My alcoholic wife has a sex drive for other men but refuses intimacy with me

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife is an alcoholic and while she hasn’t wanted intimacy with me for years, she’s happy to have sex with other men.

I know I should leave her but I’m scared of ending up a lonely old man in a bedsit.

She’s 51 and I’m 54. We’ve been married for 20 years and have two adult daughters.

When we met, I fell madly in love. But I soon discovered she was a very damaged person.

She’s never been warm or encouraging. She criticises everything I do and rarely shows affection.

I knew she liked a drink and had dabbled in drugs as a teenager. But over time she’s started drinking daily.

She can’t go a single evening without opening a bottle of wine and finishing it all herself. I think it’s taken a serious toll on her mental health and on our marriage.

She says her drinking is normal and she doesn’t have a problem. At the beginning, sex was good. But looking back, I was always the one to initiate it.

Then she started rejecting me frequently, which made me feel insecure and unattractive.

Five years ago, she announced she was “done with sex”, saying she had no libido.

Since then, we’ve had no intimacy at all, not even hugs or kisses.

Then, two years ago, when I came home from work early, I walked in on her and a man having sex in our kitchen.

Turns out she did have a sex drive. Just not for me.

I was devastated but I forgave her, hoping that things would change. They haven’t.

Leaving isn’t an option. I’ve worked hard all my life to pay for our house. I don’t want to lose everything.

I also know our daughters would never forgive me. I feel trapped. What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife rejects you sexually, criticises you, refuses you affection and has even cheated on you in your own home.

Her drinking may exacerbate her behaviour but that’s not an excuse. She is abusive and she’s taking advantage of your good nature.

This is a toxic relationship. Nothing will change unless you decide to do something to change it. It’s likely she’s ground you down so much you’ve lost all confidence.

But you can be happy – much happier – without her.

If you really want to give your marriage one more shot, then tell her to tackle her drinking.

My support pack, Dealing With A Problem Drinker, has information and links to organisations who can help with this.

This sorry situation isn’t going to magically improve on its own.

If she refuses, then it’s time to put yourself first. See my support pack, Thinking Of Divorce.

THANK YOU FOR… HELPING ME TO GET OVER FLIRTATION

DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN flirting with my decorator got out of hand, I felt so foolish.

He was painting my house, and it was clear we felt a mutual attraction.

I’m a lonely, single woman in my early 40s. He’s about 30 and very fit, with muscly arms. Soon after we met, he started sending me suggestive messages. I responded in kind.

But then he told me he had a partner. Afterwards, I tried to keep things business-like but he continued flirting.

I found myself wondering whether he was unhappy in his relationship and if his interest in me could be genuine. I was so confused.

One afternoon, he hurt his back and I found myself rubbing pain-relieving gel into it. I realised I was falling for him, and felt very vulnerable and uncomfortable. So I wrote to you for advice.

You reassured me I wasn’t foolish. He’d been sending mixed signals, and was probably enjoying the attention.

He might have been pushing the boundaries to see what could happen.

You advised me that now the work was finished, I should not respond to any further messages. What you said made so much sense. I realised I’d been bowled over by this man, and flattered by his attentions.

I now know I did nothing wrong. Thank you.

DEIDRE SAYS: Getting attention like this can be confusing, especially if you’re lonely. Put it down to experience. In time, you’ll feel better.

NEGLECTFUL HUBBY PUTS ROD STEWART GIGS FIRST

DEAR DEIDRE: HE doesn’t want to talk about it, but I fear my husband is cheating on me with another man – another Rod Stewart superfan, like him.

Every time Rod goes on tour, my other half puts on his glad rags and basically follows him all over the country.

He usually goes alone, but sometimes travels with a mysterious fellow fan.

The thing is, my husband doesn’t even seem to like Rod’s music that much, and says he’s “bored of it these days”.

We’ve been married for 30 years and are both in our late fifties. He never listens to Rod at home. His CDs sit untouched on the shelf, and he looks disappointed when he opens Rod-themed gifts.

Despite us living month to month, he’s spent thousands chasing Rod around the country. Our house needs work and I have dental issues I can’t afford to fix, yet he always has spare cash for Rod.

The resentment is beginning to poison our marriage. If Rod comes on the radio, I have to switch it off. When I asked my hubby if something was going on with this other fan, he told me my imagination was getting the better of me.

He keeps telling me he still loves me but I’m no longer sure I believe him.

DEIDRE SAYS: You’re entitled to feel resentful and suspicious. Your husband is spending time – and much-needed money – away from you, and admits he doesn’t even enjoy himself.

You need to tell him how you feel and explain that his behaviour is negatively affecting your relationship and finances.

Tell him you’re suspicious and ask him to be honest.

My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should help. Perhaps you could also sit down together with my Family Finances pack, and work out a budget.

If you can’t resolve this together, then consider couples counselling. You can contact tavistockrelationsips.org for an appointment.