Q When I was younger, I gave up the chance of a career to concentrate on providing a home for my family. My husband has always had a good job and was happy to be the earner. We have two lovely children and when they were little I felt needed and content to fulfil the homemaker role.
I’m now in my early 50s and the children, who are young adults, need me less. I feel like I’ve become invisible. My husband and I have grown distant. We still talk, but it’s mostly about admin or his work and we don’t connect in a meaningful way. It’s as if I’ve become a member of his staff because he’s still busy leading his important work life.
To make matters worse, I’ve started going through the menopause, and the changes in my body and emotions have taken a toll on me. I’m all over the place and some mornings I look in the mirror and barely recognise myself, or remember the young person who had hopes and dreams.
Now my children don’t need me in the same way, I don’t know what my purpose is. I’m not sure if it’s even possible to get my marriage working again. I just want to feel passionate about something, but I don’t know where to begin. Am I too old to start over?
A reader writes: Now I’m in my early 50s, my children don’t need me in the same way. My husband and I have grown distant. I don’t know what my purpose is (Picture posed by model)
A You’re not alone in how you’re feeling. So many women reading this page will be quietly thinking, ‘That’s me.’ This period of life can be disorienting and it’s normal to feel a sense of loss or confusion when familiar roles begin to shift.
It sounds as though you’ve given so much of yourself to others that you’ve had little time to nurture yourself. And now you’re left wondering who you are beyond being a mother or a partner. That’s not selfish – it’s human.
Menopause can also heighten feelings of sadness, irritability and even grief for your younger self. So don’t underestimate this – see your GP for advice on HRT or other options for support. Your marriage sounds like it’s fallen into a rut, but that doesn’t mean everything is lost, perhaps just buried under layers of routine and fatigue.
Your husband may be equally unsure about how to reach you. Could you try talking about what you both now need from each other? Counselling might help.
As for purpose, be kind to yourself. I find that full-time mothers often have low self-esteem because they don’t feel that it is ‘enough’.
But remember that being a mother is a difficult and important role. So remind yourself what a brilliant job you have done in raising your children. Though it feels like a void at the moment, many women discover new passions, careers, friendships and adventures in this chapter of life.
Ask yourself what you have always wanted to try but didn’t have the time or confidence to, and give yourself permission to explore this.
How can I stop my brother-in-law’s flirting?
Q I have been married for 12 (mostly) happy years. My husband and I hoped for children, but it never worked out for us. I’ve made peace with it, although I still have moments of sadness.
My sister, who’s 37 and five years younger than me, has been married for four years and already has two sons. I’m happy for her, but lately her husband has become increasingly flirtatious with me, especially when we’re alone. In company it’s jokey, but when it’s the two of us, he’s more suggestive.
I’m ashamed to admit I’ve developed a crush on him and enjoy his attention – it makes me feel attractive. My marriage is steady, but the passion isn’t what it was.
I’d never act on these feelings – I love and respect my sister too much. I don’t know how to deal with the situation without causing tension at family gatherings.
Caroline West-Meads says the reader’s crush on her brother-in-law is likely about needing attention, missing feeling desired and perhaps also about the grief around her childlessness
A Thank you for being so honest. This is an emotional dilemma, but not one that you’ve caused. I expect that your crush is about needing attention, missing feeling desired and perhaps also about the grief that lingers around not having children.
It is good that you are not considering acting on your feelings, because, of course, it would cause so much hurt and pain to all involved. So consider telling your brother-in-law that you need him to stop flirting with you. That it is not fair on you, your sister or your husband. Try not to be alone with him, which will reduce any temptation you feel.
Above all, give yourself credit. You didn’t choose to feel this way, but you are choosing to rise above it. It might help you to look at gateway-women.com to help you with the pain you still feel about not having children.
