There’s only one place where you can expect to find jellyfish, dolphins and elephants altogether: the school gates.
Throw into the mix tigers, helicopters and lawnmowers, and there can be no doubt that the topic in question is ‘parenting tribes’.
Shorthand for different approaches to raising children, these titles are used to ‘break down complex parent-child dynamics,’ according to psychologist Dr Lalitaa Suglani, author of ‘High Functioning Anxiety’.
And, while many parents claim not to be aligned with any of these tribes – instead believing a child’s development demands an approach that is, above all, flexible – that hasn’t reduced their currency either online or offline.
If helicopter and tiger parents – or, specifically, ‘tiger-mums’ after the 2011 Sunday Times bestseller ‘Battle Hymn Of The Tiger Mother’ – are now easily identifiable, some of the other tribes are more novel.
The different approaches to childrearing exist on a spectrum that, to put it simply, runs from free and easy (jellyfish) to utterly overbearing (lawnmowers and helicopters).
While there is some overlap, dolphins, elephants and tigers generally occupy the space between the two.
Speaking exclusively to The Daily Mail, Dr Suglani, who is based in Birmingham, deciphers the different terms, helping mothers and fathers better understand their own parenting style – and look at ways to adjust.
The different approaches to childrearing exist on a spectrum that, to put it simply, runs from free and easy (jellyfish) to utterly overbearing (lawnmowers and helicopters) (stock photo)
Jellyfish
In a video that’s been viewed more than 400,000 times, US ‘parenting educator’ and mother-of-two Dr Vanessa Lapointe contrasts a very strict parent and an extremely relaxed one.
All those familiar with a jellyfish – distinctive for its squishiness, pliability and lack of backbone (it has no skeleton) – will understand why the marine animal was selected to describe a ‘looser’ parenting style.
Vanessa characterises the jellyfish parent as someone who is ‘easily overwhelmed’ and is ‘spineless and passive’.
In the video she says jellyfish parenting is to be avoided – along with the bully or, more crudely, ‘a******’ who ‘barks’ at their children.
According to the educator, who has 158,800 followers on TikTok, jellyfish parents are similarly ‘guilt-ridden and worried’.
She says: ‘Your children will be in the lead of you. You’re not growing them up. You’re running from behind and trying to catch up with them.’
In terms of how they behave with their children, jellyfish parents might not plan their kids’ schedule, instead championing independence and freedom.
Dr Suglani agreed that the jellyfish metaphor ‘captures a parenting style that lacks boundaries, rules and consistency,’ but also acknowledged some positive traits.
While there is some overlap, dolphins, elephants and tigers generally occupy the space between the two (stock photo)
‘Emotionally warm, but permissive, [jellyfish parents have] few expectations or consequences,’ she said.
And, given that they tend to ‘avoid conflict or discipline’, their approach to parenting ‘can leave a child without the structure they need to feel secure and learn limits.
Tiger
When Yale Law professor and mother-of-two Amy Chua published ‘Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother’ in 2011, she received both enthusiastic support and vehement criticism.
The book soon popularised the term ‘tiger-mum’, which, almost 15 years on, has become a synonym for a very strict parent.
Dr Suglani says: ‘Tigers are powerful, strict, and fearsome, and they demand excellence and control.’
Tiger parents adopt an authoritarian approach to raising their offspring and, driven by success, they are extremely demanding.
They are focused on discipline and achievement and, as such, have low emotional responsiveness to their children, according to Dr Suglani.
Drawing attention to the risks that tiger parenting can pose to a child, she added: ‘Like a tiger preparing its cub to survive in a harsh world, this approach may create external success, but often at the cost of emotional connection and self-worth.’
Tiger parents adopt an authoritarian approach to raising their offspring and, driven by success, they are extremely demanding (stock photo)
Dolphin
Dolphins are known to be intelligent, friendly and collaborative creatures.
This style of parenting, Dr Suglani pointed out, reflects healthy balance, with dolphin mothers and fathers generally ‘playful but protective, communicative but independent.’
