We’ve all come across the kind of man who makes you want to start edging away as soon as you see him heading over.
The friend’s husband who always pulls you into a hug that’s just that bit too tight. The school-run dad who places his hand on the small of your back as he leans in to chat.
Odds are, you might have discussed such men with your friends, all of you raising your eyebrows – not to mention whispering that you feel sorry for the poor woman who is married to him, and thank God your husband doesn’t behave this way.
But what if he does – and you’re just none the wiser? After all, even if he’s been making your female friends uncomfortable by being that bit too touchy-feely, they may feel it’s just too awkward to mention to you.
The sad reality is that when put in an uncomfortable situation, many women simply freeze, unsure whether they’re overreacting or how to respond without ‘creating a scene’ – even though the experience leaves them feeling uncomfortable, embarrassed and subtly undermined.
As a relationship therapist, I’ve spoken to many women who only find out their husbands are secret gropers when a sexual conduct complaint is raised at work. Others have had to endure an excruciating conversation with a friend who has finally had enough of their husband’s behaviour.
Men often seek to touch women to assert their authority, not make sexual advances
Author Smantha Marcham
And part of the reason why so many women fail to recognise what their partner is doing is because the men themselves don’t realise they’re being inappropriate. Women have told me their husband has met their accusations with genuine astonishment – having prided himself on being sociable, charming and well-liked.
The motivations behind groping can be revealing. For some men, inappropriately touching women is more about power or dominance than sexual attraction.
Others simply lack the empathy to consider how their behaviour might make someone else feel.
Very often, the women I counsel tell me that once the problem finally comes to light, they look back and realise the signs had been there all along.
Those conversations have taught me that certain patterns tend to appear again and again. So, if you recognise any of these signs in your husband, it may be time to have a hard conversation…
He comments on strangers’ figures
When you’re out in public, does he stare openly at women or comment on their figures?
Maybe you’ve heard him say that a friend of yours could do with losing a little weight, but you didn’t think anything of it because it wasn’t exactly positive attention he was showing her.
Yet even negative comments can indicate that he feels a sense of entitlement when it comes to women’s bodies – and that can easily translate into physical touching too.
Your heart sinks when women speak to him
Perhaps you’re out together and a woman at the bar laughs at his joke, or someone strikes up a friendly conversation while you’re waiting in a queue. Instead of feeling pleased that he’s getting along with people, you feel a knot of dread in your stomach.
If he has a track record of being overly friendly with women – even if you’ve never seen him be tactile – and it makes you feel uncomfortable, take note of this warning sign your body is giving you. If it gets to the stage where you dread him even chatting to a woman, this may well indicate a problem.
He’s tactile with other men
Surprisingly, men who grope women are often tactile with other men too.
They might grab shoulders, nudge, mock-wrestle or sling an arm around other men while talking.
On the surface it looks like harmless banter. But this behaviour can also reveal a deeper need to assert dominance. Even something as simple as an overly firm handshake can be part of this pattern.
Beware a man who has a track record of being overly friendly with women
Your friends keep their distance
One of the most telling signs is the reaction of other women around your husband. They might not want to tell you about his behaviour to your face, but you might notice a friend shifting slightly away or stepping back when your husband is close.
As a casual observer, this might seem odd on her part, or even rude. But you ought to consider whether something must have happened to make her act this way.
He minimises other men’s behaviour
A man’s reaction to stories about groping or harassment by other men can be very revealing.
He might dismiss them as exaggerated or insist people are ‘too sensitive these days’. If his instinct is to defend the man involved rather than consider the woman’s experience, this could reflect that he’s normalising his own disrespectful behaviour towards women.
You tell yourself ‘that’s just how he is’
Perhaps the most overlooked warning sign is when you begin to normalise aspects of your husband’s behaviour that make you feel uncomfortable.
Many women tell me they raised concerns about their husband being too touchy-feely early on, only for him to react with irritation or offence. He may insist she’s imagining things, say he’s just being friendly or accuse her of being insecure.
Over time this kind of response can leave a woman feeling as though she’s the problem. Gradually she stops questioning the behaviour and begins to explain it away as part of his personality.
But when you find yourself repeatedly saying ‘that’s just how he is’, it may be a sign his behaviour is more troubling than you’ve realised.
Samantha Marcham is the co-author of Porn Bomb: What every young person needs to know about pornography
- As told to Rachel Halliwell
