Are YOU a politician struggling with the big challenges facing twenty-first century economies?
Are you UNCERTAIN how to satisfy an aging population that wants to be looked after but doesn’t want to pay for it?
Do you want to deport refugees but have NO IDEA where you’d send them?
Is the burden of government simply weighing you down?
Just try Super Magic Defeat-O!
By simply losing an election in a catastrophic manner, YOU can:
- REGAIN lost confidence!
- Develop brilliant COST-FREE Wonder Policies!
- Find EASY, POPULAR budget savings!
Take Mel Stride. Not long ago he was a Cabinet minister overseeing a welfare budget that had increased by 15 per cent in a single year. Poor Mel simply had no idea what he could do to bring it down.
But then Mel experienced Super Magic Defeat-O, shrinking his own majority from nearly 18,000 to just 61!
And the impact on Mel’s vision for government was just as dramatic. Unburdened by the dreary bonds of reality, Mel addressed the Conservative conference in Manchester on Monday a man transformed. He now knows how to bring the welfare bill down by £23 billion — coincidentally pretty much the amount it rose while he was in charge. And how can he be so confident when he had no idea a year ago? Yes, it’s thanks to Super Magic Defeat-O!
“In 2016 there were 384,000 civil servants,” Mel declared. “Today there are 517,000.” Does Mel know who was in government from 2016 to 2024? Can he think of any major government changes implemented in that time that might have led to a growth in bureaucracy? NOT SINCE HE STARTED TAKING SUPER MAGIC DEFEAT-O!
Now Mel can simply announce “we will bring the numbers back down”, unburdened by any nagging thoughts about why, if it was as easy as all that, his party didn’t simply do it last year. THAT’S THE SUPER-MAGIC DEFEAT-O EFFECT!
More than that, Mel can say this even as his leader announces she wants to recruit a huge new deportation force! Is that a contradiction? You won’t notice with Super Magic Defeat-O!
Mel was introduced by a short film denouncing Keir Starmer. “He’s been prime minister for over a year, and since then, Britain has suffered because he simply doesn’t know what he’s doing.”
In 2024, the Conservatives, after 14 years of clown car government with five prime ministers whose biggest achievement was to make it harder for businesses to sell things, would never have had the confidence to suggest that SOMEONE ELSE didn’t know what they were doing.
But thanks to Super Magic Defeat-O, now the Tories can put a message like that up on the big screen without even a moment of queasy doubt!
It’s not just Mel, of course. Only last year, Chris Philp was a Home Office minister in a government that had struggled to deport half a dozen asylum-seekers to Rwanda. Now, thanks to Super Magic Defeat-O, he knows it would be perfectly easy to deport 150,000 people a year to… well, who cares about irrelevant details like where they’ll go? NOT YOU, IF YOU’VE TAKEN SUPER MAGIC DEFEAT-O!
[Some users of Super Magic Defeat-O may experience side-effects, which explains why Philp has to sit on the front bench in that funny way.]
And it’s not simply Mel’s policies and vision for power that have changed. Mel himself is a different man. Last year he was a pleasant, unthreatening fellow. Think of him as your girlfriend’s dad who quite likes you, or the maths teacher who didn’t mind if your homework was late.
Now, after taking Super Magic Defeat-O, Mel could plausibly be described as “quite forceful”: a girlfriend’s dad annoyed at having had to get the car out in the rain and pick you both up from the pub when he’d just sat down in front of Gardener’s World.
If you had seen Mel on Monday morning, announcing plans to abolish business rates on the high street, you would have known the difference immediately. “END OF!” he bellowed, so plausibly that it’s very possible you would not have laughed out loud.
And there was more bellowing where that came from. “We are the party of hope!” Mel yelled at the end of his speech, as though auditioning for the Jack Nicholson role in a local theatre group’s production of A Few Good Men. “We are the party of the future! WE CAN AND WE WILL!”
Can what? Will what? After taking Super Magic Defeat-O, Mel knows it just doesn’t matter.
So if you’re stuck in government and trapped by reality, ask your psephologist about SUPER MAGIC DEFEAT-O today! And watch your problems disappear with your majority.
