Cometh the hour, cometh… Stephen Doughty, minister for obfuscation. MPs impertinently wished to know what the Government was doing to help the war in the Persian Gulf. Specifically, what about the Strait of Hormuz? We habitues of Mykonos nightclubs talk of little else.
Foreign Secretary Yvette Cooper would not demean herself by answering an urgent question from her Conservative oppo’, Dame Priti Patel. Yvette found she had an urgent call with the US secretary of state. To the Commons she therefore sent her slightly sweaty sidekick, Mr Doughty. Oh no!
He lumbered in gripping a red folder. As he took his seat one could almost hear a low ‘boingggg’ from the bench’s springs. Mr Doughty – about whom there is something of the late actor Roy Kinnear – sat with his flattish feet splayed at ten-to-two. He pursed his lips so much, he may have been parping to himself Oystein Baadsvik’s tuba solo, Fnugg Blue. Mr Doughty ran a fond hand down his magnificent tummy. It was 3.25pm, an hour when bears can feel nostalgic for lunch.
Sir Keir Starmer had already done one of his characteristically magnetic turns at a morning press conference. The PM, in whom the early stages of lockjaw (if not rigor mortis) may be apparent, stood at his lectern and swayed. He did a fair amount of blinking yet the rest of him was rigid. His voice, as ever, was that of a frogman yet to remove goggles and snorkel.
Sir Keir Starmer during a press conference on the Middle East crisis on Monday, March 16
To Brother Doughty, therefore, fell the burden of elucidating, to our democratic legislature and an anxious nation, the wishes, demands and cunning strategy of the Starmer regime in the matter of this Iranian war.
The minister began as he intended to continue, namely by saying the Prime Minister had ‘set out very clearly that the Straits of Hormuz are vital’. Well, yes, but what was our diplomatic and military response? Mr Doughty said resources had been ‘pre-positioned’, adding: ‘The Prime Minister has been clear about that.’
Nonetheless, MPs had questions. Dame Priti suggested we could not ‘sit on the fence’. Mr Doughty hooked an eyebrow and blurted that ‘we’ve been very clear about our objectives’. The Lib Dems were hot for more aggression. V hawkish, indeed, were the yellow team. Unfortunately for those who believe in the transatlantic alliance, the fight the Libs sought was with Washington, not Tehran.
Mr Doughty noted the Lib Dems’ spokesman had set out his view ‘clearly’ and continued ‘I will be clear that the Prime Minister has a clear approach to this crisis’. Labour MPs nodded. Others scrunched their faces and said ‘eh?’ Mr Doughty continued: ‘I need to be clear. We are clear. I will also be clear.’
Foreign Office minister Stephen Doughty, or ‘minister for obfuscation’, says Quentin Letts
He was happy to announce the US treasury secretary had ‘made clear’ some position or other. A damp lick of his fringe started to work free from the rest of his hairdo at 4.10pm. By 4.19pm it was dangling like an abandoned telephone receiver.
In addition to his ‘clear’ routine, Mr Doughty said perhaps ten times that Iran had been ‘reckless’. He also kept talking about ‘our European partners’. Sir Oliver Dowden (Con, Hertsmere) hoped we would support allies in the Gulf. Mr Doughty said, twice, the PM had ‘set out very clearly’ what we were doing. Sir Keir had also been ‘decisive’. Someone laughed.
Sir Bernard Jenkin (Con, Harwich), Andy McDonald (Lab, Middlesbrough), John McDonnell (Lab, Hayes), Brendan O’Hara (SNP, Argyll), Alicia Kearns (Con, Rutland), Peregrine Moonshine (Lab, Redruth), Vikki Slade (Lib Dem, Mid Dorset), Sir Iain Duncan Smith (Con, Chingford), Kim Johnson (Lab, Riverside), Adnan Hussain (Ind, Blackburn), David Reed (Con, Exmouth), Dame Chi Onwurah (Lab, Newcastle C) and Ayoub Khan (Ind, Perry Barr) were told Sir Keir had been ‘clear’, sometimes ‘very’ or ‘very, very clear’. Some were told this twice.
There may have been more. You couldn’t catch every one. It was like a drone attack.
