DEAR DEIDRE: I CAUGHT my dream man in a passionate embrace with a fitness instructor in the leisure centre we work at.
This has thrown me completely. I am 29 and run the cafe there. I love my job and meeting customers.
When the gorgeous new lifeguard started paying me loads of attention, I thought my life was complete.
He is only 23 but we had an instant chemistry. We discovered we had lots in common, including supporting the same football team.
After three weeks, we swapped phone numbers and began texting out of working hours.
One night I couldn’t get him out of my mind, so I rang him.
We arranged to meet at a pub and spent the night chatting.
After a few more drinks I invited him back to my flat.
I had butterflies in my stomach and felt like a teenager again.
As soon as we closed the door, we were all over each other. The sex was awesome and it felt like we had always been together.
We met as often as we could after that. A relationship quickly developed, and everything was perfect until the day I caught him with someone else.
I’d gone into the staff locker room after a shift and could hear giggling.
I turned the corner and there he was, all over the fitness instructor.
They weren’t far off having sex and I was so distressed I ran out and got into my car.
I have since ended our relationship, but I am devastated and can’t face going into work and seeing him every day.
The thought of the two of them together makes me feel sick. How do I get past this?
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
DEIDRE SAYS: What a horrible shock for you – and what a way to find out.
He isn’t mature enough to commit to one person. He is a lot younger than you, and this can be significant in your twenties.
Still, he shouldn’t have led you on by starting a relationship he wasn’t capable of respecting.
But you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Be polite and civil at work when your paths cross and keep all conversations with him purely professional.
That way, you keep your dignity intact. My support pack Moving On will help you. Focus on your social life and meet lots of new people.
You will find someone who will want to commit to you 100 per cent.
Another of my support packs, Finding The Right Partner For You, can explain this more.
BEST MATE TAINTED MY BABY NEWS
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I shared the happy news I am pregnant, my best friend was horrible towards me on social media.
I’m 28 and I’ve been with my boyfriend, who is 30, for five years. We had been trying to conceive for more than a year, so you can imagine how excited I was.
My friend put a comment on my status saying that while it was good news, she hoped I wasn’t going to be making a big thing about it over the next few months.
She also said I was either brave or stupid for telling people so early on. I am almost three months pregnant, so I did hold back for a few weeks. She said there is always a risk something could go wrong.
I was gobsmacked and upset that she could write something like this.
I know her relationship is going through a bad patch, so I wonder whether her attitude is because she is jealous of me. I am unsure how I should handle this.
DEIDRE SAYS: Of course you want to share your good news with your friends. She’s the one with the problem. She may be longing for a baby or struggling to conceive.
Don’t let her spoil what you have going for you but tell her how important her friendship is to you.
Say you worry that she seems upset.
She may confide in you but if she doesn’t, accept this is more about her issues and take a step back.
SHOCK AT SISTER’S CLAIMS
DEAR DEIDRE: AN accusation of sexual assault by my sister against my fiancé has forced me to cancel our wedding.
I’m a woman of 36, and my partner, who I have now left, is 39.
My sister was staying at ours after she had broken up with her boyfriend.
She came into my bedroom one night after we had gone to bed.
I saw she was crying so I told her to get into bed with me, just like we did as children whenever she was upset. She’s 32.
After an hour we both fell asleep. My fiancé returned from a night out with his friends.
He got into bed too. My sister says that my boyfriend then touched her sexually. She woke up, pushed him away and got into her own bed.
In the morning she told me what he had done and I was horrified.
Before all this happened, we had fallen out over my hen do weekend, but I still invited her to our wedding.
I have a strong feeling that it’s jealousy on her part. But my boyfriend didn’t try to stand up for himself either.
He just said it was a lie. He didn’t fight to keep me, so I walked away, calling off the wedding too. I lost my sister and my future husband on that one day. It has devastated me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Have a good think about why you believe this is all because of your sister’s jealousy. Why would she lie about something so serious?
You may never know the truth for certain but ask yourself what she has to gain.
Your fiancé didn’t put any effort into denying her claims and even if he did touch her inadvertently, it didn’t mean enough for him to fight to keep you and your relationship.
Once this revelation has sunk in, you may start to feel grateful for what you now know.
Don’t let this rift with your sister continue. Tell her how much you miss her and that you want to clear the air.
HOW CAN I WIN MY EX BACK?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY ex-boyfriend won’t get back together with me after I cheated on him – because he doesn’t want people to think he’s an idiot.
I am 23 and he is 25. We were together for almost two years until I had a fling with a guy from work.
I bumped into this man at a bar a few weekends ago and ended up back at his flat.
I know it was wrong, and I realised I had made a mistake, but my boyfriend dumped me as soon as he found out.
Then I asked him if we could start dating again but he thinks everyone will think he’s a soft touch.
His family are trying to be supportive and understanding about us being together again.
But my ex can’t make up his mind whether to give me another chance or not.
I have apologised over and over, and I am trying to do everything I can to prove myself. I don’t know what else to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: He’s no doubt hurt that you cheated, but your relationship is about the two of you. He needs to consider what will make him happy rather than what others may think.
Give some thought as to why you cheated and promise never to repeat it.
If you can both strengthen what you have together, he may feel more certain about the future.
Give yourself a time limit for him to change his mind, rather than wait around indefinitely.
