This article is taken from the June 2025 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Right now we’re offering five issues for just £25.
The Vatican has fucked up again. The election of a new pope is one of those rare opportunities to advance the cause of social justice, to show the world that it is possible for institutionalised religions to become more inclusive. Instead, they’ve plumped for another crusty old white male.
His name is Robert Prevost, but he has chosen the pseudonym “Pope Leo XIV”, a cynical attempt to copy the singer Charli XCX and look cool on Instagram.
It’s time to ask some serious questions about this so-called election process. Were any black lesbians included on the shortlist? Any pansexuals or furries?
Any fat lisping quadriplegic vegan Chinese hermaphrodites? If not, why not?
I would make sure all the toilets in the Vatican were non-binary
I actually think it’s about time the Vatican was taken to the European Court of Human Rights for its discriminatory practices. I’ve read the Bible — well, I scanned the blurb on Amazon — and I could find no prohibitions against female pontiffs. I actually emailed the Vatican last month to put my own name forward, and I didn’t even receive a reply. Apparently being rude isn’t covered in their Ten Commandments.
As pope, my first act would be to scrap the catechism and replace it with Judith Butler’s latest book. I would excommunicate the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom and thereby overrule its absurd decision that people cannot legally change sex. I would make sure all the toilets in the Vatican were non-binary. I would rewrite Genesis so that Adam and Eve were replaced with Elton John and David Furnish.
My next step would be to transition to Islam. Can you imagine the intersectional triumph of an omnisexual female Muslim pope? I’m sure the mullahs of Tehran would be delighted. I would immediately add a minaret to the top of St Peter’s Basilica and issue a fatwa against Jordan Peterson.
Still, there’s always next time. I look forward to that glorious day when I shall be known as the Holy Mother Titania McGrath, Bishopess of Rome and Supreme Primate of the Universe. All that remains is for me to get an app for learning Latin.
