“NOT tonight, darling, I’ve got a headache!”
It’s a classic we’ve all heard — or used — to dodge saucy action.
But being on the receiving end of constant rejection can destroy our mojo, in and out of the bedroom.
Today, one in five couples are effectively in a sexless relationship — meaning they do the deed less than ten times a year.
While it’s no secret that nookie declines in long-term relationships over time, many don’t realise its surprising health benefits.
Not only does it boost your mood and immune system but it can actually help you live longer.
Worryingly, women who are rarely sexually active have a 70 per cent increased risk of dying early than those who get jiggy at least once a week.
But it’s not all doom and gloom.
With the weather warming up, spring is a great time to dust off those cobwebs and come together, as it were.
What’s more, a whopping 65 per cent of us feel hornier over the Easter holidays — due to less stress, less work and longer evenings.
But not everyone is at it like rabbits. Most couples’ bedroom clocks are out of sync — with one keen to hop into bed while the other just isn’t in the mood.
And when that awkward moment strikes, the “not tonight” partner often becomes an expert at knocking back their other half.
If you think you may be on the receiving end, fear not.
Here are the nine signs your partner is avoiding sex and how you can fix it.
THEY PAY YOU A COMPLIMENT
YOUR other half is showering you with compliments — but the moment you try to make a move, they shut it down.
It may be confusing but experts say this is actually very common.
Often, people know when they’re rejecting their partner — and with that can come guilt.
So they overcompensate with kindness and compliments to make themselves feel better.
When your partner says something nice, don’t jump straight to initiating sex.
Instead, lean into the moment. Thank them, return the compliment and say something like, “I’ve missed you,” or “I love it when you do X, Y or Z.”
Because in long-term relationships, desire isn’t always spontaneous — it’s responsive.
Your partner may not feel like they’re in the mood, but once they feel that connection it could remind them of what they’re missing.
THEY START WEARING PJs
OVER 90 per cent of communication is non-verbal, so what you wear to bed is a big indication of whether you want to get it on or not.
If it’s warm indoors but your partner suddenly slips into their trusty M&S pyjamas — the ones their nan bought them for Christmas — it could be a clear sign they’re putting up a barrier.
Sleeping sans clothes actually has a ton of health benefits.
Practising just ten minutes of tantra in bed together a day can help to build that connection.
Lie naked together, synchronise your breathing but don’t have intercourse.
Just slowly run your hands over one another’s body and enjoy the closeness.
Taking the pressure off sex and the “end result” can actually boost your sex drive.
THEY LOOK THE OTHER WAY
DON’T underestimate the power of eye contact. It can be a big precursor for sex.
If your partner is constantly looking away — especially in moments that could turn intimate — it might be a sign they’re holding back emotionally.
Don’t stare at them like a serial killer, that will just make things awkward.
Instead, create a safe space free from distractions and try to maintain around 60–70 per cent eye contact.
It’s one of the simplest, yet most powerful forms of foreplay.
After all, there’s a reason they say you can undress someone with your eyes . . .
THEY START SILLY ARGUMENTS
YOU’VE been getting along all day then suddenly they’re picking a fight over something tiny, like a dirty cup left on the side.
If there’s a pattern of arguments cropping up right before bed, it could be a tactic to avoid getting intimate.
Stay calm and don’t rise to it, because rows aren’t about winning, they’re a chance to reconnect if handled right.
Experts suggest using humour to completely disarm the situation. Try pointing at something random — like a lamp — and joking, “I think that lamp is judging us.”
It might sound silly, but laughter is one of the quickest ways to break tension.
What’s more, studies show women with humorous partners report stronger, more satisfying orgasms.
THEY FAKE TAN BEFORE BED
EXPERTS are reporting a surprising rise in high-maintenance beauty routines — and the unexpected impact they’re having on our sex lives.
From fake tan to lengthy skincare rituals, these habits can be very time-consuming — and can double up as a subtle way to avoid intimacy.
Sex and fake tan don’t exactly mix.
The sweat from getting hot and heavy can leave it patchy and ruin your bedsheets, while that “dog biscuit” scent can be a total turn-off.
Studies show attraction is heavily influenced by smell, meaning a nasty scent can kill the mood instantly.
If your partner suddenly prioritises these routines before bed, it could be less about self-care and more about creating a barrier without having to say no outright.
The solution? Schedule sex around your partner’s beauty routines and mark it in the calendar. It may sound unsexy but it’s the key to success.
THEY AVOID ALONE TIME
IT’S Friday night, the kids are in bed and you’re expecting a candlelit dinner and a nice bottle of wine, only to walk through the door and find your mother-in-law already at the table.
Sound familiar? Deliberately sidestepping intimate moments — like a romantic night in — can be a surprisingly cunning way to avoid getting it on.
Make an effort to eat out together once a week. It doesn’t have to mean a fancy restaurant — even a quick bite out for lunch can do the trick.
Research shows that proper date nights in a new environment — away from kids’ toys strewn across the floor — can help bring couples closer, in and out of the bedroom.
THEY LOOK AT EMAILS IN BED
DIVING straight under the covers with a phone glued to your hand — a habit known as “phubbing” — is a serious mood killer.
Incredibly, a whopping 74 per cent of us are guilty of doing this.
Not only does this shut down cuddles and conversation, but that harsh blue light can also disrupt your body’s natural wind-down, making it even harder to switch into a romantic mindset.
Agree to make your room a technology-free zone. Turn off all devices — and turn each other on instead.
Even something as simple as reading an erotic book together can help bring the spark back.
THEY GO TO BED EARLY
IS your partner suddenly going to bed much later — or earlier — than you?
If you’ve noticed a dramatic change in their sleep pattern, this could be a sneaky way to eliminate any romance.
Communication is key. Ask if everything’s OK — but keep it calm and non-confrontational.
The last thing you want is for it to feel like an accusation.
If your partner genuinely needs to go to bed at a different time, don’t see it as rejection. Instead, suggest a moment that works for both of you — maybe a cheeky morning meet-up in the shower?
Just make sure you invest in a non-slip bath mat first — there’s nothing sexy about a trip to A&E.
THEY USE YOUR NAME
IT might sound silly, but if your partner suddenly starts calling you by your real name instead of a cute pet name, it could be a subtle sign they’re putting the brakes on romance.
Most people only address others using their full names when someone’s in trouble. Using a cute pet name is actually a form of flirting — which is just as important in long-term relationships as it is in the early days.
If you notice your partner is doing this, playfully respond by calling them by their full name, and the chances are you’ll both end up laughing.
And that light-hearted moment could be just the spark you need to bring the chemistry back.
