How better to bestow proper cycling etiquette upon the immigrant delivery population?
As a keen commentator on culture and current affairs, few things spark joy more than coming up with easy solutions to difficult problems, which the usual gaggles of so-called “experts” have missed. Trade deficit? Try exporting more. By-election predictions? Whoever gets the most votes is likely to win. Many small boats are illegally making their way across the English Channel? I was stuck on this one for a while, but found inspiration when I heard that it was the fiftieth anniversary of the film Jaws, which is subsequently being released back into cinemas in IMAX.
What really gives me a spring in my step, however, is when I manage to come up with a single solution to several issues facing our country. While looking at a list of what really matters to voters, I noticed that the same points keep arising: immigration, safety, infrastructure, jobs. How could we solve all of these issues at once? Surely there must be something the government is overlooking. And then, like a hangover or a Deliveroo cyclist, it hit me, full-force.
The cycling proficiency test. A more clear predictor of British birth than having a tin of loose-leaf tea in the cupboard which is never used, the cycling proficiency test bestowed proper cycling etiquette upon generations of children across the United Kingdom. Taking the form of a short course usually delivered in schools, it taught young people how to safely cycle on the road: how to stop at red lights and indicate, how to alert others of your presence and avoid accidents. Earning the cycling proficiency badge was a mark of pride, and while many children cycled profusely beforehand, this symbol of expertise encouraged it even more.
A number-plate system could be introduced to find out whether the cyclist should really be on the road
In the gig economy of today, where zero hour contracts are prevalent and people work as often as they want, or can, tens of thousands of jobs exist which require the bicycle to carry out their roles: food delivery cyclists. They are a feature of the British high street almost as recognisable as the red telephone box or, more recently, the homeless man outside Lidl.
The majority of people have availed of the services of these nomadic workers, however they differ from the typical cyclist, the middle-aged-man-in-lycra who sets off Sunday morning to hold up traffic. These workers are often immigrants, legal or otherwise, who would be unable or unwilling to find work in more traditional sectors which require things like experience, a right-to-work, or a grasp of the English language. In March, the government announced it was introducing a series of “tough new laws” to crack down on illegal working for firms such as UberEats, Deliveroo, and JustEat; as a result, police have been raiding asylum hotels recently to arrest those suspected of illegally supplying McChicken sandwiches. I say there is a much simpler solution, one which would not simply burden the already over-encumbered and under-effective police services with yet more work to do.
As a precondition for both entering Britain through the legal migration routes and for receiving any form of benefit after arriving here illegally, aspiring citizens should be required to undertake the cycling proficiency test. It would both allow them to more easily integrate into British culture while also making them aware of how our road transport system works. This would make commuting easier for those individuals allowed to work, encouraging them to find work as self-sufficient transport would now become accessible to them. For those not allowed to work, but whom will likely continue to do so anyway given the police’s history of not really bothering to solve crimes, it would at least make them aware that they should “get off the bloody footpath”, a phrase I have often found myself disparaging the reckless balaclava-clad cyclists with.
For those utilising bicycles on a regular basis in metropolitan areas, a similar system to car number-plates could be introduced, easily checkable to find out whether or not the cyclist should really be on the road. If yes, then allons-y!, bring me my kebab. If no, then the requisite legal processes for illegal working should be followed. This would doubtless prevent innumerable road traffic collisions from occurring, while also freeing up job roles for those suffering from joblessness who are struggling to get back into work. A booming new sector could be created, one of cycling proficiency test instructors and adjudicators, regulation enforcers and back-end data analysis professionals, and perhaps tutors for those young students for whom the test is a recent memory.
If I were a particularly Net Zero-friendly parliamentarian trying to reconcile in my mind the recent purported crackdown on illegal immigration, I might find solace in this kind of policy, caring about the environment while also sticking to the party whip. I’m looking at you, Mr Miliband. If only our government were actually aligned on their goals and sought to address these issues seriously.
