On the latest episode of the Mail’s Life of Bryony podcast, Selling Sunset‘s Amanza Smith talked publicly for the first time about contemplating suicide in her twenties.
Amanza, 48, is a luxury estate agent and renowned contemporary fine artist, who found fame after appearing on season 2 of the hit Netflix show.
Before her career marketing high-end real estate, Amanza was a model and actress based in Los Angeles. She now raises two children, a daughter named Noah and a son named Braker, as a single mother.
The TV personality told Mail columnist Bryony Gordon about the ‘mental, physical and sexual abuse’ she suffered as a child, which drove her to substance abuse in adulthood.
‘At 27 years old, I wanted to end my life’, Amanza revealed.
‘I have never said that out loud before – I wanted my kids to be at an age where they could hear me say that and understand it.
Amanza Smith, 48, is a luxury estate agent and renowned contemporary fine artist, who found fame after appearing on season 2 of the hit Netflix show
The TV personality told Mail columnist Bryony Gordon about the ‘mental, physical and sexual abuse’ she suffered as a child, which drove her to substance abuse in adulthood
‘I remember having spent three years partying my a** off. I started not going to my auditions, and I was not doing my modelling jobs – and I was completely addicted to cocaine and other, harder things. I was totally self-medicating.
‘At 27, I got really sad. I think as a woman you start to think you have expired right before you turn 30. I am from a small town in Indiana and all my friends were already married and maybe onto their second or third baby.
‘I had been living in Los Angeles with my nose in a plate of cocaine for the last three years and then all of a sudden, I felt like I had completely, miserably failed my whole life.
‘It just felt like my life was over at 27 – if I had a gun, I would have ended my life.’
Amanza said her rock bottom came after trying to quit drugs on her own, leading to a terrifying withdrawal episode.
‘I remember getting out of my friend’s truck in the middle of the highway and walking directly into oncoming traffic’, she said.
‘I was shouting – I was coming off the drugs, I wanted to stop. I then realised, what have I been doing?
Reflecting on her story, host Bryony told Amanza: ‘You’re more than survivor – you are a thriver.’ Listen here
Amanza Smith: ‘I now get to inspire and show people, that if you keep going, you can have anything you want.’ Listen here
Amanza Smith: ‘I can literally survive anything.’ Listen here
‘Cut to now, I am 48 years old, I am an international, contemporary fine artist. I have two of the most amazing kids on the planet. I can literally survive anything.’
Amanza believes she carried the repressed trauma from a ‘tumultuous’ childhood into her early adult years.
On her childhood, the TV personality described: ‘I was abused sexually by two family members from the time I was about three until I was 11.
‘My biological mother was emotionally and physically abusive so, as a kid, I wasn’t safe being anywhere.
‘Nobody ever knew any of this was happening. I never told anybody. My mum did ask me once whether these inappropriate things were going on, and I lied. I said no.
‘In my 11-year-old head, I thought she was going to kill him if she found out – and I am going to be stuck with only her, and I didn’t want that to happen.’
Despite the challenges she had to overcome, Amanza said she wouldn’t change anything about her life as it made her the defiant person she is today.
‘I would live every moment of my life again’, she said.
‘I know now who I am – and what kind of mother I am. My kids will never have to sit on a sofa in tears talking to a therapist crying about their abuse.
‘I now get to inspire and show people, that if you keep going, you can have anything you want.’
Reflecting on her story, host Bryony told Amanza: ‘You’re more than survivor – you are a thriver.’
To listen to the full interview, search for The Life of Bryony – available wherever you get your podcasts or on YouTube now.
