How often are you having sex? If you’re a woman over 50, it seems there’s a good chance the answer is not at all.
A recent study has found that one in four women aged over 50 has no interest in sex.
Some 24 per cent say they have gone off the idea, while 15 per cent never indulge.
Reasons for a declining sex life include everything from waning libido due to the menopause, to fatigue after many years of marriage. And yet, there are plenty of women who say their 50s proved to be something of a sexual revolution, due to growing confidence and new later-life relationships.
We asked five 50-something women to share their sex lives with us, with some surprising revelations…
TWICE A WEEK: We’ve slept in separate bedrooms for 19 years
PR agent Julia Champion, 56, has been with Matt, 54, a businessman, for nearly 22 years and married for 16. They live in south London with their two daughters, 19 and 16. She says:
Many people believe a ‘sleep divorce’ sounds the death knell of a marriage. But I firmly believe separate bedrooms is the secret to maintaining a fantastic sex life into your 50s.
While not everyone has a spare room, if it’s an option then I don’t see why more women don’t do this.
Matt and I haven’t slept in the same bed since our 19-year-old was a baby.
It started so we could both sleep when she was little – that way I wouldn’t disturb him when I was breastfeeding her. We kept it going because we found it worked for us.
We go to bed and get up at different times and he snores. This way, we don’t resent each other and get a great night’s sleep.
More importantly, our bedroom set up takes the monotony out of sex.
When you’ve been together for more than two decades this is a way of keeping it exciting, in a way that wouldn’t be the case if we were sharing a bed.
Who wants to have sex first thing when you’ve both got morning breath, or last thing at night when you are both shattered? Not me.
We have always had an equally matched sex drive. When we first met, via a dating website in 2003, we had sex whenever we saw each other, which was sometimes every day.
Obviously, after having children that wasn’t possible. Nowadays, we have sex once or twice a week and I see this as quality over quantity.
It helps that we both work from home and that keeps things spontaneous as we don’t have to restrict sex to the beginning and end of the day.
We don’t always do it in the bedroom and depending on our moods we’ll go to mine or his.
As a woman in my mid 50s, I do feel sexually confident – which isn’t the case for so many women of my age – so I must be doing something right!
NO SEX FOR SIX YEARS: I was with toyboys for years. Now I want a man my age
Maria Olson, 59, is twice divorced. She has two sons aged 15 and 36 and is a full-time carer for her autistic daughter, 32. She lives in Radlett, Hertfordshire. She says:
I’ve always had a healthy libido, so I’m not ready to give up on sex. The problem is after years of dating younger men I’d now prefer someone my own age but I’ve not found anyone compatible – and with a sex drive to match mine.
It’s been six years and I do miss the intimacy. When I’m in a relationship, sex is a priority, and I take pleasure in making my partners happy. Unfortunately there’s no guarantee you’ll always get it back!
I was 20 when I left Sweden. Like lots of Swedes, I don’t see sex as a taboo. I met my first husband a month after arriving in London and we married nine months later. I was 20 and he was 25.
Our sex life kept us both satisfied. Yet it was a lonely marriage as he was always away working. I instigated our break-up when I was 39.
Shortly after, I met my second husband on holiday in Turkey. He was 25 and I was 40, and we had a great sexual connection. He wasn’t bothered about our age difference and we married three months later. He returned to the UK with me and sexually we were very compatible – we’d have sex every day.
Unfortunately, he never settled in Hertfordshire and three years after I had our son he returned to Turkey. It was a traumatic divorce, and I was heartbroken.
Two years later, aged 50, I started seeing another 25-year-old. Again my age wasn’t an issue, but after three years we split. Six years on, I haven’t met anyone since.
My focus is on men my age as I want someone to look after me in the same way I’d care for them. But dating is hard work, particularly around caring for my children.
THREE TIMES A WEEK: After sex drought I’m sleeping with my husband again… and others
Relationship coach Angela Vossen, 53, is married and has three children aged 13 to 23. She lives in Warwickshire. She says:
I’ve been married for 18 years; it’s a second marriage for me.
We always had a good sex life, but three years ago I found we could go weeks without sex and it was affecting the rest of our relationship.
When I started looking into how we could improve things, my husband told me he had recently been unfaithful.
Even though they’d only seen one another a couple of times, it was still a shock and I was very upset. With the help of couples therapy we did get over the crisis point, but the next step was how to rebuild our sexual connection.
