Dear Caroline,
My husband is angry with me because I gave away money.
A friend who is a single mum asked me for £100 as she said she was going to get kicked out of her house if she couldn’t pay the rent. She is always asking me for things, usually to do stuff for her. She sometimes asks me for £10 here and there, but never this much before.
When I finally told my husband, he was exasperated and said that I must stop helping her all the time, and she is just using me. He says that she’s not a proper friend and pointed out that she could stop smoking 40 cigarettes a day if she really wanted to save money.
Caroline answers: Don’t be hard on yourself. It is a very lovely instinct to want to help others. However, that generous character is also your downfall because people play on your good nature.
It is a very lovely instinct to want to help others. However, that generous character is also your downfall because people play on your good nature, writes Caroline West Meads
While this friend might genuinely have struggles, your husband is right that she is taking advantage. There are lots of protections for renters, which mean that your friend is very unlikely to be thrown out for non-payment of rent. Please point her instead towards stepchange.org or moneyhelper.org.uk to help her manage her money longer term.
If you can, explain to your husband that being cross doesn’t help when you already feel bad and that it would be more supportive to help you learn to say ‘no’ a little more.
We want to treat our seriously ill brother
Dear Caroline,
I am one of several siblings in our 60s and 70s and want to help my very seriously ill brother. He is a kind, thoughtful man who was fit and active until just a short time ago. However, what began as one cancer has progressed, despite treatment and multiple major operations.
It is his dearest wish to go abroad once more to a country that he loved and has visited many times. I haven’t told my siblings that I am writing to you, but I would very much like to make this happen. However, I am not even sure that it is possible or practical – financially or otherwise.
Are there any organisations that can help plan transport and 24-hour care, both here and overseas, that isn’t massively expensive or that can be subsidised by a charity?
Caroline answers: I am so sorry to read about the suffering your brother has endured and the losses he has faced. Your love for him shines through. I understand why you would want to help him fulfil this wish. When people know that time is running out, such ‘lasts’ can become particularly important.
Sadly, I fear there may be significant practical difficulties in making this happen, particularly at low cost. It also might not be what your brother needs. I suspect that although he says he wishes to travel again, this may be more a wistful desire than a solid intention. Long journeys can pose real risks for someone who must be hoisted, can sit upright only briefly and is vulnerable to pain and skin breakdown.
It is my ill brother’s dearest wish to go abroad once more to a country that he loved and has visited many times
Unfortunately, lengthy travel could significantly worsen his discomfort. While specialist medical transport between countries is possible in exceptional circumstances, travel insurance in this case would probably be prohibitive or denied.
However, please do talk to his wife and your siblings about this. Your intentions are so full of love and kindness, no one will take it amiss. And ask the nursing home for advice on how much he can manage. A shorter trip to the coast might satisfy at least a wish to see the sea again. His nursing home should be able to advise on trusted local operators. Or try drivingmissdaisy.co.uk.
But do please know that even if this is too much, your love for him is enough. Contact macmillan.org.uk and maggies.org for support for you, too.
