I hadn’t seen Hannah for almost 15 years. We’d been firm drinking buddies in our 20s, but life had got in the way, as it always does.
We had both got married, had children, and she’d moved out of London to Worcestershire, where the last I heard (via Instagram) she had spent more than £2,000 on a luxury home for her chickens.
But now Hannah was back in London for a social event, and she wanted to know if I fancied meeting for a coffee beforehand.
Off I trundled to a hip ‘speciality coffee shop’, where I planned to make small talk before launching into the really juicy questions, such as: did the £2,000 coop have a spare room where she could put her husband when he annoyed her?
And it was here that things got interesting. Because it turned out that, actually, Hannah and her husband were no longer together, and furthermore, Hannah was in London to attend a networking event for midlife women who wanted to explore their sexuality.
‘I just felt this side of me bubbling up until I thought: this is not something I can really ignore any more,’ she told me, as we sipped our £5 flat whites.
She explained that her husband had ‘tapped out’ of their relationship after they’d had their third child and he’d finally worked out that he was no longer her priority.
‘I’m nearly 50, and I don’t want to be mothering a grown man.’
Actress Anna Camp with her girlfriend, writer and stylist Jade Whipkey. Anna has come out as bisexual at the age of 43, after two marriages to men
Was I surprised that Hannah was coming out as bisexual at 48? A little bit, given that she’d always longed for a big white wedding and a life in the countryside with as many children (and chickens) as possible.
But what kind of prudish, Victorian thinking was that? And just why was I surprised, given that I’d had sexual relationships with women in my 20s before settling down with a bloke?
Wasn’t it possible, now I searched the drunken fog of those wild years, that I had even snogged Hannah?
Yes, yes it was.
As I questioned my response, I realised that Hannah wasn’t even the only woman I knew who had ditched her tedious, restrictive marriage to a man in order to try something different.
Another friend in her late 40s had discovered her husband was cheating on her, and immediately exacted her revenge by attending an all-female sex party for ‘straight’ women who wanted to experiment (this didn’t sound very straight to me, but who was I to argue?).
‘I’d always been tempted,’ she explained at a dinner a few months ago, ‘and I felt his bad behaviour gave me permission.’
They’re now in the process of ‘consciously uncoupling’ and she hasn’t ruled out the possibility of re-coupling with another woman.
I thought about both of my friends when I read this week about Pitch Perfect actress Anna Camp, who has come out as bisexual at the age of 43, after two marriages to men.
Could it be that sexuality is far more fluid than we’ve been led to believe? The latest tranche of 20-somethings might be the most likely demographic to identify as LGBTQ+, but I don’t think this means they are more fluid than other generations: just that they’re more comfortable admitting it.
Indeed, in a world of Pride flags and pronouns, it can be all too easy to forget that this was not always the case – and to dismiss the bravery of women such as Anna Camp and my friend Hannah.
Hannah wanted me to write about her experience – as long as I changed her name – because she’d had enough of the internalised homophobia that had kept her feeling so ashamed of her sexuality for so long. It wasn’t that she had suddenly become bisexual in her 40s – more that it had taken her until middle age to truly accept something she had known deep down since she was a teenager: that she liked both men and women.
Perimenopause had simply made it easier for her to ditch any shame she felt about it. So many women my age (and older) have been brought up with a staunchly heteronormative view of the world, a culture that tells us our lives will be complete if we get married and have kids.
Then, once those kids are raised, many wives realise that they were the ones completing their husbands, not the other way round. Is it any surprise, then, if some of them go out and explore the aspects of themselves they were too ashamed to admit to when they were younger?
‘I gave up work to bring up the family, moved out of London, all because it apparently made financial sense,’ Hannah told me. ‘Then one day I woke up and realised it only really made sense to my husband. I was trying to live my life as if it was a fairy tale, chickens and all.’
At long last, it seems women such as Hannah are getting to write their own stories.
Thanks to Gillian at M&S, middle-age is now cool
I’d assumed that my love of Marks & Spencer fashion was because I’m middle-aged. But walking through one of their stores this week with a 21-year-old colleague, I was astonished to hear her lavishly praise the clothes on display. Now that M&S has appointed the fantastic Gillian Anderson, 57, as their ‘chief compliments officer’ for customers, they’ve achieved the impossible and made middle-age look cool.
Gillian Anderson fronts the new Marks & Spencer campaign. Having the 57-year-old as ‘chief compliments officer’ for customers has achieved the impossible and made middle-age cool
Stop weather apps raining on our parade
Our house is completely controlled by weather apps. Whether it’s my daughter asking what the ‘feels like’ temperature is as she gets ready in the morning, or me binning off a day out because of a pessimistic rain icon, nothing gets done before first consulting the five apps on my phone.
So bravo to the group of UK tourist attractions – Chester Zoo and Blackpool Pleasure Beach included – who have come together to ask for changes in the ‘misleading’ way the weather is displayed on these apps. They say that using a drizzly cloud to summarise an entire day, even when it is mostly forecast to be dry, costs them thousands of pounds in cancelled trips. Time to stop raining on our parade!
A new study shows that some people are becoming obsessed with tracking their sleep via wearable tech, to the detriment of their wellbeing. I had to get rid of my Oura ring for a slightly different reason – because the flashing red and green lights on it kept me awake.
We need the King to speak out, too
I am grateful that Camilla continues to speak out on behalf of victims of sexual violence, as she did this week. But it would have been even more powerful to hear the King’s voice on this important subject. If shame is truly to change sides, as the badge Camilla wore suggested, then we need to remember that while this might be a women’s issue, it is firmly a man’s problem.
Camilla continues to speak out on behalf of victims of sexual violence, wearing a badge that said ‘Shame must change sides’
I am turning into my mum!
A new study has found that more than half of adults use phrases their own parents did. Top among these is ‘Money doesn’t grow on trees’ and ‘Were you born in a barn?’. I found myself exclaiming ‘This isn’t a hotel!’ when I walked into my daughter’s tip of a bedroom the other day. I couldn’t work out what was worse: the mess, or the fact that I’ve turned into my mum.
