Dear Jane,
My wife is a stay-at-home mom and she’s never hinted at being dissatisfied by that fact.
But lately I think she’s grown bored of her day-to-day.
In the mornings, she wakes up and makes breakfast for our young son before seeing me off to work. At nights, I come home to dinner already on the table.
I’m sure we look like the picture-perfect family, but last week she made a confession that completely blindsided me.
She told me she wants to start an OnlyFans… and she wants my help.
When I asked why, she said she wants to start making some extra money for herself since she misses having a job with a steady income.
She assured me there would be no nudity involved – all she wants to do is sell photos of her feet! Apparently, one of her friends is making a killing doing the same and she wants my help taking the photos.
Now, I’m no prude, but the thought of my wife making money by essentially selling her body – albeit just her feet – is disturbing.
Not only do I find it invasive, I can’t shake the thought that some stranger online will get off at looking at those photos. I don’t want anything to do with it and frankly it seems completely unnecessary to me as I make plenty of money for the two of us.
I don’t want to tell her what to do or shame her, but I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her the same way if she follows through.
Sincerely,
Humiliated Husband
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Humiliated Husband,
It’s easy to laugh off this dilemma. However, there are deeper issues at stake here.
Being a stay-at-home mom may be wonderful for the children, but for women who once had careers, it can be both lonely and isolating.
It can be incredibly difficult to be defined solely by who you are to other people – someone’s wife, someone’s mom.
This might help explain why your wife wants to do something for herself.
I completely understand your reservations about OnlyFans. Even though not all the content is sexual, sexuality and OnlyFans have become synonymous. So, as harmless as it may be to post pictures of feet, it’s easy to apply a sexual connotation.
It seems that you’re uneasy rather than morally outraged. Is your discomfort about other men sexualizing her, or is it about her choosing to participate on this platform? How would you feel, for example, if she got a part-time job?
You can’t stop her from doing this, but you can certainly express your discomfort. I do think there are bigger issues going on here and the better you communicate, the clearer the answers will be.
Finding out exactly what she’s missing – whether it’s money, validation, agency, identity – may help her figure out why she wants to do this specific thing and whether there is something else she could do that you both are comfortable with.
You are not wrong for feeling the way you do, but nor is she wrong in wanting something for herself. Perhaps the two of you can slow down and take the time to really explore what’s going on before she makes any major decisions.
Dear Jane,
My in-laws are driving me up a wall.
They came to visit for a weekend to see our newborn, which turned into a week, which has now turned into a month.
At first I was grateful because they were helping so much with the baby but, as the days have dragged on, I’ve become increasingly annoyed.
They have slowly started rearranging my cabinets, swapping out pillows and buying new cutlery. While I didn’t say anything at first, the last straw was coming home from the baby’s doctor appointment to find that the entire nursery had been rearranged.
They even had paint swatches as if they were going to completely redecorate.
To say I was livid would be an understatement, but the worst part was that my husband was home the entire time and refused to say a word to stop them.
Now, not only do I want to kick them out of my home after overstaying their welcome, I’m concerned about the fact that my husband wouldn’t stand up for himself or me.
How do I politely tell them to leave without offending them? And how do I confront my husband about staying quiet?
Sincerely,
Mama Drama
Dear Mama Drama,
Having in-laws descend, then treat your home disrespectfully, is going to be tough at the best of times, never mind when you have a newborn.
This, after all, is the time for you and your husband to bond and adjust to your new family of three. The last thing you need are ‘helpful’ in-laws overstaying their welcome.
You didn’t say anything when they bought new cutlery and rearranged the cabinets because you probably didn’t want to rock the boat. But, in not setting a clear boundary, you have paved the way for them to overstep even more.
Your husband should defend you, but he’s caught in the middle and most men are reluctant to get involved when there is drama between their wives and their parents.
The first thing you need to do is bring your husband onto your team.
If he tells you you are making a big deal over nothing, or that his parents are just trying to be helpful, be very clear that changing your home without your permission isn’t help.
More importantly, even if he doesn’t mind, you do. A healthy marriage isn’t about who’s right. It’s about whether your partner cares about your comfort in your home.
The two of you then need to come together to talk to his parents. Explain that while you are grateful for all their help, the three of you now need alone time. Don’t get drawn into drama. If they try and argue just say, ‘That may be true and we need time alone as a nuclear family.’ Repeat it until they run out of steam.
Ideally, it will be your husband who has this conversation with his parents. If he loves you, your feelings will matter to him.
