HOW, you may ask, did I end up with oestrogen smeared all over my face? Well, David Beckham made me do it.
For the past two months I’ve been following his beauty and fitness regime, adapting as my budget allows. I’ve been leading a shadow life as Budget Becks.
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It started with those photos – the Hugo Boss underwear ones, released in January.
At an age at which most men are developing bad knees and a prostate bulge, there he was – lithe, oily, shredded, groin thrust forward, legs in a confident manspread.
Shadow life as Budget Becks
I stared, slack-jawed. There are only five years between us, and I like to think I’m in good shape.
Apart from the love handles, wrinkles and thinning hair, I can pass for 52, in a good light.
Could I too look like that? And so my eight-week challenge began. My wife Stephanie, 45, is sceptical. But being a Becks fan, she’s also hopeful.
The oestrogen is a mistake. One of David’s grooming secrets is to use whatever his missus Victoria leaves lying around.
Grooming secrets
So I do, too. Every night, Stephanie applies a cream she keeps by the bed. Sometimes, during the day too, depending on whether she’s hot or not, as far as I can work out.
This, I assume, is a valuable elixir, and for a few days I sneak a few dabs without telling her.
It doesn’t significantly improve my complexion, but I do get an uncharacteristically strong urge to watch the new Bridget Jones film.
When I realise my mistake and admit what I’ve done, Stephanie raises an eyebrow and says: “At least you haven’t grown breasts.”
The yoghurt is a clever hack I devise to save myself £60 on a tube of Victoria Beckham Beauty Daily Lactic Acid Gel Cleanser, which David has been known to use.
Lactic acid is also found in fermented products, such as yoghurt and kimchi. As cabbage doesn’t quite offer the right consistency, yoghurt is perfect.
Hair transplant rumours
I use Müller Corner Vanilla Yoghurt With Chocolate Balls, as while you’re waiting for the “mask” to take effect, you can munch on the treats.
Becks’ hair is another mystery that needs decoding. In the Boss photos, it’s dark and tousled.
The shadows help to hide the thinness, which was more pronounced when David appeared in his 2023 Netflix documentary, Beckham.
Experts have suggested that David has had a hair transplant, but there has never been any official confirmation of that.
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Without a trip to Turkey, I can’t compete. My hairline is scorched earth, like the Amazon rainforest after the loggers have moved in.
Instead, I opt for the style David sported when he launched the Eyewear By David Beckham S/S ‘24 collection, and shave my head.
To nail his dark and moody look, I buy a tube of Just For Men Control GX Grey Reducing Shampoo And Conditioner, which smells like axle grease, but does bring my grey stubble down a tone or two.
I use it on my eyebrows, too, which now resemble two burnt caterpillars.
Body hair is another challenge. Our man has undergone many iterations, from hairless to manicured, so I turn to the UK’s wax queen, Kim Lawless.
Becks makes it look effortless, and gives the rest of us something to aspire to
She explains that in his Boss photos, Becks has had his chest, torso and panty line carefully groomed, allowing him to manspread without sprouts of pubes hanging out the leg of his pants.
“The most important thing is to blend the hair in that region,” says Kim. “If you don’t, you end up with a line of hair on one side and bald skin on the other, which looks weird.”
The consummate expert, Kim even sends me a body map of Becks’ hair to use as a template.
In the event, however, I decide that as my transformation may involve the application of copious (temporary) tattoos, it’s best to emulate Becks from his 2013 H&M Bodywear launch and get the lot waxed off.
‘Not for the faint-hearted’
I put myself in the capable hands of the pros at Strip Hair Removal Experts in London’s Soho, mainly because they count Victoria Beckham as a client.
Getting the hair pulled from your body is never going to be a relaxing experience, although the addition of a TV playing back-to-back episodes of Friends as a distraction is a nice touch.
In the experienced hands of waxer Mari, the process is quick and relatively painless, apart from the chest, which is not for the faint-hearted.
Two episodes later, I’m as smooth as a porpoise, and glowing like Red Hulk.
Next, I research David’s wellness routine and find a lead that sounds promising. “I’m a big fan of acupuncture, deep tissue massage and cupping,” he once said.
Like a sexy squirrel, [Beckham] snacks on nuts, but does have a thing for Kettle crisps and Stella Artois, because they pay him mega-bucks, presumably. I cherry-pick elements of his diet – specifically, the lager and crisps
What man doesn’t like to be cupped? I ask Stephanie if, for research purposes, she wouldn’t mind cupping me.
