Never in the field of human space travel has so much guff been spoken about a teeny-weeny rocket ride by so few to so many.
The hot air that spewed around Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin launch yesterday could have powered flight NS-31 to Mars and back. Instead, the rocket merely tickled the boundary of space and came straight back down again, a boomerang of banal, in spite of the wondrous technology.
However, from the way they carried on, you’d think the women on board had lunch with the daleks on Planet Gallifrey, circled the sun before teatime and found a cure for cancer.
‘This experience has shown me you never know how much love is inside of you, like how much love you have to give and how loved you are,’ blathered pop star Katy Perry, one of the astro-celebs on board. ‘It’s not about going into space, it is about what we are going to bring back,’ said her co-traveller Lauren Sanchez.
Sanchez was absolutely my favourite fem-astronaut. She likes to call herself a ‘journalist and philanthropist’, but perhaps the word which best describes her is ‘fiancée’. At some point in the not-too-distant future she will marry her boyfriend Bezos, the reason why she was given seat one on the space capsule and had to snog him before take-off and immediately after landing. Their obvious closeness was confusing, because in various interviews you never knew if Lauren was talking about the space mission or fun times with her lover.
The crew celebrates a successful voyage. From left: Jeff Bezos, Kerianne Flynn, Katy Perry, Lauren Sanchez, Aisha Bowe, Gayle King, Amanda Nguyen, Sarah Knights, director of Blue Origin’s astronaut office, and Blue Origin CEO Dave Limp
The six women wait to begin their journey into space
‘It all started when I came here and watched Jeff go up. And when he came back down, he was more grounded. And Jeff said: “Would you ever go up?” And I said, “Yes, I would go up”,’ said Lauren, but let’s be honest, we all presumed she did anyway.
Forgive me, it is difficult to be serious about this entire space she-caper, launched in Texas near a town called Van Horn and organised by a Blue Origin executive called Dave Limp.
At one point the BBC got solemn and wheeled in a proper astro-expert called Libby Jackson, the Head of Space at the Science Museum in London. But even she didn’t help. ‘I am always excited when anyone is getting on top of a rocket,’ she said.
On top of this particular rocket were Sanchez and Perry, along with CBS Mornings star – and Oprah Winfrey’s best friend – Gayle King; plus Amanda Nguyen, a civil rights activist who became the first Vietnamese woman to fly to space; film producer Kerianne Flynn and former Nasa rocket scientist Aisha Bowe.
The women boarded and deplaned in strict order of celebrity, not actual space knowledge or smarts. After all, they were not crew, they were passengers – and this was a flight, not a mission – one in which they risked little more than an imploding implant.
A blast of flame and the ‘mission’ is airborne
Up, up and away and …
Clouds of dust surround the capsule as it lands
Lauren Sanchez is welcomed back by fiance Jeff Bezos
Singer Katy Perry holds up a daisy for her daughter Daisy
Oprah Winfrey was among those on the ground
Ms Perry kisses the Texas soil as the ‘astronauts’ safely landed back on Earth
The women scream as they briefly experience zero gravity inside the capsule
In their fresh blow dries and Blue Origin-branded sexy jumpsuits which Lauren helped design with some top bods from Oscar de la Renta, insisting on wearing Skims bodycon underwear, they understood their mission to the hilt. ‘We’re putting the ass in astronaut!’ said Katy Perry. Maybe so, but they had as much control over events as party girls crowded into the back of a pink limo on a hen night – and at times that is exactly what they sounded like.
On the glutinous television coverage provided by in-house Blue Origin team, there was only the following soundtrack from the 11-minute voyage: ‘We’re in outer space,’ screamed Katy Perry soon after take-off, an observation which is not going to win her The Congressional Space Medal of Honour any time soon. ‘Oh! Look at the moon, you guys, look at the moon!’ yelled someone else. ‘Oh my god, oh my god!’ another voice bellowed. But what did these women expect to see? The Sydney Opera House? Yoda in a Skoda?
‘I love you, moon!’ cried a voice, and I bet it wasn’t Aisha from Nasa. Someone sang a snatch of Happy Birthday. Katy crooned a bit of What A Wonderful World, everyone screamed as if they were kids on a fairground ride.
Hardly a symposium of global space experts – this was not a journey to infinity, but to inanity and beyond.
‘They have hit apogee,’ said a Blue Origin voiceover. This heralded four minutes of weightlessness at the peak of the trip, when the women had to unclip the five-point harness that kept them in their seats.
‘One of the most important things they have to do is buckle and unbuckle at the right time,’ said the host, but it was hardly walking on the moon or refuelling at the International Space Station.
‘Great piece of news there, all astronauts are back in their chairs,’ came the voiceover, as if they were toddlers at teatime.
Among the crowd of celebrities watching on the ground in Texas were those well-known astrophysicists and space experts, Kris Jenner and her daughter Khloe Kardashian. They were interviewed by Blue Origin’s Tabitha Lipkin.
‘I don’t think I realised how emotional it would be. I literally had chills all over my body. Its sorta hard to explain,’ said Khloe. ‘I had all this adrenaline and I am just standing here.’
Her mother Kris thought the best thing was ‘to hear the girls screaming’ because now she ‘wanted to hear, like, every little emotion they had.’
‘That is beautiful,’ sobbed Tabitha.
Sanchez was overcome afterwards and it wasn’t just because she had to kiss Jeff. She said she felt ‘complete and utter joy and gratefulness’ for the experience. She added that she didn’t cry that often, but that she was crying now. One must take her word for it and accept that the gelatinous liquid seeping from her eyes were tears.
She also sobbed about ‘all the love that was in the capsule and all the hearts’ and how women are ‘not seen as explorers but really we are.’
Heavens know what any real female astronauts must think about this publicity stunt masquerading as an important space voyage, or the intergalactic delusions of the women who took part, but one thing is for sure. Space travel might be a giant step forward for mankind but, despite all the love, this was a step backwards for the sisters.
