Why do some women get treated like princesses and others don’t – and what’s the biggest myth of all
What do YOU think the ‘Princess Treatment’ means?
Is it men literally falling at the feet and indulging every whim of women who manipulate them and don’t deserve them?
Or does it simply mean being treated well – being valued, cherished and loved – by a man who adores you?
The answer you give instantly tells me which woman you are: one that gets treated like a princess or one who doesn’t.
Here’s a clue: if you’re thinking things like ‘spoilt’ or ‘selfish’ or ‘he’s being played or exploited’, I’ll bet my next book deal you DON’T wear a crown.
Here’s something else you won’t believe
You don’t need to be the most beautiful woman in the room to get treated like a princess.
Tracey Cox reveals the things you can do to make sure you’re always treated like a princess – the first step is to believe that you should do
You don’t need to be the sexiest, the one with the best body, or be dynamite in bed (though that always helps!).
You also don’t have to be from a certain ‘class’, live in a certain area or be ‘good at’ manipulating men.
Does that cover most of your preconceptions?
I thought so…and they’re all wrong.
The only essential quality you must have is this: women who believe they deserve to be treated like a princess are the ones who get treated like one.
In other words, value yourself.
Which is, of course, not as easy as it sounds for everyone.
And while this is the one stand-out quality, there are other factors that make some women attract good behaviour from men.
Tracey Cox says that it’s important to walk away early if you see a red flag and to stand up to yourself and make your boundaries clear
It’s a cocktail of personality, past patterns, attraction chemistry and self-worth dynamics.
There are many things you can to do make sure your partner – or, at least, the next one – will treat you well.
But first, let’s look at why you might fall into the ‘pauper’ camp.
Why you aren’t princess material?
The first is something we all have no control over: our childhood.
Your childhood as taught you not to expect much.
It’s both a curious and logical fact that we’re all drawn to recreate the feelings our childhood gave us – even if they’re bad.
It makes sense to be drawn to kind, caring men if your father was one. But to seek out dismissive, critical, selfish men – having grown up knowing how awful that feels, as the daughter of a not-so-nice Dad – seems positively barmy.
Every psychology student (me included) resists this idea, until they realise it’s all about seeking familiarity.
If being treated badly was the norm in your family, you assume that’s how all relationships operate. Your Dad did it to your Mum so it must be the norm, right?
Women who grow up in broken, dysfunctional families often subconsciously seek out people like them. We are attracted to what we know. And there you have it, more reinforcement that this is just the way things are.
If this is sounding mighty familiar to you, it’s a big reason why you’re suspicious of women who do get treated well and assume the men do it are somehow ‘weak’ or being manipulated.
If you’re yet to get up close and personal to a healthy, happy relationship – either your own or other people’s – why would you walk out the door expecting good things to happen?
You have low self-esteem. Some women grew up being told they weren’t good enough, or that love means suffering. Putting up with bad behaviour. You learn to accept crumbs because you’ve been taught that’s all that’s on offer.
You’ll have warped ideas on what ‘love’ is. Blame rom-coms and traditional romance novels. They’re all based on women being attracted to ‘bad boys’ and eventually winning them over. The ‘hero’ might behave badly but it’s because he’s been terribly hurt in the past. He has a cruel father. He just hasn’t been loved ‘properly’. Growing up on a diet of this propaganda (let’s call it what it is), teaches women to make excuses for men. We hang around even
when they’re men behaving badly because the happy ending is just around the corner, right?
Now, let’s look at the other woman: the one who’s getting all the great guys.
These are the women men treat well
It’s not magic – but it does involve some luck.
You can’t choose which family you’ve born into and what your first dating, sex and relationship experiences will be. There is no doubt all these things shape who you are.
But while you can’t change the past, you can change the future.
From what I’ve witnessed and what research backs up, these are the things women can do that invite respect and consistent kindness.
They value themselves. Just in case you didn’t hear me the first (second, third) time: research shows independently minded women expect reciprocity and are more selective when choosing a partner.
