Q I have always had a difficult relationship with a friend who now seems to be seriously ill. However, she has claimed to be ill before so often and I can’t help feeling that this was exaggerated. On one occasion, she said she had had a serious fall and arrived at our pilates class on crutches – but when she saw someone she wanted to talk to she walked across the room without them.
We became friends through our husbands more than 25 years ago. We had similar interests, got on well and took up dance and pilates together. However, after a while I noticed she was competitive. She has alienated several people through being tight with money and notoriously late. Her husband left her many years ago.
She is always asking for favours but never returning them. She has even insisted that I take her to early-morning hospital appointments, which has meant getting up at 6am. She promises to pay for petrol but then ‘forgets’. She will tell anyone who asks about her many ailments.
I have tried to distance myself, but she drags me back in. However, recently her brother contacted me and told me that she had had a heart attack. I’ve since left messages for her, but haven’t received a reply.
I’m torn: should I walk away or risk being drawn back into the same exhausting drama? We are both in our 70s.
A It sounds as though your friend has always been selfish and entitled. Over the years a pattern has formed of you being the giver and she the taker. It is difficult to extract yourself from a one-sided relationship because the other person is good at making you feel guilty whenever you say you can’t help.
I agree that your friend’s illnesses might have been inventions to draw attention to herself and elicit sympathy. This could be indicative of a mental health issue or insecurity. Sometimes people become compulsive liars to seem more interesting.
Either way, it is time to change the dynamics. I’m sorry to hear she might now have a real health problem – this must be upsetting. While I wouldn’t blame you for letting this friendship go, I feel you might later regret it if you stopped contacting her and she then died.
However, she has cried wolf too often, so if you are going to see her in future, it’s important that you do so on your terms. If she makes unreasonable demands for help, you are entitled to say no.
You could also raise with her calmly but assertively how you feel the friendship has been one-sided. You can explain that you are happy to see her but don’t have the time or energy to run errands. If she gets offended, so be it. But from now on any contact should be of benefit to both of you, not just your friend.
I’M FED UP WITH MY FATHER-IN-LAW’S HOSTILITY
Q I’ve been married for two years to my second husband. I’m 44 and even though he is a few years older, and our kids are different ages, they get on and we are happy.
But while most of the family have been welcoming, his father is cold. He was close to my husband’s first wife (the daughter of one of his oldest friends) and sometimes he even talks about her fondly at family events, which makes me feel uncomfortable.
My husband is supportive of me but has never told his father the real reason they parted – his ex’s affair. He says he would feel humiliated if his father knew. I understand this and I even like my husband’s ex-wife, but I’m struggling with my father-in-law’s attitude.
A You are remarkably patient and reasonable. Even though you’ve had the virtues of the ex-wife rubbed in your face, you haven’t held that against her and you (and your husband) have clearly managed a civil, friendly relationship with her for the sake of the children and harmony – much to the credit of all of you.
I’d guess your husband’s father is ‘old school’ and his son, sadly, might be right in thinking he would judge him for being cheated on – rather than being sympathetic to the pain it caused. Sadly, your father-in-law is probably never going to be emotionally literate, so he probably won’t change.
However, your husband and perhaps also your mother-in-law could be firmer in telling him that he needs to be more polite. Meanwhile, hold your head high, be yourself and ignore it. Remember that you don’t need the respect of people who are not worthy of yours.
