Choose your Chancellor | Anonymous

This article is taken from the July 2025 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £25.

Cambridge! More Nobel prizes than well-known country France! Being its Chancellor must be a vastly august role attracting candidates of global stature! To celebrate this FACT, The Critic gives you this free cut-out-and-keep game to play at home, in your bachelor fellow’s set.

Enjoy all the thrills of choosing between the candidates the University’s faceless administrators have allowed you to have! What principles did they follow before they helped you with their careful sifting? Who cares? Experience for yourself the frisson of choosing a successor to Thomas Cromwell, the Duke of Monmouth, Prince Albert, Arthur Balfour and whoever was Chancellor of Cambridge until now!

But play those cards carefully, as you wouldn’t want to lumber one of Western civilisation’s chief bulwarks with a total dud for a decade, would you?

Dr Ayham Ammora

Trinity, Cambridge PhD in Chemistry; BSc Chemistry, KCL; MBA Christ Church, Oxford. All of his career has been spent in oil, based in Qatar. Stood for Chancellor of Oxford in 2024 and got easily 0.07 per cent of the vote. Pro-inclusion, cleaners, free inquiry, leadership.

Ali Azeem

BSc from Homerton in Maths and Computer Science. “I’m Ali Azeem, and I have a track record in transformation.” I’m also Ali Azeem the defeated Tory candidate in Ilford South in 2019 (20.5 per cent).

Something to do with consultancy, head of growth at something, backs Fairness, Freedom and Flourishment, stands for something. Has not stood for Oxford.

Tony Booth

Former professor of inclusive and international education at the second best university in Canterbury; senior lecturer in education, Open University. A sprightly 80 years old, has lived in Cambridge for half a century, was likely educated somewhere. Has yet to stand for Oxford. Red paint stunt-engaging admirer of Extinction Rebellion; endorsed by Cambridge for Palestine/King’s Parade Big Tent complex. “A reverse ‘Manhattan project’ is needed”; probably feeds cats tofu.

Lord Browne

St John’s, Cambridge Physics BA; MS Business, Stanford. A sprightly rich person 77, almost certainly won’t stand for Oxford. Former CEO of BP, expert greenwasher; only willing to lie in court about his private life. Many, many honorary doctorates; will do for Cambridge what he did for being gay in the oil industry; name on the 2010 Browne of Review of Higher Education, which academics may have read. Tonnes of blue-chip boards and trusteeships (Tate, Courtauld, British Museum); ritziest set of supporters. Could win.

Dr Mohamed El-Erian

BA in Economics, Queens’ Cambridge; MPhil and DPhil Econ, Oxford; 66 bland years old. Has not stood for Oxford but almost certainly will, especially if he gets Cambridge first. President of Queens’, but packed in Cambridge before his term expired because of his family, he claimed; unpacked because of opportunity to be David Sainsbury without as much money. Most usual-suspectish list of supporters, including Emily Maitlis, Gordon Brown and Stephen Fry. IMF; specialities include investment banking (PIMCO) and appearing on Bloomberg; Harvard’s endowment; will ride the markets bull unless John Browne does. Emptiest, most verbiage-ridden election statement: “This election is an important choice between an engaged and inclusive Chancellor or a passive one.” A technocratic shell of a man.

Professor Wyn Evans

Probably educated; Professor of Astrophysics, Cambridge (ex-Oxford, MIT); quite old. Seeks new academic, not bureaucratic, posts. “The best candidate for Chancellor is an internal one who understands its current problems and is active in research, mentoring and teaching.” Only wishes to serve for five years. “If Cambridge needs a high-profile or celebrity Chancellor to be noticed, we might as well give up and rebrand the University as a reality TV show: ‘Keeping Up with the Cantabrigians’.” Uses blog & twitter (@21percentgroup) to lobby against other candidates. May be fictional; Oxford plans unknown.

Dr Mark Mann

NatSci BSc, Pembroke, Cambridge; Engineering. PhD; a zesty 44. “Strategic innovation specialist” at Mark Mann Ltd; co-founder of Divine Ox. “Translated cutting-edge research into broadcasting innovation” at the BBC and is an e-citizen of Estonia. May stand for Oxford if anyone laughs at this doubtless very amusing joke. Warm smile, good hair; we’re struggling here. Nice to pets, if he owns any.

Mrs Gina Miller

Law, Polytechnic of East London (degree abandoned); Marketing, University of North London; her boarding school has now sadly closed down; ravening egomaniac, 60 summers young. “I’ve spent my life speaking truth to power.” “Electing the first woman to the role — while not essential — would be powerful and symbolic, affirming Cambridge’s commitment to modernity and equality.” Founder of The True and Fair Party. Unsuccessful True and Fair candidate for Epsom and Ewell in 2024 (1.5 per cent).

Standing soon for Oxford to fight Putin, Trump, Brexit, unfairness, sexism, cheating, ugly thoughts, opposition to sunbeams. Has no idea what the role involves, an indelible embarrassment to every single person who supports her.

Lord Smith

BA and PhD English, Pembroke Cambridge; first gay man in England; 73; lacklustre early Blair cabinet member. Secret small-c conservative and grown-up. As Master of Pembroke Chris Smith pushed for normality after lockdown hysteria, including the return to in-person Governing Body meetings and the return to in-person interviews (which almost all other colleges claimed was impossible/undesirable).

Otherwise utterly conventional Guardian opinions to the point of being refreshingly stale, performative noughties reactionary; did make museums free as Culture Secretary. Could win; denies knowledge of Oxford; good manners at high table; civilised, tells jokes, not least against himself. Is what a head of house should be and has a general understanding that the more learning, the better.

Enthusiastic dresser-upper; enjoys processing to the Senate House for graduation and volunteers to be VC Deputy whenever Pembroke is presenting. Unconfrontational but Cambridge’s six remaining Tories should be delighted with him: strikingly least bad candidate.

Ms Sandi Toksvig

BA, Law/Arch and Anth, Girton; utterly risible puddle of self-satisfaction; obviously has stood for Oxford (2003); 67. “Inaugural Q+ fellow representing the LGBT+ community”, appointed by Department of Sociology; co-founder of the Women’s Equality Party (dissolved). Sandi wants to see “more trans people in the public eye … Please know I understand and I’m here. I don’t know for what, for a cuddle? I’m here to be the grandma lesbian who goes, ‘Let’s just keep going’.” Hostess of QI, ex-host of The News Quiz, The Great British Bake Off, and No. 73. A savage indictment of this entire process; unwitting catalyst of all that is to come.