She tuts and explains that Becks didn’t mean that kind of cupping. Instead, it’s the alternative therapy in which suction cups are attached to the body to promote blood flow.
Educated, I tuck myself back in, decide that’s a bit too New Age for me, and turn to David’s diet and fitness routine instead.
It turns out he’s a dietary saint, starting the day with a cheese omelette, then fuelling himself with lean chicken, vegetables and fish.
Like a sexy squirrel, he snacks on nuts, but does have a thing for Kettle crisps and Stella Artois, because they pay him mega-bucks, presumably. I cherry-pick elements of his diet – specifically, the lager and crisps.
He also has his own supplement brand, IM8. The hero product is the Beckham Stack: Essentials + Longevity Set, a wellness potion that “promotes a more vibrant, healthier life”.
At £154 for a month’s supply, it’s beyond my budget, so I pop to Holland & Barrett and buy some cod liver oil and multivitamins instead.
Fitness snacking
David’s fitness regime is equally complex. He does “fitness snacking” – small bouts of activity during the day, which includes cycling to work, walking the dogs and gardening. Most people have another name for this – life.
When he’s not snacking on fitness, David pushes a sled 250 yards, does 60 push-ups, bangs a battle rope around, swings a kettlebell and squats.
This is just Monday. On Tuesday, he does 10 sets of sprinting for 1km. Then on Wednesday, it’s 200 squats, 150 push-ups, 100 leg raises, 25 burpees and 50 plank-to-push-ups.
Then it’s back to running and, in between, he does yoga, rock climbing and martial arts. Like God and Craig David, he chills on Sunday.
What do David Beckham’s tattoos mean?
Hands
Starting with the hands, and David Beckham has the word “Love” inked across the top of his left hand, with a swallow on either side.
This is joined by the numbers 723, a combination of the shirts he famously wore for Manchester United and later Real Madrid.
On his little finger, he has the year he was married.
Becks also has a small female-stick figure designed by his daughter Harper.
The devoted husband has “Posh” tattooed on a finger as a nod to wife Victoria Beckham‘s Spice Girls nickname.
Arms
Becks has two sleeve tattoos on both his arms with the centrepieces paying tribute to his marriage to Victoria.
The most famous of his body art comes in the shape of her name along the inside of his forearm, which is inked in Sanskrit.
Both Posh and Becks have Hebrew tattoos, which they got to celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary.
The matching tatts translate to, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine”.
Meanwhile, Becks also has a separate rose inking on his left arm to mark the couple’s tenth anniversary.
Neck
One of Beckham’s most famous tattoos is on his neck, which is a gothic style cross and wings.
It is symbolic of to his religion and acts as a protective guardian of his son Romeo, whose name is tattooed just below the angel wings.
Beckham also has the name of his daughter, Harper, on the side of his neck.
This was later updated to include the words “Pretty Lady”, to mark her fourth birthday.
Back
Beckham’s back tattoos serve as tribute to his sons.
He has angel wings at the top as a sign of protection for them.
Becks has both his eldest on Brooklyn, and his youngest son Cruz‘s names inked across his back.
Body
Beckham has a large chest tattoo that is an image of himself as Jesus, with three cherubs representing his sons, Brooklyn, Romeo, and Cruz.
The footy ace also has a vertical tattoo down his left side in Chinese symbols – this translates as “Death and life have determined appointments”.
Paying homage to his father, he has an inking of a ship at full mast – which is identical to the same one his dad has.
My local David Lloyd gym runs a HIIT class, so I sign up to several sessions a week.
Because David works out with VB, I rope Stephanie in, too, but she refuses to stand next to me, because apparently I sweat and grunt too much.
My eight-week challenge at an end, I’ve learned that being Becks isn’t easy. Or cheap.
He makes it look effortless, and if you have an army of personal trainers, plenty of time, and access to the world’s best groomers and therapists, it probably is.
That’s not taking anything away from him – he gives the rest of us something to aspire to.
The exercise certainly helped tone me up and I intend to stick with it, given Stephanie’s appreciative look when I pull on my pyjamas at night.
But as for the waxing and all the rest, I’m not sure it’s worth the effort. Am I even a shadow of the man he is? You’ve seen the pictures – what do you think?
