Living with someone you love should be a joy – but let’s face it, even the strongest couples can find themselves stuck having arguments about who last cleaned the bathroom, how long is too long to scroll on TikTok and whether it’s really worth spending £350 on Oasis tickets.
Often, the most common conflicts in a relationship aren’t dramatic rows but slow-burning, everyday tensions that quietly build over time and chip away at your connection with your partner.
To find out why these disagreements crop up – and learn how to stop them spiraling into bigger arguments – we asked Dr. Lalitaa Suglani, psychologist and dating expert for eharmony, to break down the five flashpoints that most often trip couples up. Here are her tips for smoothing out tension before common issues turn into a full-blown stand-off.
Division of household chores
Anyone who’s lived with a partner knows the ongoing battle of dividing up the chores. Often, one person feels they are expected to do the ‘bulk’ of the tasks and anything their partner does agree to help with feels like a concession rather than two people jointly looking after their space.
Dr Suglani says this is the most frequent issue she notices with couples. ‘One partner, often the woman, feels they’re carrying the mental and physical load. Their partner offers to “help out”, which shows they’re not sharing responsibility equally in the long run. This might seem like a small niggle, but it can build up until the partner bearing the weight of the chores feels resentful and overwhelmed.’
Top three tips to resolve the issue:
- Assign and talk through the household jobs, rather than assuming one person will do something because they always have or because of stereotypes. Creating a shared schedule or list of responsibilities helps, as it provides a visible aid to ensure things are getting done.
- Focus on using inclusive language. Rather than referring to ‘the laundry’ or ‘the dishes’, say ‘our laundry’ or ‘our dishes’ to create a shared sense of ownership.
- Praise effort, not perfection. Appreciation for someone doing a task (even if they haven’t loaded the dishwasher how you prefer) can build momentum, whereas criticism often causes people to shut down and not bother trying.
Parenting styles
There’s a reason so many strong couples hit a bump in the road after having children, Dr Suglani says. ‘Parenting styles can come from childhood experiences which your partner may not be aware of,’ she explains. ‘Often, your parenting style isn’t at all apparent until you have kids, by which point it’s a little late for considering how compatible your parenting is.’
It requires real effort to work on this issue, because parenting is a full-time job. ‘Differences in discipline, routines or emotional approaches can create ongoing friction,’ Dr Suglani agrees. ‘It’s especially important to acknowledge when one parent feels undermined or unsupported, as it suggests the parenting “team” is splintering.’
Top three tips to resolve the issue:
- Agree on the basics and stick to them. Even if your methods of imposing rules or communicating differ, that way you have a common, united set of basics to revert to and work together to enforce.
- Divide roles based on strength, not gender. The idea that mums should be left to handle tantrums and/or dinner time is outdated. Split activities equally and consider occasionally mixing them up, to ensure you’re empathetic towards your partner’s efforts.
- Schedule time to talk. A weekly 10-minute parenting debrief is a great opportunity to discuss any issues and realign goals before they become a bigger issue.
Family responsibilities
This is a disagreement that often comes up when a relationship is getting more serious or when you share children. Dr Suglani says while the dream is for everyone to get along perfectly, the reality is often different and ‘extended family dynamics inevitably can create tension.’
‘Extended families and in-laws can have different opinions on who should attend family holidays, parenting boundaries or perceived favouritism,’ she adds. ‘Ultimately this external factor can lead to resentment, frustration and anger that impacts upon the couple themselves.’
Top three tips to resolve the issue:
- Discuss boundaries with your partner, set them and stick to them. For example, if you’re going around to your in-laws’ house, you can say: ‘We’d love to come over on Sunday, but we’ll head home at six.’ That way you can enjoy time with family, but also maintain your own agency and space.
- Avoid the blame game. We’re all guilty of saying things like: ‘Your mother always complains,’ or ‘Your sister is too relaxed with the kids.’ But by saying ‘I feel’ and taking joint agency in the situation, you can avoid your partner feeling like you’re attacking their family.
- Take turns. The most basic tip is often the most effective: balance both sides of the family equally where possible when it comes to big events, overnight stays or holidays. Make it fair and talk through how you feel if it becomes more one-sided.
Screen time
Is there any worse feeling than being on a date with your partner, trying to have a conversation, while they’re scrolling on their phone and mindlessly nodding along to what you’re saying?
According to Dr Suglani, it’s a problem that’s becoming more common as we become more reliant on our phones and our attention spans take a hit. ‘We have a word for it now, ‘phubbing’, or phone snubbing,’ she explains. ‘It can create real feelings of neglect, even if it’s unintentional.’
Top three tips to resolve the issue:
- Create no-phone zones. The dinner table and bedroom are great places to start – it encourages you to pay attention to what your partner is saying.
- Keep each other accountable. Call each other playfully or even with a gentle nudge. This works so much better than shaming or getting angry with your partner, and stops things escalating.
- Replace tech with rituals, like 10-minute check-ins, bedtime chats or a quick walk. That way you have something to do other than mindlessly scroll on your phone.
Money management
It’s not only money issues that cause difficulties in a relationship, but smaller disagreements like how much to save, what to prioritise spending on and whether certain expenditures are worthwhile. ‘Financial disagreements are some of the quickest to lead to resentment,’ Dr Suglani says, ‘especially if there’s a lack of transparency or one person feels they are doing more.’
Top three tips to resolve the issue:
- Have monthly ‘money dates’ where you look at shared goals, not just bills. Talk about money in an honest way and take time to understand each other’s financial priorities.
- Be honest about your triggers instead of trying to keep the peace. If spending equals stress, then say so calmly and openly.
- Maintain some financial independence. A shared account for your household costs may well work best, but separate ‘fun’ and independent funds to use for treats or experiences with friends can reduce friction.
