DEAR JANE: I tried the ‘harmless’ sex position everyone does… but it left my husband screaming in pain

Dear Jane,

My husband and I have been in a funk.

We haven’t been intimate in two months and have tried everything to spice up our marriage after being together for multiple years – going on date nights to exciting places or attempting new adventures that challenge us – to no avail.

I was getting desperate, as we had started to feel more like roommates, so I decided to do some research.

In my frantic searching, I stumbled across a social media page that explains Kama Sutra, and why it holds the key to physical and emotional intimacy.

While I was initially skeptical of just how effective it would be in rekindling the passion – let alone how exactly we would incorporate it – I was willing to try anything.

But I should have listened to my gut.

What started off as a romantic evening – dinner at our favorite white tablecloth restaurant and splitting a bottle of wine – ended in a nightmare.

When we arrived home and got down to business, things were going great – until suddenly, my husband started screaming. 

Apparently, in the throes of attempting one of the supposedly ‘harmless’ maneuvers I had shown him, he got a horrible leg cramp, which made him collapse in agony.

Once it subsided, he blamed me for coming up with the idea that caused him so much pain. And while I did feel bad for him, this was my attempt at reinvigorating our sex life – and I couldn’t help but feel disappointed.

Now, I worry that it was an omen from the universe that our passion is gone forever.

Is there another way to reconnect, or should we just throw in the towel?

Sincerely,

Kama Sutra casualty

Dear Kama sutra casualty,

First of all, and I’m sure you know this, married sex is an affliction that happens to many marriages, if not everyone.

I know far too many married couples who haven’t been intimate for years, so I applaud you for quickly trying to spice up your sex life.

We often get caught up in the logistics of life, raising children, financial worries, and all the things we must do to keep afloat – and sex can start to feel like a duty rather than a way to connect. 

But what we may not realize is that women generally need to feel intimacy in order to have sex, whereas men need sex in order to feel intimacy. 

In other words, the state of your relationship is crucial to how you will feel about having sex, whereas for your husband, it’s likely the act itself that will make him feel closer to you.

But let’s put the issue of sex aside for a moment. I’m wondering how your relationship has been lately. 

The fact that your husband immediately went to blame you when it was clearly not your fault, merely an unintended consequence of attempting to help your relationship, tells me that this may be the symptom of a larger issue.

It’s easy to become complacent in marriage, in any relationship, after a while. 

They say the grass is greener where you water it, and when life intervenes and distracts, you can easily forget to put the time and effort into the relationship – the kind of effort that will bring you closer, and is also likely to reinvigorate your sex life.

In some ways, it’s a good thing that this happened, as it gives you an opportunity to work together to heal your relationship. It’s less about sex and more about how you relate to each other, how you communicate, how you make each other feel. It’s an opportunity for both of you to wake up and consciously work on being a good partner.

Couples therapy may also be helpful. It is often difficult for people to hear how their behavior impacts the people they love, but a wise, seasoned therapist will be able to bring the two of you together and look at what’s really going on in your relationship. 

They will be able to bring it all to the surface, and once you have both expressed your honest feelings, that’s when the healing can begin.

Dear Jane,

I was asked to be a bridesmaid for my friend’s wedding in two months, but she and I could not be more opposite. 

I dye my hair bright colors, have piercings and tattoos, and have a very maximalist fashion sense, down to my manicures. She, on the other hand, is the epitome of minimalist chic – she favors neutrals and an au natural look.

For her wedding, she asked the bridesmaids to wear matching baby pink gowns and requested that we get our hair in similar up-dos, and our makeup done more naturally, so we all look the same in photos.

Of course, I told her I would oblige, since it’s her big day. But then she made a request that I couldn’t believe.

She said that my distinct look would clash with the aesthetic of her wedding and asked that I ‘tone down’ my appearance for her big day – including removing my piercings, getting a neutral-colored manicure and dying my hair to a more natural color.

She basically wanted me to remove any semblance of my personality – which would cost me hundreds of dollars to undo.

While I understand it’s her day, the request is hurtful. We’ve been friends for a long time – so she knew who she was asking to be in her wedding.

At this point, I’m tempted to back out of the bridal party – and even the wedding – entirely, but I’m worried I’ll lose a close friend as a result.

Do I tough it out and attempt to ‘tone down’ my appearance as much as I can, or is it better to walk away?

Sincerely,

Bridesmaid blues

Dear Bridesmaid blues,

I understand how important it is to you, to, well, be you. 

Piercings and tattoos (I have a few myself, and share your love of maximalist fashion) are not for everyone, and those who choose to sport looks that are unique are usually committed to expressing their individuality.

While we are given many tools to navigate romantic relationship, we have very few tools for friendship. We stumble into friendships, absolutely sure that we will be friends forever, then have no idea how to deal with the bumps in the road, as you are now discovering.

We tend to focus on what it is to have a good friend rather than what it is to be a good friend. 

I was once not such a good friend. Perhaps too self-absorbed when young, I didn’t understand that true friendship, like any other form of love, sometimes requires putting another’s needs before my own.

I learned that the hard way. 

When my best friend was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer, I learned that love is a verb. It isn’t enough to say, let me know what I can do for you. Love requires action. 

Right now, your friend is getting married, and you should think about how you can be a good friend to her.

But that isn’t to say you should spend hundreds of dollars doing so. 

Perhaps there is a compromise and she can accept you having a neutral-colored manicure and removing your piercings, but keeping your hair color. Perhaps the two of you might even have fun choosing a wig for the photographs.

But ultimately, this day is about her, and she has asked you to be a bridesmaid because she loves you and wants you to be part of her wedding in a meaningful way. 

It’s one day, Bridesmaid blues. There are millions of bridesmaids all over the world who forced themselves into ghastly pastel dresses they hated out of service to someone they love.

Talk to your friend and see if you can find a compromise on the hair color – but as to the rest, ask yourself how you can be a good friend to someone who wants you to be part of the most important day of her life thus far.