This article is taken from the December-January 2026 issue of The Critic. To get the full magazine why not subscribe? Get five issues for just £25.
Something very bizarre has happened in the UK. After a Welsh choirboy was radicalised online by the far right and went on a killing spree, Prime Minister Keir Starmer did not hesitate to solve the problem by making it harder for people to buy knives on Amazon. And yet, for some mystifying reason, criminals are still finding ways to stab people.
I have researched deeply into this subject, and it turns out that Amazon is not the only method by which knives can be obtained. Delinquents have turned to the dark web, or black-market brokers, or international smuggling gangs. Knives can also be procured from places known as “shops”, which are called things like “Ikea”, “Argos” and “John Lewis”.
Still, nobody can accuse Starmer of not doing everything he can to guarantee public safety. In March, he issued a powerful decree: “Confirmed: Ninja swords will be banned by this summer. When we promise action we take it.” Even Starmer’s fiercest critic could scarcely deny that he has the uncanny ability to strike directly at the root of the problem.
As we all know, the Ninja community is peace-loving and tolerant
Whilst I was initially concerned about the banning of oriental cultural artefacts, I eventually realised that this was for the best. As we all know, the Ninja community is peace-loving and tolerant, and committed to the principles of justice and social cohesion. (Except for all that ambushing and assassination stuff, but that’s just part of their culture.)
Of course, racists like to pretend that failing to deport migrant criminals may contribute to the escalating problem of knife-and-ninja-sword crime, but they fail to appreciate one key point. Given that the criminal justice system is a white western construct, it is literally impossible for ethnic minorities to break the law.
I would go so far as to say that complaints about “knife crime” are a fascist dog-whistle. How hard is it to wear a stab vest when out in public? Stab vests are affordable, stylish and surely a small price to pay to uphold diversity and inclusion.
Or better still, let’s ban knives once and for all. Chopsticks will serve our purposes just as well. And the Ninjas would be thrilled.