They choose men with these three qualities. Men might not be still out killing wild beasts and dragging them home for women to cook but it still kind of works that way. Men who can protect, provide and commit are way more attractive to women than those who aren’t.
They set clear standards and recognise red flags. Women who walk away at the first sign of disrespect send a very clear message: I won’t be treated badly. This in itself changes the dynamic.
They’re emotionally available but not needy. That ‘please, please like me’ vibe gets the opposite result. People back away – or realise this person will put up with bad behaviour because the need to be liked is out of control.
Their lives don’t revolve around a man. They have friends, interests, great careers and goals. They arrive at relationships whole and happy, not looking for someone to ‘complete them’ or fill the aching hole of loneliness.
They communicate clearly. Contrary to what people think, women who have men eating out of their hands don’t play games. They are simply good at letting their partners know what they need and want from them.
They forgive but don’t forget – and expect change to happen rapidly. If their partner slips up, they call them on it. If it happens again, they move on. They’ll give a second chance but change better happen fast.
But hold on, there’s more – and bet you weren’t expecting this one.
They treat their men like princes. The biggest myth about the Princess Treatment is that she is a beautiful but spiteful mean girl.
The reality is she’s quite the opposite: kind, respectful, loving, affectionate and kind.
Women who get treated exceptionally well, treat their partners exceptionally well.
And that is something all of us can do.
Tracey’s latest book, Great Sex Starts at 50, is available wherever you buy your books.
Does treating people badly make them like you more?
At the start it might. In early dating phases some ‘push-pull’ or game playing might create short-term excitement – especially if the person is used to always calling the shots.
‘Come here, go away’ techniques operate on the intermittent reinforcement basis which is what keeps gamblers hooked. If they won every time, the excitement would quickly wane. But if the cycle is a mix of winning and losing, they’ll keep going because there’s hope.
Being kind sometimes and cruel others, keeps your partner perpetually hoping. But relationships that last are built on trust, safety, mutual respect and kindness – not mind-games.
Remember when people like Andrew Tate were advising men to use ‘negging’ techniques to pull women? Idea being, if I push her way, she’ll work harder to win my attention. Most found out the hard way just how well that works in real life. It doesn’t.
Even if the person can’t pinpoint why things feel wrong, they feel uncomfortable in the relationship. Emotional manipulation shows itself in some form or another.
People who do remain hooked by people who treat them badly tend to stay for these reasons.
They’re rescuers: They have a deeply held belief that they can fix or save people, and their own self-worth is based on being the caped crusader. If they do succeed in fixing the person, they’re immediately off to find another troubled soul.
Low self-worth: People with low self-esteem or a history of being treated badly normalise it. It’s what they expect from a relationship.
Fear of being alone: This is an incredibly strong driver for staying in relationships for lots of people of all genders and sexualities. If your normally fabulous friend, who is successful in other areas of their life but not relationships, stays in sub-standard relationships, fear of loneliness is usually what’s driving it.
‘The day I walked away, he changed but it was too late’
Sarah, 37, regrets not realising her own worth
‘I used to be the queen of second chances. Andrew was a charmer and used to getting them. He’d forget my birthday one week and bring flowers the next. I’d get angry, he’d apologise, and we’d go back to normal – until the next thing.
It was a constant rollercoaster. My friends said I deserved better and I’d nod while secretly believing I didn’t. Then one day, he made a joke about me being ‘too sensitive’ when I told him something hurt. He’d spent the entire night at a party chatting up some other woman
under the guise of her being a ‘good contact’. I snapped. Not dramatically. I just went quiet, stood up, and said, ‘You know what, I’m done’.
He looked shocked, like he didn’t believe me. But I really was done. I’d spent too many years trying to earn the kind of treatment I should have expected from the start.
Funny thing was, the moment I left, he pulled out all the stops. Called me non-stop, waited outside my work with flowers, made bookings at expensive restaurants and begged me to turn up. But by then, it didn’t matter. I’d already decided I’d rather be single and peaceful than partnered and anxious. I learned that the minute you stop chasing respect, you start attracting it. I’m now with a man I never dreamed would be interested in me and all I changed was my opinion of myself.’