After confiding in my friends, I discovered that a surprising number were in an open relationship or identified as polyamorous. A good friend in her 50s said she was loving this way of life and that it had helped her long-term relationship.
I brought up the idea of opening up our relationship in spring 2023.
He was open to it, so we began speaking to friends who introduced us to some ethical non-monogamy (where a couple have relationships with other people, according to pre-agreed rules) social groups and apps.
My husband has been seeing a woman pretty regularly for a year now. I have met her; she’s very independent and doesn’t want to get married or have children.
As for me, I also have an occasional sexual relationship with a male friend and sometimes have casual dates with other people too.
My husband and I still have sex with each other a couple of times a week, though the amount varies, and we both feel more relaxed. Now we have other people in our lives, there’s no pressure to meet all of one another’s needs.
Like many women, I’d lost myself in being a wife, mum and supporting my husband. This has given me a new lease of life. I’ve lost weight, taken up healthier self-care habits and changed the way I dress. It’s even inspired me to start my new business as a sex and relationship coach called Sextasy (sextasy.me).
A lot of relationships struggle when the couple get to their 50s and that often means affairs or divorce. But this third way is the one I’m convinced will be right for more people in the future.
FIVE TIMES A WEEK: It’s important to make time for each other as you get older
Singer Stephanie Benson, 57, has been married to business owner John, 65, for 36 years. They have five children and live in East Sussex. She says:
During our 36-year marriage, my husband and I have worked hard to keep the sexual flame alight.
Today, our sex life is better than ever and I put that down to us experimenting with everything from role-play to trying out new positions.
We met when we were both working for diamond company De Beers in London. We had our first child within a year of marrying, and we’d still have sex regularly during those early child-rearing years. It helped that I was home when we had the first three children.
My mum was very traditional. She didn’t approve of sex before marriage and would warn me that after saying ‘I do’, I should never be too tired for my husband.
But I would say a husband should never be too tired for his wife either. You use it or lose it. And without sex some of the glue that keeps you together as a couple disappears.
The way I see it, he cares for my other needs, such as doing my accounts or making me my first cup of tea in the morning. The least I can do is initiate sex.
I don’t think I have a high libido, it’s just because I love being with John.
When I used to travel around the world performing and singing, if I was gone for longer than two weeks, then John would fly out to be with me, because our sexual connection is paramount.
We’ve had our moments when sex has taken a backseat. In 2015, I underwent a preventative double mastectomy and was also advised to have a hysterectomy.
Recovery took six months, but we didn’t wait that long to be intimate – there are ways of pleasuring your loved one other than penetrative sex.
Friends are amazed we’re still so close. But, while we’ve had our ups and downs, we spend a lot of time talking about our feelings.
Before we go to sleep, we always kiss and say ‘I love you’.
In fact, we say those three magical words several times a day.
ONCE A WEEK: I was crushed by Andy’s death, but I’m enjoying dating women
Entrepreneur Nicky Wake, 54, is widowed and has a son, 17. She lives in Manchester. She says:
I’ve always identified as bisexual. In my 20s, I dated men and women and was in a relationship with a Portuguese woman for two years. She broke my heart when she returned home.
But then I met the love of my life, my late husband Andy, in 2002. We married in 2004 and had the most fantastic marriage, until he suffered a heart attack resulting in a catastrophic brain injury in 2017 aged just 54.
It left him profoundly disabled, needing full-time specialist care. Sadly, the physical side of our relationship was over too and I finally lost him to Covid in 2020.
What surprised me after Andy died was that I very much craved physical comfort and someone to share my bed with, a phenomenon I now know is called Widow’s Fire.
The first time I slept with someone – a man – six months later, I wept because I hadn’t been intimately touched in four years. It was a one-off, but it felt good to find sexual comfort in the arms of another human being.
Since then, I’ve set up dating apps to help widows looking for love or intimacy, Chapter 2 and WidowsFire.
Now dating, I’m always upfront that I’m bisexual. I’m not in a serious relationship and enjoy exploring my options. After losing Andy it felt easier somehow to date women as I didn’t feel the same reminders of our love life.
Sex with women also tends to be more tender and intimate. Most guys my age insist on buying Viagra for sex. His biology lets him down, whereas I’m still in my prime. I do see one guy once a week for sex – but we’re both clear it isn’t an exclusive set up, so there are times I’ll be seeing someone else too.
I wouldn’t have had the self-assurance to lay down such rules when I was young, but as you get older your confidence around your sexuality goes through the roof.
chapter2dating.app; widowsfire.dating
