy with your girlfriend as you say you are.

What gives me more pause for concern here is your worry about how your new girlfriend will react.

Your trepidation is understandable, but until you tell your girlfriend, you don’t really know what her reaction will be.

If she is secure in her relationship with you, she is likely to get over this, even if she’s initially uncomfortable with having your ex around.

But, if she shows signs of jealousy, try to understand where she’s coming from. 

Jealousy is a sign of deep insecurity, and insecurity is always hard to navigate — particularly when a woman is threatened by other women.

The best thing you could do then to alleviate her insecurity, and thereby her jealousy, would be to make her feel as secure as possible in your relationship.

This absolutely means telling her the news ahead of your family dinner, otherwise she will assume you are hiding something.

Tell her, and then reassure her of your love for her. If you can make her feel like you truly only have eyes for her, then I don’t see why she would be opposed to spending time with your ex. Perhaps they will even become friends, they clearly have similar taste!

But, if she refuses to attend, or demands that you don’t go either, then I think you need to re-assess whether she’s the one for you.