NO matter how much you love and fancy your partner, there are times when you just don’t feel sexy.
I’ve been with my husband Bryn, 42, for 17 years and our sex life looks a lot different to when we first met, especially since having our two daughters, now ten and three.
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Recent research by Higher Nature found one in four women aged over 50 has no interest in sex, while 81 per cent say their libido has declined since menopause.
But it isn’t just Gen X struggling – studies have shown Millennials and Gen Z have less sex than previous generations at their age.
A 2018 study by counselling Relate found that 61 per cent of people in their 30s were having less sex than they would like and 31 per cent said they’ve ‘lost their libido since having children’.
I can relate to this.
After a traumatic birth with my first daughter, sex was painful for a long time due to scarring and pelvic floor issues.
It took months for me to find out what the problem was and years to recover.
Thankfully we’ve put in a lot of work to get back to enjoying sex.
Bryn and I have a happy balance, both favouring quality over quantity, and trying to avoid comparisons with other couples.
Sometimes we have sex three times a week, particularly just after I’ve ovulated and my hormones are telling me to get busy making babies.
But at other times things are a bit quiet in the bedroom department and it might not be for weeks or months.
This tends to be because we’re tired and busy.
On top of raising our kids, we are moving house, Bryn has changed jobs and I’m running my own business.
These are all some of the most stressful things you can do in life and there’s little time to switch off, let alone find an extra hour to get turned on.
We all know sex can be fun, but it’s also about connecting with your other half and even with yourself – which isn’t always easy.
For us, the times when we are both in the mood are when sparks really fly. But the tricky part is getting our libidos in sync, especially of late.
I’m not expecting a long-term relationship like ours to feel like a teen romance – but finding an easy way to kickstart arousal would be welcome, especially when we know we have a child-free few hours to enjoy ourselves.
Luckily, there’s a growing market for products that claim to boost your libido.
I’m not expecting a long-term relationship like ours to feel like a teen romance – but finding an easy way to kickstart arousal would be welcome
Rather than drugs like Viagra, designed to get things up and ready for action, these are more subtle.
They contain ingredients that claim to stimulate your desire for getting intimate.
One of the most affordable options is patches that you stick onto your body half an hour before you’d like to jump into bed.
They enter your bloodstream topically through the skin, for faster absorption and no impact on the gut.
I was sent a pack from The Patch Collection, who produce patches to aid with everything from jetlag and metabolism to insect bites and period pain.
Their Libido version contains a variety of plant extracts and herbs – fo-ti, damiana, gotu kola, saw palmetto, tribulus terrestris, Siberian ginseng and L-arginine.
These ingredients lay claim to benefits like increased energy and better mental clarity. Saw Palmetto may balance hormones while L-arginine could increase blood flow.
Cringe-free
A single patch costs £3.99 – or you can get a pack of 15 for £19.99, working out at just £1.33 each, with extra discounts if you subscribe.
Generally, we enjoy vanilla sex but with a few sprinkles thrown in. It’s not unusual for us to try a new toy and we have tried libido boosters in the past – with some success, so we are both up for trying these.
They’re discreet, arriving in the post in anonymous and cringe-free packaging.
The instructions are straightforward. You simply peel off the back, stick on a hairless area of skin and you’re done. They are barely noticeable, with no pulling when you take it off.
The first time I use them, the instructions say to put the patch on around 30 minutes ahead of time to feel the effects.
I do this after dinner, a bit ahead of going to bed.
As I wait, there’s a little shift in my libido – but not much.
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I give it a little longer but don’t get the hoped-for turbo boost and luckily (or not), Bryn slept badly the night before so our planned sexy session doesn’t happen.
It’s a disappointing start.
The second time, after a few days apart from each other, we both try the patches – they are unisex.
It’s not just women whose libido fluctuates. According to the NHS, one in five men suffer with loss of libido at some point in their lives.
We try to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible to make the experiment fair, so we avoid having romantic or sexy touches, like a special dinner or lacy underwear.
We go to bed at the usual time and this time we do have sex. It’s enjoyable.
It’s not just women whose libido fluctuates
However, we’re often more turned on when we’ve been away from each other so it’s hard to tell if the change is due to that absence or the boost from the patches.
We decide to give it one last shot. Maybe 30 minutes before a roll in the hay just isn’t long enough to light our fires?
We choose a weekend when we are away together with friends, both wearing our patches for the whole day. The result?
Well, we do have sex – we’re away without the kids, after all.
We had spent quality time together, in grown-up company, not worried about the kids all day, and had a delicious dinner date. This can make all the difference.
However, there wasn’t the real oomph of arousal that I was hoping for.
Bryn says there wasn’t the impact he’d expected either.
We’ve used other libido boosters before which, in our experience, have worked better. Hanx’s Libido Lift – which is £3 per sachet – works fast, and lasts for ages.
When I tried that I was stunned by how quickly I felt turned on. I had gulped it down mixed with water before bed and it worked wonders.
We also once experimented with libido boosting chocolates by the brand ForPlay. Gold-flecked, they brought on an intense feeling which lasted well into the next day.
So much so that the second time we used them I only ate half a square of chocolate so I wasn’t left turned on the next morning.
For me these libido patches did not have the same effect. Maybe the placebo effect of using the patch may be stronger than the work of its ingredients.
When I felt a twinge of arousal, it could have been from circumstances as much as the patch itself. This might be due to the delivery method – I don’t think you can get as much active ingredient as you need via the skin.
I also wonder if different people will respond to the ingredients better than others or need a stronger dose of one element to have an effect?
But it’s still worth giving a go, as even just the thought of getting frisky with your partner might be the bedroom boost you need. And if it doesn’t work, give a different one a try!
Clio is the author of Get Your Mojo Back: Sex, Pleasure and Intimacy After Birth, £14.99, Watkins.
4 MORE LIBIDO BOOSTING BUYS
Hanx Libido Lift, £14.99 for five sachets, hanx.co.uk
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This peach-flavoured supplement is easily dissolvable in water, smoothies or cocktails, containing traditional aphrodisiac maca root powder, as well as vitamin B6, Tribulus terrestris, L-arginine and maritime pine bark extract.
ForPlay Chocolates, £28, forplay.co.uk
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There’s a luxury vibe to these adaptogen-infused treats to enjoy together.
Includes three for him and three for her, plus six play cards. Available in milk or dark.
Oh Collective Date Night Chocolates, £14.95, collective.co
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These dark chocolate and strawberry treats have extra oomph thanks to maca, panax ginseng, damiana and cayenne.
Box includes four chocs plus a truth or dare card.
Novomins Turn Me On Gummies, £19.99, novomins.com
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These gummies are more of a classic vitamin supplement, containing maca, damiana and L-arginine as well as zinc and vitamins B6 and B12 to boost wellbeing.
