CHRISTMAS Eve is usually a special time for families, but for Zoey Clarke’s children it was the same as any other day.
They’d be packed off to bed at their usual time of 7pm and told not to come out again until they were woken up. And they were strictly forbidden from racing into their mum’s room at 5am on Christmas Day.
If they had, they might have caught Zoey, 43, desperately trying to wrap their presents having finally finished her stash of cocaine – up to three grams in a night.
Zoey had been addicted to the Class A drug since she was 17 and would spend all night snorting it, as soon as her children, Sonny, now 19, and Storm, now 16, had gone to bed.
She was so hooked she even took it during her pregnancy with Storm.
Speaking exclusively to The Sun, hairdresser Zoey, who lives in Chessington, with her children, admits: “I ruined every Christmas while I was in the grip of addiction.
“If it wasn’t for my parents I don’t think they’d ever have celebrated, they were the only ones who provided any festive magic. But even then I’d ruin it with my bad mood. We’d go to their house for lunch and all I’d want to do is go home to my coke stash.
“Their presents were never thoughtful, just what I could buy last minute, with money that I hadn’t spent on drugs. I only went to a handful of their plays or carol concerts.
“I even stole their Christmas money – if a card arrived I’d open it and take any cash for drugs, telling myself they’d never know.”
Zoey adds: “But worst of all, I didn’t spend any time with them, which I now realise is the most important thing for children, that’s what makes them feel loved and cherished, not material things.
“But I just wanted them in bed so I could take drugs. I had a rule that I never started before 7pm, only when they were in bed, telling myself if they didn’t see it, they wouldn’t know and it couldn’t harm them.
“But addiction takes over every aspect of your life – I was a zombie most days, fuelled by Red Bull and Nurofen for my crippling cocaine-induced headaches.
“I dreaded Christmas as I would be forced to have ‘family time’ with my relations, and because dealers would often go away to see their families, and I’d panic I wouldn’t be able to get any cocaine. I feel so ashamed looking back at those years.
“I know many will judge me and call me a terrible mother but I think it’s important to talk about addiction.”
Zoey’s been clean now since New Year’s Day in 2018 but she remembers the festive period of 2017 being particularly bad.
She says: “My parents were incredibly generous and every year they’d treat us to a trip to UK Lapland. I never enjoyed it as they liked to get there for when it opened at 8am so it was an early start.
“I’d been taking cocaine until the early hours, rushed round to my mum with the kids to leave. She’d bought them special festive outfits to wear but I’d forgotten to put them on, we all looked as though we’d been dragged through the hedge backwards.
“And I couldn’t string a sentence together, other than, ‘Is it time to go home yet?’ It was supposed to be a magical festive occasion and I ruined it for everyone. I couldn’t even eat or drink.
“I still remember the disappointed looks on my children’s faces. It’s horrendous. My mum was so angry and with me – understandably, I couldn’t even make one day special for them.”
It was less than a month later that Zoey finally managed to kick her habit that had blighted her life for 20 years.
Her addiction started when she was 17 in 1997 – when she met her ex-partner and the father of her children.
“I’d tried drugs a couple of years earlier on a night out and hated it,” she remembers. “But this time I took a line with a rolled up bus ticket in the loos of a pub and loved it. I felt euphoric.
“Back then I had a lot of friends who took it recreationally and it didn’t seem like a big deal.”
I took a line with a rolled up bus ticket in the loos of a pub and loved it
However Zoey soon started taking it regularly and within six months she was hooked.
She says, “I can’t really explain why as I stopped enjoying it quite quickly. The image is that it’s a party drug. But I’d use on my own, taking it at work, I had various jobs, from being a barmaid to running a tanning salon – it was all day every day, lining it up on the sunbed or in the toilets, I’d go home at night to my partner and carry on.”
Zoey tried everything to give up over the years, including going to Narcotics Anonymous. In desperation, in May 2005, Zoey attempted to take her own life – she felt it was the only way she could stop. Her partner found her and she pulled through but was sectioned and went into residential rehab for 12 weeks.
Many would question why Zoey chose to have children when she fell pregnant shortly after leaving rehab.
She explains: “I was clean at the time and I had severe endometriosis and polycystic ovary syndrome and I’d always desperately wanted children and it felt like my only chance.”
Zoey was under the care of social services and had regular drug testing throughout her pregnancy and afterwards and lived with her parents, so she remained clean.
But after a year she was cleared by social services, moved back in with her partner and soon her addiction took over again.
To her shame when she fell pregnant with Storm she was deeply in the grips of her addiction and couldn’t give up.
She says: “I tried so hard and would be clean for a few days, but then I’d succumb. I hated myself but I couldn’t stop. I wanted to be a proper mum – a loving and supportive one like my mum had been to me. But addiction ruled my life.”
GETTING HELP:
If you think that you have a drug addiction then please contact your GP.
You can also visit FRANK for honest information about drugs and to find local treatment services.
If you are having trouble finding the right help, call the FRANK drugs helpline on 03001236600
Or click here to visit the NHS website for more advice and support
While Zoey took care of her children’s basic needs – they were fed and clothed – she neglected them in many ways. She fed them so much junk food that Storm’s teeth were so decayed they needed to be removed when she was just three.
It was looking at her children on December 30, 2017 that finally helped Zoey kick the habit.
“They were at the kitchen table,” she remembers, “And they looked so worried, and the house was a tip. A switch flipped in my head and I knew I couldn’t do it to them anymore.
“Many will disagree but I believe that addiction is a choice and that was the moment I chose to get better.”
On New Year’s Day Zoey split up with her ex and asked her mum and doctor for support and she’s been clean ever since – but admits even the first Christmas afterwards wasn’t special.
She says: “Recovery isn’t an overnight thing – it’s a long process. That first Christmas clean was difficult, I hadn’t yet learnt to be a mum. And the children understandably didn’t trust me, it’s taken a long time to build it up and for them to believe I’m finally the mum they deserve.
“And financially I was wrecked after spending all my money on drugs over the years. It was up to £300 a day at my worst.”
And it hasn’t helped that Zoey has been blighted by physical problems. She’s had four strokes since she got clean due to the abuse she put her body through – the latest one was in March this year.
“I’d say that last year we finally had a really good Christmas,” she admits.
“I’d found the balance between neglect which they endured for years and over indulging. I’d been so desperate to make up for lost time, that I’d buy too much of everything from food to presents – not putting thought into it but just grabbing anything thinking that material things showed you cared.
“Now I’ve relaxed. I know that time is the most important thing. Last year we spent Christmas Eve watching movies and eating popcorn and then went to my mum’s for Christmas Day. It was lovely.
“This year we’re spending it at home with my new partner, just the four of us. It won’t be extravagant – but it will be special because it’s time together. And best of all it will be ordinary – they’ll get what every child deserves, their mum’s time and attention.”