Indeed, the Canada-based psychiatrist Dr Shimi Kang – who coined the term with the 2014 book ‘The Dolphin Way: A parent’s guide to raising healthy, happy and motivated kids without turning them into a tiger’ – described the dolphin as being ‘the balance’ of the permissive jellyfish and authoritarian tiger.
Writing in Psychology Today, she said: ‘Like the body of the dolphin, these parents are firm yet flexible. Dolphin parents have rules and expectations but also value independence.’
Their key characteristics include their ‘high warmth and high guidance,’ added Dr Suglani.
They tend to encourage ‘autonomy with structure’ and are responsive and emotionally attuned.
The UK psychologist said: ‘Like dolphins swimming in synchrony, this parent works with their child, not above or beneath them.’
And, while she believes that ‘no one style is universally best’, Dr Suglani pointed out that dolphin parenting ‘aligns closely with authoritative parenting’ – not to be confused with authoritarian parenting.
Authoritative parenting ‘consistently supports positive developmental outcomes such as confidence, empathy, resilience and secure attachment.’
Elephant
‘Think gentle giant as opposed to stampeding beast,’ said the website Fatherly when discussing elephant parenting.
Experts agreed that this approach – somewhat confusingly – belies the image of the world’s largest land animal lumbering around, stamping out whatever lies in its way.
Rather, its elephants’ other characteristics which have earnt the huge mammal a place in the modern parenting ecosystem.
‘Elephants are known for strong family bonds, emotional intelligence and protective instincts,’ explained Dr Suglani.
‘The elephant parent is deeply nurturing and attachment-focused, sometimes to the point of overprotection.’
Elephant parents, according to Dr Suglani, tend to be ‘highly involved’ with their children and capable of providing emotional support.
Fatherly added: ‘When kids are younger, elephant parents are more likely to rush to their child’s aid when they take a tumble on the playground and more likely to co-sleep or, at the very least, cuddle their child to sleep longer than other parents.’
While their emphasis on closeness and security may help children to feel at ease and comfortable in their own shoes, the tribe can be slow to encourage independence.
What’s more, this approach may be masking unresolved issues from the parent’s own childhood.
Dr Suglani said: ‘This parenting style often stems from a deep desire to shield children from the pain the parent may have experienced.’
Helicopter
Helicopter parents – like the aircraft they are named after – hover constantly over their children, said Dr Suglani.
‘Always nearby and ready to swoop in,’ helicopter parents are ‘hyper-vigilant and overly involved in every aspect of their child’s life.’
A form of micromanaging, which sees mothers and fathers exert control over every aspect of their offspring’s experience, helicopter parenting is equally ‘anxious and fear-driven’.
It may, therefore, limit a child’s ability to develop autonomy, Dr Suglani added. She said: ‘Constant surveillance might make a parent feel reassured but, for the child, it can feel like distrust, preventing them from building independence and confidence.’
Lawnmower
Just as a lawnmower powers through long grass, smoothing the path ahead, lawnmower parents seek to remove any and every obstacle their child may encounter.
While their instinct to make life as frictionless as possible for their offspring may appear to be a good one, their particular brand of overprotectiveness prevents kids from learning naturally through experience, according to Dr Suglani.
She added: ‘While the short-term effect is safety, children raised this way may struggle when real-life difficulties arise because they were never allowed to face them.’
Is there a better approach?
‘Start with connection, not perfection,’ Dr Suglani suggested to parents. ‘What’s often most effective is attuned or conscious parenting, where you are emotionally responsive (not reactive) and developmentally appropriate while setting age-appropriate boundaries.’
Parents should equally be aware that children will highlight their shadow parts – the parts of themselves that have not healed – and should avoid projecting their own unmet childhood needs onto their offspring.
‘What matters most is repair, consistency and being present enough to learn with your child’, the psychologist said. ‘Children don’t need perfect parents – they need authentic ones, who reflect, attune and grow alongside them.’
Dr Suglani was eager to point out that all parents will get things wrong – and that’s fine. After all, being a parent does not come with a definitive manual.
