Q I don’t know where to turn. I have a four-month-old daughter and I feel trapped and overwhelmed. I must be a dreadful person because I keep feeling as though I have made a terrible mistake. What kind of mother feels this way about her baby? I can’t tell anyone.
My husband is besotted with her and I don’t want to ruin that. He deserves a wife who is as devoted as he is to our baby. He has asked me a couple of times if I’m all right and says that I am quiet, but I just smile and say that I’m tired. I often cry when I’m in the shower.
The baby actually sleeps well, though I have started telling my husband that she wakes a lot in the night so that at weekends I can pretend I need to catch up on rest while he takes care of her. In reality, it’s just an excuse to escape from her.
The thought of going to baby groups makes my chest tighten. I can’t bear the idea of sitting in a room full of mothers who seem to have it all figured out while I’m barely holding it together. I did try to talk to my mother, but she does not discuss emotions.
She said that she found it difficult coping with my brother and me when we were babies, but just got on with it. I know she suspects that something is wrong because she visits every day and takes care of a lot of practical things.
A It sounds as though you are carrying a lot of shame for the way you feel. I think it is because of the anonymity of writing this letter that you have chosen me as someone to confide in.
So, first of all, please let me tell you that you are not alone. It is far more common than you might think to feel this way after having a baby. You have gone through an enormous life change, and your body and mind are still adjusting. Sleepless nights, hormonal shifts and the sheer weight of responsibility could leave anyone feeling lost.
Being utterly miserable does not mean you are a bad person in any way. However, it is vital that you get help urgently because without a shadow of a doubt you are suffering from postnatal depression.
Unfortunately, because your mother doesn’t discuss emotions, you have come to feel as though you shouldn’t either. But there is nothing to be ashamed about.
Your husband sounds like a good man and I assure you he would be sad to know how awful you feel and that you hadn’t told him. He probably senses that something is wrong but is not sure what to do. So please tell him that you are not coping. Ask him to help you contact your GP, and tell them how you’re feeling. Once you get the help you desperately need, you will be able to start enjoying time with your daughter.
Why am I not interested in sex any more?
Q I am a middle-aged man in my 50s. I love my wife, with whom I have teenage children. However, our sex life has been gradually declining and I know that it is my fault as I have less interest in sex than I used to and I rarely want to make love. I don’t understand why, as my wife is an attractive woman and we have a good relationship.
When we first met, and even when the children were young, we had a good, frequent sex life. Making love now happens only when she initiates it but she has stopped doing this so much, unsurprisingly. She is patient and says that it doesn’t matter but I know she minds. I don’t understand why this has happened and I don’t want to lose her.
A Please stop putting pressure on yourself and seeing it as your fault. You are clearly a loving, caring husband, but worrying that you are letting your wife down will only make things worse. There is no need to be embarrassed as this is a common problem, so please go to see your GP.
Sometimes there can be physical problems underlying loss of libido such as diabetes or heart conditions, or there can be psychological ones such as depression. If you have a lot of worries, it won’t put you in the mood for love.
This might sound surprising, but one way to increase your sex drive might be to have more fun with your wife outside the bedroom. I’m not talking sex on the beach, but taking up new, challenging activities together that push you both out of your comfort zone can sometimes reignite a spark.
Most importantly, consider seeing a sex therapist with your wife, either through cosrt.org.uk or relate.org.uk.
