“NO, not jewels, Mummy – JOWLS.”
Blushing beetroot red, I realised my daughter wasn’t pointing at my sparkly earrings, but at the flabby skin hanging below my jawline – and the shame prompted me to try a bizarre beauty hack that could have seriously backfired.
“I saw wobbly jowls on YouTube,” she persisted, as I quickly scanned the room for the swiftest exit from the pizza place we were dining in.
We were out for a family meal and my daughter, 11, was giggling as she relayed how some influencer or other had shared a jowl fix on her channel.
I was mortified, because despite knowing my face was changing, I’d never put myself into the ‘old lady’ demographic of women with sagging faces.
Ten years ago it was much rounder and more plump. But gravity, frowning and declining collagen levels have taken their toll.
And while drinking less alcohol and exercising more has had a positive effect on the rest of my body, my face is thinner and, well, saggier.
A few years ago I realised that my wrinkles were more defined and I experimented with a few sessions of microneedling, only to come out in an almighty rash that took seven days of steroids and antihistamines to clear up.
I’m not going down that road again.
Drooping eyelids
And while the temporary intervention had resulted in a fresher face – for a while – it did nothing to address the drooping eyelids or the wobbly bits of skin below what used to be my jawline.
Surgery, for me, isn’t an option. Both cost and pure terror prohibit me from ever considering going under the knife. On the one hand I’m not that bothered and I’ve accepted I’ll never make it to the front cover of Vogue.
But on the other, I would quite like to regain the tightness and glow that I once took for granted.
Despite being convinced every celeb on the planet has had some work done, I envy sports presenter Gabby Logan’s perfectly defined jawline, Hollywood star Kate Winslet’s natural beauty and Pamela Anderson’s stunning, makeup-free face (even without a scrap of slap, she still looks hotter than most women on the planet).
But let’s face it, most of us don’t have Pammy’s genes, so she’s hardly a realistic role model.
I don’t want to look 20 years younger and I don’t want a permanent expression of surprise. I like my eyebrows where they are.
But sometimes, just sometimes, it would be nice to look at a photo and think, ‘There they are’ when looking at my eyes, or to be able to distinguish between the bottom of my face and the top of my neck.
They say you never remember the last time you changed your child’s nappy. Well, you also never remember the last time you saw your jawline. Fact.
As my birthday approaches this year and I accept creeping another year closer to 50, I’ve been asking myself if I am happy with what I see in the mirror.
Sometimes, yes. But more often than not I delete selfies the morning after any night out, unhappy with the angles of pictures and the face I don’t quite recognise.
I don’t believe in magic, but damn this was close
I’d love to look at a photo of myself and think, ‘You’re looking good’, rather than, ‘How can I crop this so I don’t look so old?’.
I’m too poor and scared for surgery, but I’m not shy of seeking out quick fixes for special occasions and last year I made the revolutionary discovery of ‘tummy tape’ to tame my muffin top.
So when I got an email from the same company, Tonee, revealing they had a new product – a face tape – I was more than a little curious.
Could this be the quick fix I’ve been dreaming of?
I scanned their Instagram, then ordered a packet each of face tape and neck tape. If they did what they promised I’d be regaining my 30-something face for less than a fiver. Could it really be true?
It took a week for the tapes to arrive – they come from America – and they dropped through my letterbox the day before a night out.
Hesitantly, I did a practice run. For the face tape, which lifts the brows and smoothes out wrinkles, you attach one piece of tape to your temple, then perform a Houdini-esque manoeuvre as you pull a cord round the back of your head and affix the other side.
Wow – despite the fact I felt like someone was pulling my cheeks into my scalp – the effect was instantly visible.
Next I attached more tape to my neck, below my dreaded jowls, then reached behind and stuck it on the other side. My jawline was back.
My face was clearly perched atop a neck, rather than one body part merging into the other. I don’t believe in magic, but damn this was close.
Full facelift
The tapes are cheap – you get a pack of ten and it works out at just £4 a time for a full facelift.
Bargain Botox without the risks at a snip of the price. Far cheaper than fillers, and you can whip them off at the end of the night and frown as much as you like the next day.
I can’t say they’re comfortable, but you get used to the tight feeling.
I wouldn’t recommend the tapes for a wild night out, with head flaying or excessive sweating, so they’re not quite nightclub clobber.
But if you’re heading to a wedding, planning a family photo shoot, or spending some time where you want to look and feel your best, they’re worth a try.
Once applied, the face-lift tapes are almost invisible
Just make sure you do a practice run first to get used to the feeling.
Once applied, the face-lift tapes are almost invisible. I tied my hair up to stick them on, then let it fall around my face to cover any evidence.
I had quite a giggle turning up to the pub wearing my tapes, but not telling anyone. “Have you had work done?” one friend asked, while another more subtly suggested that I “must be doing something right”, adding, “You look so, er, healthy. And different. In a good way.”
Happy to take both compliments, it wasn’t until a couple of hours later I revealed the Sellotape pulling my features into their new place.
If you want a quick fix, each tape can be worn separately for a more subtle effect, or to address your particular insecurity, but together they create a powerful effect.
For £4 all-in, these tapes are verging on miraculous. In just minutes they knocked ten years off my age.
They’re not a permanent solution and I wouldn’t guarantee they’d last longer than a few hours if you’re talking, eating and well, moving your face a lot.
But for a quick fix, they’re a great solution.
As long as you’re willing to laugh if they ping off in someone’s face once in a while, which, sadly, they did for me during a burst of laughter three hours into a particularly animated gathering with my mates.
Still, it makes for a good story on the next girls’ night out.
