Sometimes, hard lessons hit you when you least expect it.
Mine arrived on a cold winter’s night, mid-sob, as I packed up my things from the house I’d temporarily shared with a very toxic ex-boyfriend.
Nope, that wasn’t the hard lesson, though it should’ve been. I chose to drag that disaster out for at least another year. (What can I say? This girl likes drama.)
This particular lesson hit when a close male friend rocked up with his ute to help me high-tail it out of there. We were halfway through packing when I collapsed to the floor in a flood of tears and he rushed over, scooped me up and hugged me as I properly let it all out.
It was cathartic, and nice to be held by someone who felt safe while I grieved what I thought was the end of a torrid little love saga.
As I sobbed, he patted my back and told me everything would be okay. But then, mid-ugly cry, he went in for a kiss. WHAT?! No. Absolutely not. I was quite literally crying over another man.
I pushed him away, and he scurried off to the next room with – I kid you not – a clear-as-day boner in his pants. Even now, I physically cringe thinking about it.
But the real hard lesson I learned that day (pardon the pun) was you can never be 100 per cent sure of a male friend’s motives.
Jana Hocking tested the real intentions of her male friends with a single text message
This all came flooding back when I stumbled across a study by psychologist William Costello that made me clutch my pearls.
He surveyed more than 500 people and found that while 81 per cent of women believe men and women can be just friends, only 58 per cent of men agreed.
Even more damning was that women were three times more likely than men to describe their friendships as purely non-romantic.
Which got me thinking… are my ‘just mates’ secretly hoping for a cheeky little romp?
Naturally, I decided to test the theory. I texted a few of my guy friends and asked them point-blank: ‘If you knew we could hook up once – no strings, no awkwardness, no friendship fallout – would you do it?’
(Now, full disclaimer: I was not emotionally prepared for any ‘eww, heck no’ responses. But I put on my big-girl pants, braced myself for the truth, and hit send.)
Reader, the replies rolled in.
Some were brutally honest. Some were oddly sweet. One used the phrase ‘in a heartbeat’ – which I’m still emotionally recovering from.
One of my school friends offered a ‘charming’ response when I asked him if he’d sleep with me
‘Yeah that’s going to be a no from me, champ,’ one of my guy friends texted back. Relief!
Just like that, my little bubble of platonic friendships popped.
Don’t get me wrong, these aren’t desperate guys biding their time while stuck in the friend zone. They are all lovely, normal men who have never once tried it on with me.
Yet they freely admitted that, under the right conditions, yeah, sure, they’d go there. I mean, why the hell not? That was literally how they phrased it. Like they were suggesting we go for a walk around the park.
And so began my deep dive into the not-so-innocent world of male/female friendships.
I started with my straight male best friend of more than a decade. We’ve never crossed the line, but he’s definitely rattled a bloke or two I’ve dated in the past.
I’ll never forget the time I was on a date at a bar, and a waitress delivered two shots of tequila ‘from the guy across the room’. I looked up, and there was my best mate, also on a date with a gorgeous girl, raising his own shot glass in salute.
We found it hilarious. His date found it hilarious. My date… Not so much.
Anyway, when I sent him the text, he came through like the legend he is. He replied:
My best male friend offered a 10/10 response
‘Oooo absolutely – if open to it, you’re very attractive and we’re both mature, right! (scrambling to open Uber App). Experience tells it’d be a bad idea though. Damn emotional attachments haha. So much temptation for a school night!’
A masterclass in stroking the ego and issuing a reality check. Bravo. 10/10. No notes. Friendship still intact.
The same couldn’t be said for an old school friend who simply wrote, ‘F*** yeah!’ How charming.
Next, I texted Tom*, another good mate. I fully expected a comedic rejection and had a back-up question ready. Here’s how it went:
Me: ‘Heya, quick question… if you knew we could hook up once – no strings, no awkwardness, no friendship fallout – would you do it?’
Tom: ‘Darl, I don’t know if you got the memo… but I’m gay. LOL are you drunk?’
Me: ‘Yeah, but you’re like a gold-star gay. Don’t you want to see what it’s like to be with a woman just once?’
Tom: ‘No, darl. I could think of nothing worse. Keep your vag away from me!’
(For those playing at home, a ‘gold-star gay’ is a man who has never touched a vagina. Let alone poked one with his pecker.)
Right, on to the next.
This one went to a former work colleague whom I see more as a brother. He once said to me in a meeting, ‘Jana, put your boobs away – they’re distracting.’ In fairness, I was wearing a low-cut top and they were looking particularly fabulous that day.
Still, for the plot, I hit send. His response? ‘Yeah that’s going to be a no from me, champ. I’m not going on your hit list or ending up in your articles.’
Denied. And faith slightly restored.
So what did I learn from this diabolical experiment? A true close friend will politely decline and make a joke. But your average male ‘buddy’ or one of those old friends from school or college? He’s… probably going to say yes.
Perhaps the most wince-inducing response came from one modern-day Casanova who responded, ‘I mean… a hole’s a hole, right?’
So no, it’s not exactly shocking to learn that some men in platonic friendships would be open to crossing the line if the opportunity were to present itself.
But are they actively scheming for it? Not really. At least not in my experience.
So carry on, platonic friendships. Just try to maybe avoid a drunk pash… unless you are absolutely sure it won’t end with an awkward boner and a friendship in tatters.
- Names have been changed
