DEAR DEIDRE: We’d made plans for our future and I really believed we’d be together, so the moment my lover finished with me was overwhelming.
She’d promised me she was going to leave her husband, that I was the only man for her, and we’d be together.
Then she sent me a text out of the blue to say she was going to work on her marriage and couldn’t see me again, and I’ll admit I saw red.
Still, back then I couldn’t have imagined the dark way things have turned out.
If I could turn back time, I would because my actions have led to disastrous consequences, and I’m struggling to contain the fallout.
I wasn’t thinking clearly when I tracked her husband down and sent him a message blowing the lid on our affair.
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He sent me a testy response basically saying his wife wasn’t like that and he knew I was lying.
In response I sent a barrage of sexts between us, complete with naked selfies. I felt smug for about ten minutes before a sense of shame, guilt and regret set in.
My lover and I met on the train. We’d both get the same train most days after work and sometimes we’d be on the same carriage in the morning also.
I thought she was stunning from the moment I saw her and we always enjoyed a lively conversation together.
We’re both in our late 20s and her husband is in his early 30s.
One evening after work, she actually fell asleep on my shoulder. She was embarrassed when she woke up. I couldn’t resist and leaned in to kiss her. She was surprised at first, then leaned back in to kiss me.
We’d meet up for a drink before we got on the train and then she started inviting me back to her home when her husband was working away.
We had an incredible sex life and she was more energetic than any woman I’d ever met.
This carried on for months and we were really falling for each other.
It’s surreal how we are in such a different place, in a matter of days.
After sending the selfies, I got a visit from the police to warn me they’d had a complaint from my ex for sending unsolicited nudes. Apparently her husband wanted me to be arrested for stalking.
They’d sent the police my images but not hers making it look like I had an unhealthy obsession.
Obviously, I set the police straight and showed the sexy conversations my ex and I shared. They understood what was happening but still warned me to stay away from her – for my own good.
I’ve been left humiliated and am so tempted to give her a piece of my mind.
I no longer bump into her on the train anymore but I have been thinking that I could wait at the station until I see her.
I can’t believe she’d be so cruel.
DEIDRE SAYS: Whatever you do, resist the temptation to make contact with your ex. You’ve already been warned by the police to stay away so don’t risk any further involvement with them.
It’s natural to feel confused and hurt when, not only did this break up come out of the blue, but your ex has lied about the nature of your relationship.
There are a number of explanations as to why she’s changed the narrative, perhaps her husband has forced her to go along with the lie, or perhaps she has tried to convince him she was more innocent in all of this.
While it’s true you have not been stalking your ex, if you continue to try to contact her, and certainly if you hang around the train station waiting to approach her, even after the clear instruction to stay away, then your behaviour could be interpreted as persistently threatening and stalking.
In your head you simply want answers but I’m afraid, you won’t get them from your ex.
Instead, start to accept you may never understand why she cut you off so abruptly.
You would be far better off focusing on your own healing. When you’re ready, get out with your own friends again.
Spend time with the people who make you feel good about yourself and in the not too distant future you will feel ready to meet someone.
And this time, make sure that person is available to spend time with you to avoid any similar heartbreak.
My support pack Mending A Broken Heart explains more.
Dear Deidre’s Infidelity Issues
From hidden flings to messy betrayals, cheating stories regularly appear in Deidre’s inbox.
One woman is involved in an intense affair with her child’s teacher, torn between the passion of a secret romance and maintaining her family life.
Another reader admits to repeatedly cheating on her loving boyfriend, compelled by a need for attention and desire, while living a seemingly normal relationship.
And a third man’s married double life came crashing down when his mother discovered he had been secretly paying for escorts.
STALKING IN THE UK
Stalking is often misunderstood as something done by strangers, but in reality it is far more likely to come from someone known to the victim and it can escalate quickly.
WHAT COUNTS AS STALKING?
Under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997, stalking is defined as a pattern of repeated, unwanted behaviour that causes distress or fear. This can include:
- Constant messaging, calls or emails
- Following or monitoring someone’s movements
- Showing up uninvited at home, work or social spaces
- Online surveillance or harassment
- Sending unwanted gifts
WHO ARE THE STALKERS?
Research consistently shows stalking is usually carried out by someone the victim already knows:
- Analysis by the Crown Prosecution Service found the majority of stalking cases involve former partners, with one study showing as many as 84 per cent of prosecutions linked to ex-partners.
- The Office for National Statistics reports that around 21 per cent of victims are stalked by a current or former partner, with additional cases involving family members and other known individuals.
- Research published in the British Journal of Psychiatry suggests around three-quarters (76 per cent) of victims know their stalker, including former partners, acquaintances and colleagues.
HOW COMMON IS IT?
- The Office for National Statistics reports that around one in five women and one in 10 men experience stalking since the age of 16.
- Each year, over 1.5 million people in England and Wales are affected.
- Women are disproportionately targeted, particularly by ex-partners.
