It’s meant to be the honeymoon phase – not just the literal one. That giddy, loved-up first month of marriage when you stare at your ring, your spouse and your new life with rose-tinted pride.
But what if, just weeks in, rather than gazing adoringly at your husband, you’re googling divorce lawyers?
It happens – more than you might think.
Here’s a sanity-saving action plan if you’ve said ‘I do’ and now want to scream, ‘I DON’T!’.
Take a few deep breaths
Yes, it’s awful. But you aren’t the only one who has ever made the wrong decision.
I’m a strong believer that we all make choices based on the best options available to us at the time.
Maybe you got married because you felt lonely. Or felt pressured to get a husband because every other friend you have has one. You might have married quickly while in that glorious but dangerous first three months when everyone looks great and you’re still both slaves to your libidos.
Tracey Cox meets a woman who wants a divorce after one month of marriage – and explains why rapid regret is more common than you think
Or you might simply believe in the dream and think getting married will solve all your problems – only to find they’re not only still there but amplified.
You’re human. You’ve made a mistake. Realising early that something isn’t right and being brave enough to admit it to yourself and others takes guts, not weakness.
There’s a difference between getting married and marriage
You won’t be the first bride to crash after the wedding.
Planning a big party where you get to be the star is fun. The idea of forever – living your life with the person in front of you who suddenly seems very, well, ordinary, is something else.
It’s a shock to realise love isn’t all you need. To make marriage work you need good communication skills, the ability to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, to recognise you aren’t matching book ends after all. You need to be able to satisfy your own needs and adapt to your partner’s. You need to be mature, reasonably well-adjusted, able to set boundaries.
There is usually a ‘settling in’ period straight after the wedding is over. You’re just getting used to each other, especially if you didn’t live together beforehand.
So, the first thing to establish here is…
Is this panic or a pattern?
Is there another, concrete reason why you feel trapped? Did you discover something after the ceremony? That your partner lied about who they were? Is there physical or emotional abuse? Did one of you cheat? Is there a core incompatibility that only became obvious once the confetti settled?
Write down what triggered your doubts. See it in front of you in black and white. Imagine you are on a bus and showing a stranger what you’ve written. Would they agree it’s wise to leave?
What if, just weeks after tying the knot, rather than gazing adoringly at your husband, you’re googling divorce lawyers? (Photo for representation only)
If the reasons are big and real, they’re valid. If they’re flimsy, fleeting and fear-based, there’s room to work things through.
Get the opinion of someone you trust
If you’re in physical danger or being emotionally manipulated, call a trusted friend, family member or a support line – fast.
Otherwise, it helps to talk through your fears with someone who knows you well before bringing it up with your partner.
What’s their response to you wanting out? Do they agree you should leave or look confused or upset at the prospect of the marriage ending?
If you still feel staying is completely wrong, even if they’ve given reassurances you can work it through, book a counselling session for yourself. Even one or two sessions can help make sense of the mess of whirling thoughts in your head.
Talk to your partner
When you have a clear vision of what you think the problem is, choose a calm moment and say, ‘I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I need to talk to you about how I’m feeling’.
Keep the focus on how you’re feeling rather than blaming them. Aim for honesty, not hurt.
Their response will be telling. Do they listen and genuinely want to understand what you’re going through? Yes, they’ll be shocked and upset to have the marriage challenged so early on. But if they love you and want you to be happy, they should be as eager as you are to find solutions.
Ultimately, you’re looking for a willingness to work together to make sure both of your needs are met.
You might get clarity simply by hearing their reaction to you questioning the marriage.
If you realise you’ve committed to a lifetime with someone who doesn’t ever put you first, having your feelings dismissed or not dealt with at all could make your decision for you.
Stay and work on it or cut and run?
Only you can answer this.
If there’s love and willingness on both sides to fix things, it’s worth trying to salvage things. If you have children together, I’d strongly urge you to exhaust all possibilities before separating. Do some therapy, maybe even a trial separation.
For other women in similar situations, Tracey’s advice is clear: Better a short-lived mistake than long-term regret.
But set a time limit. If you’re just as convinced it’s not going to work three to six months on, don’t drag it out.
Legally, you can’t get divorced or end a civil partnership until you have been married one year. But you can live separately and get on with your lives.
Leaving early might be embarrassing and hurtful but staying for years in a loveless marriage is far more painful for both of you.
Better a short-lived mistake than long-term regret.
‘I KNEW I WAS DOING THE WRONG THING’
Stella met David soon after she split from her boyfriend of five years. They were married one year later – one month in, she wants out.
I met David soon after I split from my boyfriend of five years who everyone expected me to marry. He was my best friend but that was all it was: friendship. All my friends knew and loved him, and no-one was very happy with me for breaking it off.
I’d never really fallen for anyone before David. All my relationships were mild and predictable. I think that’s why I was so attracted to the intensity of this one.
There was instant, strong physical attraction on both sides. He fell for me quickly and hard. I’d never experienced love like it. He told me on the very first date he was going to marry me. The sex was fantastic. I got swept up in it all.
He got jealous very early into the relationship, but said it was a sign of how much he loved me. I’d never been in a relationship with anyone who got jealous before – I was flattered rather than annoyed. I saw him as a man who couldn’t live without me. He used to say, ‘You’ll drive me crazy one day. I love you TOO much’.
He’d had a bad childhood. His mother used to cheat on his father, who put up with it even though everyone knew. David said his father was weak, but he was a hell of a lot nicer than his mother. She was full of herself. They’d divorced by then, and she was still moving from one relationship to the next. Women are way too empathetic. I excused a lot of his behaviour because of his childhood.
I got the vibes from family and friends that David wasn’t their favourite before I walked down the aisle. Everyone liked him OK, he knew how to charm people. But they sensed that I was on edge around him. Always on high alert, always checking his face to see if he was happy or upset in any way. Wondering if I’d done anything to upset him. He wasn’t violent but he would lose his temper. He didn’t like me even looking at other men or talking with them – even old friends. Everything was seen as ‘flirting’.
He asked me to marry him five months into our relationship. I was surprised he’d asked so soon but I was absolutely and totally in love with him at that stage and was blown away.
We married exactly one year after the day we met. I was excited planning it, but we’d had some big arguments over the event. He didn’t want me to invite anyone who was close to my ex. I explained that everyone was: it would mean not inviting any of my friends at all.
The wedding day was awful. None of it was ‘me’. He controlled everything: the dress I chose, the food we served, the flowers. I looked at the faces of the people who loved me and they all looked anxious and worried, not happy for me. In that instant I knew I was doing the wrong thing, but it was too late. I wasn’t going to leave him standing at the altar.
One month later, I know it’s a huge mistake. Already, David is trying to separate me from my family and friends. He won’t be happy until he has me all to himself. He doesn’t like me seeing people without him but he doesn’t like any of my friends and family so we just don’t go out.
I’ve told my closest friend and my parents that I want out and they’ve said they are going to help me. He’s never been violent, but I’m scared of what he’ll do. I can’t believe I was so stupid to not see who he really is.
You’ll find Tracey’s product ranges at lovehoney.co.uk and her books wherever all good books are sold. Season 14 of her podcast, SexTok, starts again soon.
